Monday, July 13, 2015


Begin transcript:

"What are you?"




"Everyone's a halfling."

"What if there's a fight?"

"Alphonso said he might play a elf."

"Offffff course. If he shows up."

"Alphonso, man."

"I'm a wizard."

"Halfling wizard?"

"Ok, so there's some boxed text I'm gonna read it..."

"Seriously I will kill you and all your friends."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Relax! Ok, read the boxed text."

"You feel it in the air...imagine an elfy face saying this... Fuck it's long: ok there's some rings."

"Got it."

"Human wizard?"

"Race-as-class wizard I think. Is that a thing, race-as-class wizard?"

"So the evil lord made a ring to control all the other rings.. Elves and people versus dark lord. Then all the elves and guys are like smacked up by Sauron the dark Lord who's taller than everybody with a mace and his face looks like a horse and then a guy kills Sauron then gets the ring and then the elf boss was like Destroy it you Man! but the guy was all No and it fell into some water. The ring. Then this like muck guy Gollum got it."

"Ok, so then are we..."

"Hold on. So for 500 year sit poisoned his mind and then your uncle got it with riddles."

"With riddles?"

"Not important. Ok, anyway so your uncle has this ring."

"Ok. So he's king now?"

"No he just...he like smokes and stuff in his circle house. I'm not really sure what he does. He may be unemployed--anyway you live...near him and you're reading a book and then Gandalf the Wizard shows up."

"That's me. I'm level 15. Or 10....Or is it 5?"

"Interpretations vary. Anyway you two hug because it's time for Frodo's uncle's birthday."

"Does anyone but me want thai food?"

"Ok. I hug him."

"I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence!"

"Oh, you know Bilbo!"

"So you go and there's some grass and roll some reaction rolls...the kids like you..."

"I want Thai food. You guys?"

"You do that, I'mma roll up on the uncle."

"Yes...he like wants to give you tea. He has this circley house but he wants to leave "Ohhhh I am ollld Gandalf, I feel thin, stretched like....butter stretched over too much bread"."

"Ok, I'l like hang out and try to ply him for more information and blow smoke rings."

"Ok, roll charisma."

"Ok, I suck."

"Ok, roll d10."


"Well the smoke rings are nice. 10 on a scale of 1 to 10."

"Oh hey guys!"


"Sam, what's your guy's name gonna be?"




"Fine, Sam's guy is named Sam the Halfling."

"Oh hey guys!"

"Hey, we were just having an uncle party."

"What're your guyses names? And perception scores."

"My guy's name is Merryaddock Bandybuck."

"And I am Peregrine Took!"

"I want to note for the record I am rolling my eyes."

"Oh and it's plus one."

"Minus four for me."

"'Ok, listen up Brandybucks and Tooks and what all I'm a hundreddy eleventh and I'm a halfling and I'm old and ...' and he disappears."


"Who was he?"

"Frodo's uncle. Now, Gandalf roll under Int at advantage."

"Did it."

"Ok, this is definitely heavy: Halflings don't just disappear. And he's got this ring."

"Alright I'm going up to his house."

"Food's here."

"You guys pay the dude we'll do this bit...So he's in the house being like 'Hee hee that was fun' and fondling this ring."

"Bilbo I'm concerned..."

"Alright..Wisdom check..."


"Yeah he's hiding something,"

"Put the ring down, man."

"He does. (bluff check) Well he doesn't."



"Hee. I mean 'Cheap tricks'"

"What's 20% of 28.50?"

"Alright, he takes off and he's like ok and leaves the ring."

"I try to grab the ring."

"There's this bolt of energy and this echo, knowledge check...half be a real important ring."

"I love pad see ew. I want a house made of pad see ew and beans. Ok, done, I roll in."

"You see Gandalf there smoking looking at the magic ring. All like perspective shot from below and then he looks at the fire and is like "Riddles in the darrrrrk...""

"Alright, I'm gonna do some research. 'There are some...things I must....see to.'"

"Whatevs I'm not done with this food anyway."

"Music music! Cutscene! You go here."

"Nice model."

"Thanks! Hirst art blocks and Legos painted grey."


"That's a lot of Deep Space Nine".

"Yeah and it's all on Netflix now so fuck me. Anyway so like you read some stuff and he's like 'It's the heirloom of the kingdom and it has a thing where you heat it up and then it's like A secret now only fire can tell'"


"Thanks, I try. Ok so you come back, like...a week later."

"Frodo, what are you doing a week later?"

"Stone chillin'."

"I'm gonna hide 'til he comes back, then jump out. (Frodo went to the bathroom)"

"Is it safe? Is it secret?"

"Aaaah. Dude?"

"The ring."


"I chuck it in the fire."

"WTF that's my only magic item."

"No, hold your hand out, it's cool."

"He says it's cool."

"Quite cool."

"Nothing. Oh wait no...."

"I give him the exposition."

"Can we kill shit yet? Hey do you think I can pull this off?"

"Do you speak Mordor? What's your Int?"

"Like 15 and no. In the other order."

"You must be able to otherwise you'd never be able to take a shower."

"Ha ha smartass. No I mean does it look good?"


"Ok, so Gandalf knows it's the One Ring of Sauron which is like an artifact. Like a Ring of Gaxx level artifact."

"Seriously and we're like level 1."


"Ok well that's good. I mean, Sauron's dead, right, that was in the boxed text."

"Actually you also know Sauron is kinda still alive. His orcs have multiplied, his fortress is up and rolling."

"Where did you get these?"

"On-line. Just googled 'purple dice'."

"So he was dead before and now he's alive so he's like a ghost."

"...or a lich or a vampire or a wight or..."

"What's a white?"


"I put it..."


"O...k...Can we just, like, put it away?"


"Can I give it to Gandalf?"

"Nope, nobody over 6th level can handle it."

"I thought he was 5th?"

"Long story. Race-as-class wizard you get like one spell per book."

"Thing is through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."


"I tell him he has to go deliver this ring."

"Wait, what?"

"Ok, 'S. pad kee mau'--I think this one's mine? Good, ok....I'm going more research with my wizard teacher. Meet me at the Inn of the...Prancing Pony. And I eat some shrimp."

"'Prancing Pony'?"

"Rolled it up last game."

"You have a wizard teacher?"

"Yeah how else would I learn?"

"Ok, fine, you are going to see your wizard teacher. Lemme figure him out..."

roll roll (eyebrow)

"His name is Saur...I mean Saruman."

"You suck at names."

"I'm done with my curry you want curry?"

"Roll Stealth."

"Mmmmm...noooo I do not Stealth."

"You see Sam fucking around in the hedges."

"I grab Sam and give him some static for creeping in hedges."

"'Oh no don't turn me into anything...unnatural!' What did I miss?"

"Dark lord, quest, I carry an artifact with terrible powers."

"Dope. 'Bout it."

"How much do you want to bet Alphonso will be like 'I'll take that ring'?"

"You travel and travel. Travelling occurs for a few hours...hold on, I lost my place."

"You think? Now Travis..."

"Oh my god, Travis will just be like 'If you would but lend me the ring...'"

"Ok "Oh Frodo! If I take one more step I will be further from home than ever..."

"Seriously, Sam? It's been like not even a day."

"Alright, alright...."

"Wait, ok, found it--let's do this: So, your wizard teacher is in his tower which I will represent with this bottle of Absolut."

"Ok, I'm like what do we do, guy? There's a ring and this halfling has it and..."

"'Clearly your love of the halfling's leaf has slowed your brain.'"


"Do we have hot sauce?"

"So he's like 'There's a Great Eye, Lidless, Wreathed In Flame.'"


"In the door in the fridge. Also: do not touch that thing it's still wet."

"And the Nine are going to kill whoever has the ring."

"How do you know?"

"What is it? It looks like the Motorhead dog."

"It's for later don't touch it."

"How does he know?"

"He has an evil crystal ball."

"'Hey your crystal ball is evil!'"

"'Whatevs'. He says."

"Fuck him, I run and get Frodo."

"The doors just shut as you try to leave."


"Roll initiative."

"Fuck. He's like level what?"

"Do it."

"Wait, when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?"

"Oh hold on...."

"That was in-character."

"Oh, uhh...he just telekinesises you."

(others in unison) "Wi. Zard. Fight! Wi. Zard. Fight!"

"You Have Elected The Way Of Pain."


"I guess I'll be finishing these noodles while I wait to get rescued by a moth..."

"MEANWHILE, you all are in a...(roll)....cornfield hex."

"Ok, I'm done!"

"Me too!"

"Does corn exist?"

"Mmmmanybody want some carrots?"

"So you've got some carrots."

"And some cabbages."

"Yeah and..."

"What is this, Wampus Country?"

"And some mushrooms."

"Yes and...roll roll...a farmer starts chasing you with a scythe because you won't shut up."

"Who the hell wrote these tables?"

Except "on". You're missing that, at least.


Gus L said...

Clearly not Wampus County - in Wampus County there would be:
A) A table of minor magical properties for stolen vegetables.
B) The farmer would be a family of inbred anthropomorphic rabbits, and they would all have shotguns.
C) Snobgoblins would be involved.

PlanetNiles said...

Gandalf was totally a Cleric.

Eric said...

What Gus said. Also if you are amused by the central conceit here you would probably enjoy

Anonymous said...

Jussi has no ragrets, not even one letter

PlanetNiles said...

Gandalf was totally a Cleric.