Monday, October 2, 2023

You're Welcome, Universe

So, ok.

I play Slorm.

Cleric of the only true god and horrible goblin. 

Also, oddly, voice of reason in the party because everyone else in the game is a lunatic.

Principally: James Edward Raggi IV, publisher of Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Fantasy Roleplaying, but also the OSR-founding GM, the two transfolk and the bard-playing war refugee.

Now, you may know about James Edward Raggi IV as an author and, perhaps, if you've been to an online playtest, as a game master.

What you probably do not know is that, as a player, James, is a megalomaniac game-breaking chaos munchkin of circa-1982-letters-to-Dragon-Magazine proportions. He is the kind of guy who would hear about the Head of Vecna, then immediately try to figure out how to turn himself into a hydra.

Like, I'm pretty sure this was him:

So anyway, after several days spent going through an interdimensional tech-over-our-heads dungeon we arrive near the top of the Pyramid of Whereverthefuckweare.

We are at a room with a vast and sophisticated machine.

Slorm, as is his wont, barks at the party halfling to squeeze through the gears and plasma inverters to investigate this machine, on the end of a rope. She does so.

Soon Weenie the halfling is looking at what Jeff describes as "A hole in the floor leading back through time to the creation of the universe".

We are all eager to understand this phenomenon and use it to get xp. So Slorm sends a sausage to Weenie down the end of the rope.

you have no idea how useful these have been in the campaign so far

Weenie the halfling drops a sausage into the moment of the big bang.

Then Jeff grins and says the most terrifying thing he can ever say, which is:

"Ok, there's a random table for this"

Fuck fuck fuck.

Then he says "You're going to want to roll low"

FYI: Jeff has, after the session, pulled back the veil and shown us one of the items on this chart:

14. PC's home star(s) go nova

I knew it was going to be bad. We just threw random pork into the moment of creation.

Even worse, James Edward Raggi IV, publisher of Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Fantasy Roleplaying who plays Graham the fighter, suddenly has a gleam in his eye. Slorm does not like any of this.

Weenie then rolls a 1! The lowest roll.

It turns out the universe is, thanks to the sausage, all now more graceful and kind that it had once been. We are all given a choice of either undoing one past event we didn't like in the campaign or leveling up. Outstanding job Weenie!

James Edward Raggi IV, however, barely stops to write this down, then goes "So Graham excuses himself for a few minutes, then comes back with a potion vial now filled with white liquid. He..."


I know this man. Slorm knows this man. All the guys and girls and theys in the game know this man.

It is clear that James Edward Raggi IV is attempting to pour his cum into the moment of the universe's creation.

"What?" he says "everyone and everything in the universe will be me! I will rule all!"

Slorm explains that while the various players are no stranger to sexual content--despite it not having coming up much in the campaign at this point--the gods who have Blessed, Heroismed and Healed Graham the fighter many times during the last year or so, do not want his cum on them while they are trying to create the universe.

After much acrimony, Slorm manages to avert this outcome.

James Edward Raggi then throws a fit on his Facebook page.

Anyway, if you aren't all part James Edward Raggi IV now, you're welcome.

Hail Slorm.


Jeff Rients said...

Hydra With Vecna Heads is the best new monster since Demogorgon But His Heads Are Beholders.

Zak Sabbath said...

@jeff rients

And more achievable, since within the reach of both polymorph and shapeshift

Munchkin Preservation Society said...

arc of every human interaction bends toward seinfield in the end. graham is obviously george constanza.