So you're eating a sandwich?
Wouldn't you rather be eating a vegan tuna-melt wrap on a gluten-free buckwheat tortilla?
But don't you find that the texture of the salami on that sandwich inevitably leads to indigestion, fatigue, nervousness and decay of the fine motor functions?
Well I've been eating food for 35 years now and I can tell you that it did in my case, that's why I switched to vegan tuna-melt wrap on gluten-free buckwheat tortillas and now I never have that problem!
Ok. I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever you.
It's because the gluten-free buckwheat tortillas are made with genuine unprocessed tapioca! Do you see the innovativeness of it?
Do you not feel that if you wanted to be a better, smarter, more mature person, you, too, would suffer a great many ill-effects from that sandwich and prefer my spectacular wrap?
You know that the guy who invented sandwiches is dead right?
Don't you think that continuing to eat that sandwich indicates you are less mature, evolved, avant-garde, intelligent, and forward-thinking in your lunch choices than I?
Why must you look upon my wrap with contempt?
I don't, go ahead and eat your wrap.
Do you think the fact that you despise my wrap proves your innate superiority? Because let me tell you now, buster, it most certainly does not!
Why do you let your girlfriend eat sandwiches? Does she not know any better?
Why must you molest me with your atavism? Do you not see that my wrap is a wrap finely-honed and forged through decades of lunch-design-evolution and therefore is, ipso facto, the finest possible of finger foods?
You seem very happy together.
IT'S TRUE! WE ARE!
Yeah, champ, good going there. Enjoy that lunch you got.
Would you like to try my wrap?
Sorry, I don't like tuna.
Oh, but this is not just ANY tuna, it is tuna in a WRAP!!!!! Do you not see the glorious, all-applicability, all-lunches-to-all-people appeal of placing the tuna in a wrap? Never will you have to deal with the inconveniences caused by, say, the squeezing-the-protein-out-the-backside-of-your-lunch-effect, or STPOTBOYLE as it is known on the Internet!
Do you not yearn for the worlds of lunchtime pleasure you are denying yourself?
Actually, I really like this sandwich...
Why won't you grow up, spread your wings, fly to new heights?!!!
Well, actually, I was gonna go make some money at my job and then drink with my friends and then have sex with ladies, I just figured, y'know, I'd have lunch first and I like salami so...
You are hopeless! I mock you! I will find a like-minded group of people who appreciates vegan tuna-melt wrap on gluten-free buckwheat tortillas! We will conquer you! You will see! Soon your outmoded neanderthal lunch-eating will be exposed for the fraudulent decadence it is! Lotta Continua!
Nicolas Kalmakoff (1873 - 1955)
5 days ago