D&D With Porn Stars & Their Siblings

The tenor of the game changes somewhat during the holidays, when we play with Mandy's family...

"I can't believe you actually married the Fishwife."

"All I want is minions, I figured I'd get minions. I never get minions."

"You can get minions in D&D."

"I'm never in the right situation."

"Evan, all she had was a tower in the middle of the ocean, you want to rule a tower in the middle of some water?"

"Hey, I was just going with the flow, I woke up, I was getting married to a fish lady and I figured, ok, I'll see where this goes. It was all fine except the warts and turning green and stuff. You're the one who kept hypnotizing the troll and never made it do anything."

"I made it not kill me! Besides, I sent it into the ocean, I don't understand why it came back."

"It was a sea troll Kara! It goes in the sea!"

"But--how did it get back out of the water?"

(Dad) "Can we talk about something else?"

"How does anyone get out of water?"

"Yeah, what about seals, Kara?"

"Seals don't go onto ships--it was on the ship eating people!"

"Seals took over a whole dock in San Francisco once."

"Or what about people, Kara? How do people get out of swimming pools?"

"They use a ladder."

"You don't have to use a ladder."

"Can we change the subject?"

"I use a ladder."

"Well the sea troll doesn't! It's a troll from the sea!"

"How was I suppose to know that?"

"It was blue and when you found it, it was in a pool!"

"And he said it was a sea troll."

"Well you're the one who let it knock you out."

"Well that wasn't fair because I didn't know the Fishwife had armor."

"Evan, she's a boss, you don't take on a boss all by yourself."

"She's just like a little fish lady, and I'm like a big guy, she's like to me like what the troll is to you, I don't understand why she didn't just go down."

"Evan, she was a boss."

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"She has a tower in the sea and controls monsters and captured your ship and forced you to marry her and did magic on you and controls a sea troll--of course she's a boss!"

"Hey, she's just like a little fish, and I ambushed her."

"In an ambush, the target moves and you stand still and hide. You just ran in there. Through the door."

"Well it was better than your plan, which was just to lay in the next room and sleep."

"We were resting, Evan, you're in a party with spellcasters, we have to rest to get our spells back. It's a cooperative game, Evan, you have to do things together."

"So you were gonna just rest for eight hours?"

"I have a magic pillow..."

"Can we talk about something else?"

"So what?"

"So I only have to sleep for an hour."

"Well if you're asleep for an hour in her house she's going to find you."

"Not necessarily, Evan."

"No, she was going around looking for you because you sent her troll away instead of making the troll just kill her. What's the point of hypnotizing a troll if you're just going to tell it to stand there?"

"Can we talk about something else?"

"I thought as soon as the troll went in the sea he was gone. Like, I think of the sea as just, like, the end of things."

"But it was A. Sea. Troll. It likes the sea. It's from the sea."

"Anyway it would've eaten you if it hadn't gotten me, so you should be glad."

"If you had just waited it wouldn't have gotten you."

"Yes it would've, I..."

(Dad) "Evan just likes chaos, he's always trying to cause trouble."

"Yeah, that's why he married the fishwife."

"I just wanted minions."

"And then he changed his mind and punched her in the face."

"I don't know, I got bored--and her guys wouldn't do what I told them to do."

"Well, they were in the middle of being attacked."

"But I told them that I was taking the prisoners."

"They were busy fighting. One of them was on fire."

"Still, like, I was supposed to be in charge and it wasn't working."

"You just kept changing your mind--first you were fighting them, then you married the fish lady, then you went to the bathroom, then you tried to sneak away, then you let me get carried off then you punched her in the face."

"I just, y'know, got tired of it. Why didn't you just tell the troll to like, strangle her."

"Can we please talk about something else?"