Sunday, September 28, 2014

Because "Family Dynamic Generator" sounds boring...

D100 Reasons Your PC's Family Likes Your PC's Big Sister Way More Than Your PC

Generated here with contributions from the folks at the bottom of this page. Lightly edited by me.

1, She is currently on the Plane Of Gems, preventing the incursion of the Crystal Tyrants into humanoid timespace.
2, She married the Duke. The Duke is a jerk.
3, She's a (planar?) bartender, thus she always has the best stories.
4, She actually learned to read.
5, She actually remembers to write. 
6, She's a polyglot and has a career in defense architecture.
7, She never complains, unlike some people.
8, Followed through on her doctorate in Murderhoboist studies.
9, Dimples.
10, Took a crossbow bolt intended for your father while your PC just stood there. Oh sure, the sun was in your eyes. Right.
11, She understands the value of hard work.
12, Not a cannibal.
13, Working in the inn is providing for the family. What has all your magicking done for us?
14, Was born with a birthmark in the shape of a star - she is the foretold one, who will free the people from the cruel grasp of the overminds - you, well you know how to keep from underfoot.
15, She married a nice lawful good boy.
16, She visits her grandmother once in a while, which apparently would kill you. (Yes, I know Grandmother swore she would kill you. Grandmother can't help being a revenant, sweetie.)
17, She's there for every cult meeting, summoning demons with the rest of us. Proper demons, too; not these new fangled aberrations.
18, She never attracted the wrath of an angry god with acts of sodomy.
19, eats her greens, drinks her reds. 
20, Had the decency not to get herself resurrected after being killed fair and square, unlike some people.
21, She has married a nice local boy and is ready to start producing grandbabies.
22, Because your big sister cleans her armor before coming home from the big battle.
23, She was accepted into the best adventurers' guild.  Meanwhile, PC has yet to finish filling out the application...
24, Will actually shout a round.
25, She doesn't do drugs.
26, Always offers to take first watch at camp.
27, She isn't half-anything.
28, Didn't kill those kobold babies.
29, She volunteered to liase with the mean Satyrs in the woods.
30, The brownies love the sound of her laugh.
31, Because your enchantress sister charmed your family.
32, She moved out.
33, She spent her dungeon loot to replace the house after that dragon attack, unlike some ungrateful children.
34, Create Food and Water.
35, She doesn't whine about why there are pit traps in Father's study.
36, Doesn't nibble on Myconid ambassadors.
37, The sword did pick her, after all. 
38, She fills out her boob armor better than you. Stick to jerkins, dearie.
39, She didn't kill your mother during childbirth.
40, I don't care if she casts Summon too, she doesn't do it in her bedroom when there is company over.
41, Thinks the only good wizard died 100 years ago.
42, …from her stabbing him with his own sacrifice-goblet.
43, Paladin; actually holier than thou.
44, Why couldn't you marry a cleric of some nice stable religion?
45, She does what she's told and you're a half-giant creep.
46, She is not a murderous vagrant.
47, She doesn't bring incubi home to dinner.
48, She was not spawned in a vat..
49, She is better at Orc Head Football
50, Agrees with the family in their fondness/unfondness of bards. 
51, Her mutations proved to be far more useful than yours.
52, She's made real sacrifices for this family.Not just sheeps and goats, but the Spawn of the Raven King and cousin Cletus.
53, She can fart Frigging In the Rigging.
54, She is so handsome, agreeable and obliging - the total opposite of your PC.
55, She has never set someone on fire. Not even once.
56, She's got the proper attitude towards Elves - seething murderous hate.
57, She did not waste her gold on carousing. Bought into a respectable slave auctioning company.
58, Finished college.
59, Sensible and levelheaded, she wishes you would just commit suicide neatly rather than dragging that expensive armor down a hole to die in it. 
60, She knows how to tell jokes so they're funny.
61, She never got the attic searched by the Agents of the Invincible Overlord
62, She always visits once a lunar phase. She owns a small farm in the same village run by her husband who stops by regularly  and helps out around the house when he can.
63, She never was caught with her hands in the cookie jar. Or the bag of gold. Or the summoning circle.
64, Cookies.
65, How would you not like the head of the assassin's guild more than anyone else?
66, She's just inherently way more likeable (CHA's not her dump stat).
67, She's not a vapid vain voidhead like you, but a noted explorer and has seen the world.
68, She will lend her red koboldskin boots.
69, She managed to come back from the pyramids without giving the twins next door mummy rot.
70, They're assholes, and don't understand you.
71, Sure she helped you kill your older sibling with a sharpened elf scapula, but at least she felt bad about it. 
72, She didn't play in the bad halfling lute quartet.
73, She was never tried for high treason. Not even once. 
74, She never brought half of the family into the torture chambers of the Baron... Yeah you saved us, but isn't that the least a mother can expect.
75, The teenage-vampire trilogy she authored was a best-seller, while you always went for crypt loots over crap books.
76, She don't runs around acting like she saved the world from the "Lord of Insuffizient Light" or something. I know you did, but that's no reason to show of.
77, She's a proper half giant and not a humanlike giant/dwarf breed like you.
78, She never brought home an experimental undead lover...
79, She accepted the arranged marriage. The one intended for you. 
80, Because they don't know what she is really like...
81, It's all because of that accident you had with that nun.
82, Consensual incest.
83, She's a prostitute, but at least she has a regular income to support the family.
84, She is an uppity, dangerous, experimental troublemaker while all you do is carry torches down mines. 
85, She's gone on to be a doctor. Your parents didn't crawl dungeons so that you could waste your life doing the same.
86, Didn't run-off with the family heirloom to waste on a night in the "Big Town".
87, She never comes home bleeding all over the carpet.
88, She takes credit for whatever you do.
89, Well she is just plain better than you! (Rolled 4d6 drop lowest for abilities).
90, Your big sister gave them a beautiful grand-daughter. You, on the other hand, gave them a Changeling. 
91, She never accidentally got hooked up to the leader of a death cult.
92, The only surviving members of it are clones of her.
93, The doppelganger that have replaced her is like, really nice!
94, She is the village ax-throwing champion, and  grows those red mushrooms everyone loves to put in stew, whats not to like.
95, When your sister is in town she usually takes your folks out for lunch. When you're in town they usually get kidnapped.
96, She is always telling lies about you. Nasty lies that lead people to believe you are guilty of horrible things.
97, She knows Rune Lore, she was never taught rune lore, somehow she just knows it. It's been a great boon to the family.
98, She never solves her problems with murder. Or at least never got caught for it.
99, She solves her problems with murder, and not with sissy, stealthy, thiefy bullshit like a certain other family member.
100, She died in a terrible accident when she was still young and pure. Your parents think she's perfect and you can never live up to their expectations. You swore never to tell them her secrets, so they like her better because you keep your promise. At least that's one thing you manage to do right. 

Jeremy Friesen, Mark Van Vlack, Matt D, Justin Kowalski, David Pretty, J Alberto Abreu, Paul Vermeren, Zak Smith, Wil McKinnee, Wayne Rossi, Evan Elkins, Richard Grenville, David Boshko, Lucien Reeve, Frank Falkenberg, Adam Muszkiewicz, Solange Simondsen, Timothy Franklin, Gus L, Daniel Dean, Jason K, Reynaldo Madriñan, Brian Lovell, Harald Wagener, Blue Tyson, Corey Brin, Matthew Adams, Arthur Fisher, Kiel Chenier, Edward Lockhart, Mateo Diaz, Humza K, Mark Fitzpatrick, Alec Henry, Paul Hughes, Enzo Garabatos, Klaus Gerken, Anders Nordberg, Juan Ochoa, Kirin Robinson, Eric Boyd, Jarrah James, Christian Sahlén, Chris Belz and Joshua Blakketter

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