Monday, March 10, 2014

The Champion Of Tiamat Diet

Deep within the jungles of Drownesia lies the Black Pyramid.

And deep within the Pyramid wallows The Viscid King:
A horrific, drooling slug-creature whose role is to anoint the Viridian Knight--choosing that Jade Champion of Tiamat from those who pass through the many trials and dangers of the Pyramid. (Or burn through them with acid they picked up in other peoples' games while looking for treasure. But, hey, the Jade Fang cult is pro- acid, greed and cheating.)

Anyway, this wasn't the first thing the players noticed about the Viscid King. The first thing they noticed was that he was a fat disgusting slug monster that had to die. This impression was possibly abetted by the fact that I represented him on the tabletop with a polish sausage left over from lunch:
(Likely also abetted by the fact that when Laney jabbed him with a poisoned rapier I represented his acidic vomit by spitting on the table. I'm awful.)
Anyway he got fighted with and died in the middle of crushsuffocating Mandy and David when Adam squeezed his lurid gut between a pair of mechanical doors.
Laney's halfling ranger took his crown and I put him in the fridge.
After further chicanery involving, among other things, a 5-foot-deep flood of emerald pythons falling from the ceiling and the demise of the ill-fated Bone Sorcerer the players bethought themselves to escape the dungeon by means of Shadow Step.

And while traversing the Plane of Shadow they met a Shadow Minister on the cobbled streets. He was alarmed that he could no longer feel the presence of the Viscid King--for only when the King finally chose a new Viridian Knight to lead the Armies of the Jade Fang would the Shadow Minister be released from his planar tether to the Black Pyramid.

"What has become of the Viscid King?" asked the Shadow Minister.
"I'm the new king!" Laney joked, brandishing his stolen crown.
"Excellent!" said the Shadow Minister and pointed to her.

"Laney," the GM said "you gain (roll roll) 53 pounds".
"WHAT THE FUCK!?!" said Laney
She continued to gain d100 pounds each round and her skin began to pale and speckle. She became ever more slugly. "It was just a joke!" Laney cried (failing a charisma roll)--but the Shadow Minister insisted there must be a replacement king. How else could a new Viridian Knight one day be found? How else could the Minister escape?

The players were frantic: Could the curse that tied the Minister to the Pyramid be lifted? Could he be killed? Could another king be found, could...

"I'll be the Viridian Knight!" said Laney.

…and in one stroke, the quiet ranger took up the panoply of war and the modest halfling took on a terrible burden.

…"though I don't know what that means."

The new, strange armor crept across her diminishing body.

"I just didn't want to be fat!" said Laney.



Luca Lorenzon said...

Oh, and while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown

Jesse said...

It's been a while but I think that's why Elric took up Stormbringer and destroying his own empire, culture, and everything he ever loved. Or was it 'vengeance'? One of those two.

Nagora said...


Doom said...

Sounds like an awesome game. But the theorycrafters said that's not possible! :)

David Bikki said...

I lost it with the pic of the Viscid King being represented on the table.

Great as always.