Thursday, November 28, 2013

Advice With Connie

So, remember this guy--Hex King--Archlich of Bellet Osc? Scourge of the Bleak Continent? He of The Unspeakable Crown?

 This is Connie:

 She killed him. Righteous Might, mace to the back. Not two days ago. A credit to 10th level thieves everywhere.

Also, she drew this unicorn...

Now you're thinking:

Holy fuck, Zak, this Connie sure is an incredible woman, but how can I put this raw force for justice and badassness to work for me?

Funny you should ask! For today on this lazy Thanksgiving Eve we here are introducing a new feature here on Playing D&D With Porn Stars....


Here's a sample:

Dear Connie: Why am I up this early craving Orange Juice like a fucking madman. Is that some sort of allergy?

 No, that is your body telling you what it NEEDS.  Did you smoke any pot tonight? I don't think you're allergic to anything, but you might want to start keeping orange juice in the fridge. Also, late night/early morning trips out into the world for things like OJ can be really fun and rewarding.
~Connie, M.D.

Yeah, I did smoke. And you're right, went the distance to find a 24-hour Kroger. It is cold. I like the music I have playing. I can see my breath singing. Will remember. Thanks.

So, here you go--ask anything about love, food, feelings, career, gaming, moving silently, using rope, whatever--- CONNIE WILL SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS!

Place your questions in the comments....


scrap princess said...

My question for Connie is: what kind of things would convince your character to go to the hells?

scrap princess said...

and that's a really great unicorn

DerikB said...

How do I get my players to not spend all their time PLANNING and more time DOING? Seems like you guys get a lot done in your games.

Unknown said...

Dear Connie, other roleplayers at new groups I first go to keep thinking that because I wear an eye patch and have a beard that I just am pretending to be a pirate, and they start making Pirate jokes, saying 'Rrrrrrggghhh' and shit. How can I learn not to let it bother me?

Kindling said...

How should I, myself, go about becoming a "raw force for justice and badassness"? Is it even something one can consciously attempt to become? Would it involve getting a septum piercing? Might it be more realistic to aspire to badassitude or badassery, rather than badassness?

pjamesstuart said...

Dear Connie

Where the fuck does my time keep going? I never seem to get anything done but it goes and goes and goes. Is someone stealing it?

Paul Wolfe said...

Dear Connie,

How do I convince my adult son to start his life (i.e. decide what his passion is, move the fuck out of my house, etc.)?

Monty said...

Dear Connie

How do you prioritize in your life? I mean, I am working at gaming (which I love) and grad school entrance crapola (which I do not love, but will lead to loved stuff). Rogues always seem to know how to get things done; any thoughts on balance?

mordicai said...

Hey Connie, no question, just a comment: fuck arch-liches & kudos on using backstab what it is there for; smashing the heck out of suckers.

Alec Semicognito said...

Dear Connie: Sometimes my players are pretty passive, just waiting for me to point them at the next thing they're supposed to do to find adventure. If I don't point them at anything, they usually don't do anything. How can I help them to loosen up and improvise?

gerard said...

Dear Connie,
I just relocated to Nebraska from the Boston area, and I left my long time (20+ years) game group behind. What is the best way to find new group to play with in a new town? Also, the crown of that archlich looks great for cooking fish, sausages or other trail rations while adventuring in the wilderness. Getting the most use out of your righteous trophies is a good thing.

Adam Dickstein said...

My current group has this issue BIG TIME, where as previous groups of mine (going back 36 years!) didn't. What's up with that?

Unknown said...

Dear Connie, when having dread Gnome slavers show up in a game what makes for the best mount? Dire Wolverine, or Giant Badger?

Arnold K said...

Dear Connie:

What's the deal with cats? Why are they always showing me their assholes and how come they aren't as funny/attractive as the ones on the internet?

August said...

So... Dear Connie
Do you have any suggestions as to how one might channel a great deal of useless rage over the stupid injustice and unjust stupidity of the world into something constructive (and there are no lich kings around to kill)?

Greatly appreciated
/A Swede

Maxime Golubchik said...

Dear Connie,

Are men who wear platform shoes cheating?

Tom said...

Dear Connie,
When tieing up hostages (or sex partners) what sort/size of rope do you advise using? What about knots? Is a rod or post of some sort needed or even useful?

TheJefu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spazalicious Chaos said...

Dear Connie,

I like having soundtracks for my games, but some of my players have asked me to turn down my metal so that they can concentrate on the game. At which point does it become acceptable for me to tell them to fuck off?

Trent_B said...

Dear Connie,

Ignoring the fact that it almost always come down to the individual, what do you think of universities and the degrees they offer? Is it a worthwhile pursuit, generally, or is it a safe but sort of uninspired venture?

Thanks. You are good at D&D.