D20 D&Dables from Kirby's Thor

This isn't the first time I've stolen D&Dables from Thor. Which makes sense--it's been published once a month for like 50 years. Today we go back into the early days of Jack Kirby's Thor...

1. This awesome map. South is Earth? And check the bottom right--did you know Asgard had a mall?

2. A crypt containing Merlin. Or whatever powerful wizard. Of course he wakes up when it's opened, but consider this: he doesn't. The PCs open the crypt, they see its a powerful wizard, totally undecayed. And they're covered in valuable and powerful grave goods and...do they dare touch anything? Will that wake Merlin? Maybe they should just walk away? Maybe touching him inflicts a curse? That's ten minutes of watching players freak out and argue with each other, minimum.

3. Speaking of curses, when was the last time someone inflicted a Midas touch on one of your PCs? Everything they touch is gold? Or stone? Or tar? Anything so long as it would be very inconvenient if your armor was made of it.

4. This is a good plot. Stick this jerk on your hexmap:

5. What does it look like once the PCs are sold to the trolls?

6. Here's a weird problem you can give an order of paladins. Maybe it's a curse on a PC that they can never harm any living thing, maybe its a group of hostile knights who are mad at the PCs for swatting flies:

7. Good idea for a magic item: it can slice a hole in space allowing the atmosphere of one place to appear in another:

8. We all know that satyrs and centaurs love to frolic in the glade but when was the last time you actually had a party see them dong that?

9. Here's another challenge for PCs like the paladin thing--defeat the living statue without damaging it because it is a sacred symbol to the locals.

10. Portal to the home of the gods, hidden in the land of the giants.

11. Mountain marauders seeking a mighty item in a ruin rumored to contain demons.

12. Not quite ordinary paralysis or "hold"--your feet are just stuck to the floor.

13. Magic axe that can slice a hole into another universe.

14. A Shadow Chamber. Love a Shadow Chamber.

15. Wind Giants in a nameless land. 

16. This Celestial Chess game is cool and the chess pieces are clearly some D&D guys.

17. The Tower of Telescopes?? Each one surely sees in a different way. 

18. The enemy lies on the far side of the Boiling Plain!

19. A plot to suss out suspected treachery: It is announced that a warrior of the court is banished and must now roam unprotected. Whoever plans to ambush them is the traitor.

20. The Queen of the Giants is normal-sized and hot.

Alright, thanks for stopping by, catch you again in a few galacto-days!

Random Place for a Random Thing

 

One thing I find myself needing a lot as players sandbox their way around the map is "ordinary" places.

You might roll a random encounter as they crawl across a hex and need to know what the landscape around that hex is.

A player might, after the encounter or any time along a multihex journey, ask if there's a town or an inn nearby.

Or a body of fresh water.

Or a hill.

Or etc. etc.

Now you can just make it up on the spot or roll a simple chance, but sometimes its nice to have a regular place with just a little extra playable depth built in. 

So: I have these two random generators for "boring" places, specifically with an eye towards this use case in sandboxes.

One Important Note

I don't, by-and-large, use these generators to make places and then, before play, stick them on the world map. The world map is full of interesting destinations and odd places one might encounter along the way, but these are fairly normal and the map is large so there's a good chance an area generated this way is never getting used if it is simply placed in any old hex.

These places are insignificant--at least until activated by players doing something or having something done to them--so they only go on the map after you use them in a session. They are "floating" locations, not interesting enough to start out as plot points but hopefully just interesting enough to maybe one day be promoted into one.

Making them is an oddly hypnotic way to spend a lazy evening though I tell you what. Make four or six of them and just have them ready and pick when it's time to insert some drama before the party gets where it's supposed to be going.

Another thing I would not necessarily do is automate them--I would not plug the tables into a computer and have it spit out a jillion of these and pick one at random when you need one. Two reasons:

1. Experiencing and re-experiencing all the options you read about as you generate is a helpful way to think about these kinds of areas when it comes to actually running the game.

2. Having a short stack of areas you recognize and remember making will allow you to pick the one that'll be most interesting for that specific party on that specific day when its actually game time.

Wilderness Encounter Area Generator

So this one is specifically for adding just a little meat and depth to a random wilderness encounter. You don't just go "you come upon a..." but there's some context, foreshadowing, and perhaps nearby resources for dealing with the situation or fallout therefrom.

First, there's a sort of flowchart for when you "zoom in" at the beginning of moving from "you travel for several days" to "ok, you come upon...". Since this is placed in a sandbox the PCs might enter the area from any direction, so there are some choices built in.

Distances are abstract, you begin "near" the encounter, but you can decide exactly how near when generating.

Start the PCs in the cardinal direction box most appropriate to the direction they entered from and roll the appropriate die:

Click to enlarge

Pink boxes are, like it says, optional.

Second, populate the boxes as it says below:

Click to enlarge

This is built for the wilderness in Broceliande, which is primarily a kind of fairy-tale forest, but you cold obviously tweak it for wherever your players are currently hanging out.

Alright, there is that thing.

Second we have a...

Random Fully-Mapped Hex Generator

This makes 6-mile hexes with stuff in them. You gotta draw them so, crucially, the generator is in a very specific order so that each layer you draw will influence the next layer laid down in a way that makes sense. You don't, for instance, want a dam in a hex with no river, or a road in an unmapped wilderness.

This generator's especially good if you want the town or inns that PCs stop at on the way to a more important destination to have some context.

Again, this generator's for Broceliande, you'd want to tweak the numbers for other environments.

First you roll all the kinds of dice (D4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 20) to see if a these categories of feature in boldface are there at all:

Topography (Does the land go up and down?) (3 in 4 chance)

Body of Water  (11 in 12)

Vegetation (19 in 20)

Civilization (1- None 2-Ruins only 3-Nothing human or demihuman 4-Nothing organized 5-8 Yes)

Resident Creatures? (Besides anything randomly encountered) 

1-Includes monster (for example: an ogre)

2-Includes interesting creature(s) (for example: pink rabbits)

3-4 Incudes predatory animal(s) (for example: wolves)

5-Boring animal(s) only (for example: deer and other local prey animals)

6-No animals

Magic (Is there some landscape feature or other thing with weird magic properties somewhere in the hex)  (1 in 10)

Then, if there is, roll specifically what features are present and draw them--if a feature is present then its up to you whether that's one or many. Like if it says there's a river that can be one river or seven--whatever you like. Examples of fully-drawn hexes are below.

Topography? (Does the land go up and down?) (3 in 4 chance)

Roll separately for each feature that might be in the hex:

Hill (3 in 4)

Valley (3 in 6)

Cave (1 in 8)

Mountain (1 in 10)

Cliff (1 in 12)

Volcano (1 in 20)

Weird/impressive Rock Formation (1 in 20)

WATERFALL (1 in 20 only if there's also a body of water in the hex)

Body of water? (11 in 12)

River (3 in 4)

Pond (5 in 6)

Lake (5 in 8)

Stream (7 in 10) (You don't have to draw in all the streams)

Swamp (2 in 12)

DAM (See Civilization)

WATERFALL (see topography)

BRIDGE (See civilization)

Vegetation? (19 in 20)

Dense Forest (3 in 4)

Overgrown Orchard (1 in 6 if the Civilization level below is at least 2)

Medicinal Plants (1 in 8)

Edible Plants (9 in 10) (only note a lack of edible plants)

Tall tree with view of surrounding hexes (1 in 12)

Hollow tree (1 in 20)

Civilization? (1- None 2-Ruins only 3-Nothing human or demihuman 4-Nothing organized 5-8 Yes)

Path/Trail (2 in 4)

Home (2 in 4)

Well (2 in 4)

Hamlet (1 in 4)

Ancient Ruin (1 in 4)

Wall (1 in 4)

Inn (1 in 4)

Church (1 in 4) (Roll D20: 1-8 Vorn 9-15 Tittivila 16-PC-related faith of your choice 17-18 Obscure/neutral faith 18-New faith 20-Evil faith)

Village (1 in 6)

Tower (1 in 6)

Statue (1 in 6)

Hunter’s Lodge (1 in 6)

Fort (1 in 6)

Castle (1 in 6)

DAM (1 in 8 if water)

BRIDGE (5 in 6 if water)

Road (3 in 8) (none if only ruins)

Store (1 in 8)

Old hunter’s traps (1 in 8)

Old aqueduct (1in 10)

Cemetery (1 in 12)

Monastery (1 in 12)

Old Siege Engine (1 in 20)

Old Asylum (1 in 20)

Old Prison (1 in 20)

Old Library ( 1 in 20)

MINE (1 in 20 if there's Topography)

Resident Creatures? (1-Monster 2-Interesting creature 3-4 Predatory animal(s) 5-Boring animals 6-No animals)

Unless the result is 5 or 6, pick an appropriate kind of creature .

Magic? (1 in 10)

There's no good way to automate this--if you've got magic, look at the hex you've got so far and decide what the enchanted part is and how it is enchanted.

Also, no matter what, there's a 1 in 20 chance of a freshwater spring somewhere in the hex.

Here are the examples, click to enlarge.

Once it told me there was a monster in the hex I generated
a random wilderness encounter using the Book of Jerks,
it told me there was a grey elf warband. I rolled their
stats individually and the low Str and Con on the
fighters and generally bad stats suggested there must be some
reason for that.

Perfidious owls are just owls that steal things, especially magic items

Once I rolled "new faith" for the church I

made the Carrion Child using the

God Generator

Once I got a hollow tree and "interesting animals" I figured
the animals probably lived in the tree

Figured the library was the most fun place to make a wolves' den

When I got roads and a cliff I figured the locals probably
carved some steps into it

The Black Grip is the church of my party's necromancer
PC, I figure running randomly into a monastery
dedicated to his minor cult would be fun, since
he hasn't met any of the church hierarchy yet

Cesaire

A place of great waterfalls, green-blue jungle and wide, bloodstained savannah.

The Gods in Cesaire

All gods have visited Cesaire, but when they visit, they must walk on two legs. When in Cesaire the gods may only be the size of their worshippers. For this reason, many have died there. In death, they grow again, and mingle with the stone which makes up the Cube.

Currently the most widely-worshipped are:

• Vorn, god of iron, rust and rain, who is known locally as Vorgun, and, when in Cesaire, is female.
• The Leopard God.
• Tiamat, The Glistening One.
• Rangda, Queen of All Spiders.

Customs

Costume

As the gods walk among their worshippers, it is common for those on sacred business (the businesses of ritual, treasure-hunting, murder, great questing or war) to go about masked or in strange disguises, so that the gods may not know them. Conversely, sometimes costumes are worn to attract or enlist the aid of particular gods.

The Hour of Knives

Despite this, human lives may only be taken between the hours of 3 and 4 am, lest the dreaded Hybrid Curse of All Gods be summoned on the murderer. This prevents a great deal of open warfare.

Events and Calendar

Death’s Parade—Death, the Second God, visits Cesaire once per year, and takes a tour throughout the entire continent. His skull-face luridly painted, he walks in a tattered blue robe and carries a staff made from the bone of an unknown animal. The dead rise from their graves and follow, then follow. As the parade approaches their homes, the living paint their own faces white so as to be mistaken for the dead.

The Gleam Tide—Each summer, the tides bring in the cargo from sunken ships. Coastal villages and port cities open the Gleaming Season with a childrens’ festival dedicated luck and beach-scavenging.

Feast of All Heroes—Once per year, all civilized cities of Cesaire throw a feast, to which all the heroes who have rendered great service to the city-state or the nation are fed and feted.

Night of the Vampire—On the last day of the harvest, all cities and villages are visited by one vampire each. Lines of sacred salt are drawn around the perimeters of civilized areas, of every home, and around the cribs of all children. Bold boys and girls dare each other to challenge the vampire, though, tragically, more fail than succeed.

Days of Testing—Most human societies within Cesaire have Days of Testing, where those youths who wish to embark on dangerous life-paths are challenged. Those who succeed act as waitstaff at the Feast of All Heroes

• The First Test of the Priest and Shaman: Typically involves taking something of value to a distant temple of the same faith.
• The Second Test of the Priest and Shaman: Typically involves finding a god somewhere and asking them a question of importance to the local priesthood.
• The First Test of All Thieves: Typically involves stealing something of great value from another nation.
• The Second Test of All Thieves: Typically involves stealing something of great value from the gnolls, vervets or chameleon women.
• The First Test of All Warriors: Typically involves hunting down an dangerous animal that has been plaguing the village or city.
• The Second Test of All Warriors: Typically involves rescuing a prisoner of another faction.
• The First Test of Wizards: Typically involves entering the Dream Jungle and surviving three sleep-cycles or a fixed number of hours of sleep (usually 24).
• The Second Test of Wizards: Typically involves bringing back a rare item from the Dream Jungle or from a rival wizard.
• The First Test of Warlords: Given to older warriors just before they are given troops to command, this test involves defeating defeating at least ten gnolls out on the open plains of The Place of Screaming with a force no larger than half their size.
• The Second Test of Warlords: This test involves defeating at least ten chameleon women in the Dream Jungle with a force no larger than half their size.

Typical Adventures, Quests, and Assignments for Adventurers, Native and Local

• Gnolls have enslaved an entire village and have them building a stronghold high in cliffs. Free the slaves and take vengeance.
• A star has allegedly fallen deep within the Dream Jungle: investigate.
• Find and defeat a platoon of enemies somewhere in the Dream Jungle during the Hour of Knives.
• Enlist a distant group of rebels to aid a local faction against their enemies.
• Find the leaders of an opposing faction and negotiate a temporary alliance with them against a horde of gnolls or foreigners.
• Find an obscure god in the Dream Jungle and enlist their aid against another faction.
• Something is making the animals around the Lake of Translucent Mist hostile—investigate.

*For foreigners only: A faction enlists you to pretend to make “first contact” with another faction, acting as merchants from another land. You will be asked to sabotage the target faction’s war efforts or liberate a prisoner or artifact.

Note on sourcing/appropriation/complaining etc:

You can have one of two opinions on African-inspired game stuff--

1-Nobody who isn't black or African should make it ever

2-Well, they can but only if they did their research.

On the first criteria, I obviously fail. On the second: if you insist I name-drop who I read and talked to before writing my game stuff I can, but it would be hard to name a hurdle I didn't jump. I am 100% sure I talked to more contemporary African artists than you think I did. And at least know where Cesaire got its name before asking.

This plus all the rest of a 17-page Cesaire module is available now in The Store for 20$ (25$ if you use Onlyfans).

Unseelie Fae Race, for Old School D&D

Dad, where do new character races come from?

Well, sometimes a gamemaster gets a text from a goth girl who is also a game master...

UNSEELIE FAE

character race (part fae / part tiefling)

Fly: 30’/round (half of human ground speed)

Infravision: 60 feet

+1 Dex

+1 Cha

Pick size: 6 inches, Halfling size, Normal

Pick one (pointy ears are free): Horns, antennae, hoofs, double-length fingers with extra joint, thorns all over body, devil tail, active webs all over body or just in hair, fires burning in pupils

-2 Con

-1 Str

Roll hit points twice and pick the lowest at every level

Double damage from iron weapons (most weapons are steel, iron weapons are primitve) d4 damage from just touching iron

Ordinary people will not talk to you—peasants, most commoners, etc are terrified of faeries

Spells /bonus spells (Pick two)

(use each once per day--twice per day or pick a third at 5th level, three times or pick a fourth at 10th, at-will or pick a 5th at 15th level)

Darkness

Detect Magic 

Charm

Shrink (opposite of Enlarge)

Sleep

Unseelie Fae owe allegiance to Queen Nyctalis of Broceliande. She may call upon them for a service.

Quicky LotFP Druid

I just finished a short module and while writing I realized I reference "druid spells" all the time and there aren't any LotFP druid spells. So I made an LotFP druid.

The module is an evil fairy land sandbox it's in the Store for 5$. 

Here's the druid:

Quick LotFP Druid

HP  1d6

Spell Progression  as Cleric. 8th and 9th level spells can be gained at the end so long as you have more 7th level spells than 8th and more 8th than 9th.

Saving Throws  as Cleric

Base Attack  +1 to hit

Gain  1 skill point per level including first for...

Animal Handling  (starts 2 in 6) (you get this in addition to a charisma roll--either one succeeding is success)

Bushcraft  (starts 2 in 6)

Climb  (starts at 1 in 6)

Search  (starts at 1 in 6

DRUID SPELL LIST

FIRST

Blending (as Invisibility in forests)

Darkness

Faerie Fire

Light

Locate Animal or Plant (as Locate Object but limited to, y’know, animals and plants)

Mending

Purify Food & Drink

Spider Climb

SECOND

Charm Animal (includes giant animals) 

Darkness, Continual

Delay Poison

Heat Metal

Light, Continual 

Magic Mouth 

Resist Cold 

Resist Fire

Speak w/Animals

Stinking Cloud

Wall of Fog

Web

THIRD

Charm Plant (includes plant monsters) 

Cure Disease

Gust of Wind

Howl of the Moon

Plant Growth

Remove Curse

Sacrifice

Speak With Dead Animals 

Speak With Plants

Water Breathing 

Water Walk 

Wings (as Fly)

FOURTH

Dig

Divination 

Hallucinatory Terrain 

Neutralize Poison 

Polymorph Others 

Polymorph Self

Wall of Fire

Wall of Ice

FIFTH

Airy Water

Animate Dead Animals 

Cloudkill

Commune

Faithful Hound

Insect Plague

Stone Shape

Transmute Rock To Mud 

True Seeing

Wall of Stone

SIXTH

Barrier

Find the Path

Flesh to Stone

Heal

Legend Lore

Move Earth

Speak With Monsters 

Stone to Flesh

SEVENTH

Control Weather

Camouflage, Mass (as Invisibility. Mass, works only in forests) 

Earthquake

Grasping Hand

Part Water

Statue

Vision

Witchlamp Aura

EIGHTH

Maze

Symbol

Trap the Soul

Shape Change, Animal

NINTH

Imprisonment

Shape Change

Module's 12 pages, looks like this...

I Pull A Random Book Off The Shelf... (random books, with clues)

(also from the unpublished LotFP "Bards" book )

Roll d20. Since I don't want the clues spoiled for the girls before we roll, you have to highlight the area after where it says Hidden Clue to read the clues.

Twenty Minor Dramas

Tired of having every tome player characters pull off a shelf be a revolving-door-trigger, spellbook or in a language no-one knows? Flesh out those vast subterranean libraries while discouraging further investigation with these lost classics…

…and feed your players a subtle clue in the process.

1. The Scolding of Queen Principia

A garbled farce. Seven ruined men poke a chicken with sticks. None survive.

Sample:

Montague

She’s off her guard! Now is the time sir!

Lord Scropshire

Very well, I shall…ah! I’ve been peck’t!

Cropsford

Really, Lord Scropshire, I do…

Lord Scropshire

Ah! The pecking has not in any way abated! I’m now bleeding from the eyes!

Hidden clue: This (and the presence of other works like it nearby on similar themes) may tip the players off to the fact that the fearful avian creature they will soon encounter near the library (perhaps a gargantuan ibis, a roc, or an eldritch cock) is, like the creature in the book, immune to physical attacks. 

2. The Sallow Bridegroom

Sisters compete for the love of a Duke who turns out to be a piece of cheese carved in the shape of a man. They share him. Suppressed by the church.

Sample: 

Cornucopia

I dare not touch him for to touch him is to touch myself in my most slender places.

Andyne

“Slender”? What?

Cornucopia

I never liked you. But I liked that boy—even though he is made of cheese.

Hidden clue: The drama is based on a true story from the much younger days of the powerful crone Andyne. If the PCs should ever encounter her, they might realize she still still possesses a fondness for cheeses—and a hard time distinguishing the living from the inanimate.

3. The Pinking Draught

A magic elixir causes no end of trouble for a family of assholes. 

Sample:

Ephesius

But I put it in my butt!

Albinioni

Well take it out, I want to suck on it!

Ephesius

I’ll take it out when I’m done absorbing its magical properties through my butt!

Hidden clue: If the PCs ever come upon a potion labelled “Pinking Draught” (not too soon, let it lie) they may realize it’s nothing but trouble. It is: the potion causes anyone who uses it to become sure it does exactly what they most wish it would—though in truth it has no effect. The illusion lasts one hour and there is no Save.

4. The Wolves of West Clopping

A brooding tale of slow revenge wherein a cobbler and a tart bandit contrive a nightmarish demise for a priest caught fondling their daughters on All Hallow’s Eve.

Sample:

Bagatelle

Would you like some tarts?

Father Sloque

Where, good sir, did you acquire so many tarts?

Bagatelle

Oh, I have my ways. Of…acquiring tarts.

Father Sloque

Well they’re very good tarts.

Bagatelle

Thank you!

Father Sloque

So you wanted to talk to me about…mmmf…excuse me. Wow these are really good tarts.

Bagatelle

Yes I...acquired them specially for you. Because I wanted you to….have tarts.

Father Sloque

Well I definitely got them. Boy howdy!

Bagatelle

(tenting fingers)

Yes…

Hidden clue: A former cobbler named Ella Tagab (“Bagatelle” backwards) will eventually come into the lives of the PCs—and he will be wealthy, secure, and possessed of something the PCs want very badly. If the PCs realize he is the same Bagatelle from the play and threaten to expose the murder he committed in his youth, he will fold immediately.

5. The Clutching Cow

A rogue ungulate seizes the scions of a great house. Considered the apex of Baroque literature by many critics at the time, and a precursor to the gothic novel by modern scholars, this jagged psychodrama explores the ever-splintering relationships between the self and the demands of the external world, construed both as a natural and social construct.

Sample:

Silas

Hey, it’s that cow!

Cow

(grabbing Silas)

Moo!

Silas

It hath me!

Cow

Moo!

Silas

This sucks! I am being dragged off by a cow!

Cow

Moo!

Silas

Fuck!

Hidden Clue: This work is beloved of the “Philosophic Prince” Morach Van Heem of Battaviglia, and any who have read it may come into his good graces by discussing with him its symbolism and themes.

6. The Severed Blessing

Considered an early example of socially-engaged theatre, this gripping tragedy depicts a pair of nuns who discover their love for one another just before the Inquisition does.

Sample:

(Inquisitor pulls lever)

Sister Clara

Oh no I’m being executed in an awful way!

Sister Anastasia

I wish social mores were more advanced than they are presently!

Sister Clara

I as well my love! Aghhhh…

(Clara is dropped into Excellent Beadle)

Hidden Clue: One of the torture devices in the book is called “The Excellent Beadle”. If the PCs later encounter a seemingly innocent priest, monk, priestess, etc who says they are taking them to meet The Excellent Beadle they’ll be tipped off their host is not what they seem.

7. The Erotic Beaks

A philandering pair of plague-doctor brothers deceive their respective inamorata by refusing to remove their pointed masks. A lewd travesty, universally despised.

Sample:

Madame Orvieto

Oh Cyril it’s so long and fascinating!

Jeremy

Yes, and filled with aromatic herbs!

Hidden Clue: The brothers are named Cyril and Jeremy. The wicked twins the PCs will one day encounter (also using their semblance to dissemble) are also named Cyril and Jeremy.

8. The Eight Mistakes of Oswald de L’Orme

An unsettling work of experimental theatre by the depraved genius Andromache Parlour—executed in 1620 for witchcraft and heliocentrism. All the lines are spoken by nude and corpulent men standing astride statues of their own children caked in red ice.

Sample:

Ninth Shadow

You have made another mistake Oswald de L’Orme!

Oswald de L’Orme

What is it? Was it the thing I did with the wine bottle?

Angel of Prostitution

Calumny! Striation!

Ninth Shadow

(whispering)

Fun cakes

Hidden Clue: If the PCs should come across statues of children caked in red ice, they might be clever enough to say something like “Ah, I didn’t know you were putting on a production of the Eight Mistakes” and thereby give their host impression of being cultured.

9. These Pale and Rigid Ranks

A savage satire of contemporary morals, this tragicomic tale relates the life of an unscrupulous dentist as told by his own teeth. As his rates skyrocket and his handiwork decays, they begin to take on dark, paranoid personae reflecting the ills of both dentistry and society as a whole.

Sample:

Molar

How can I see a cavity when I have a cavity inside myself?

Bicuspid

Your mother was twenty whores.

Canine

Arf.

Hidden Clue: The PC will one day come upon a statue of a colossal head with the phrase “Hi gradus pallidus tensa atque rigida efficiuntur” carved into its base. Any cleric or anyone making a language roll will realize it’s a reference to the title of this play—and that they should, therefore, examine the teeth carefully.

10. The Tale of Snodgrass

A man loses track of his mother on market day only to find she has been kidnapped by Poseidon.

Sample:

Poseidon

Though she once whelped and raised you, a slave to your whims and mewlings, Irma is now my queen and will reign with me beneath the waves for all eternity .

Snodgrass

Um, ok? She seems happy.

Irma

(whispers)

Look at his abs!

Poseidon

Ok cool.

Snodgrass

Cool.

Hidden Clue: A mountebank will one day attempt to run a long con the PCs by claiming their mother was “kidnapped by a seaman on market day”. Familiarity with this work may put them on their guard.

11. The Egotist

A captain in the king’s guard tortures those around him with his overweening arrogance until a humble but perspicacious lady challenges him and wins his heart. Said to have been a great inspiration to Jane Austen.

Sample:

Nurse

What have they done to my puddings!

Captain Poquelin

I don’t know dumbass but I’m impressive.

Lady Almondine

(enters)

Nurse there’s not nearly enough boning

in this corset!

Captain Poquelin

I’ll say!

Hidden clue: The reserved, uxurious and pious Captain Raphael Poquelin has suffered much on account of this play as he feels it has caused the women of the French court to mistake him for a cad and a bounder. Any who remark upon the coincedence of the names and share his woes will be brought into his confidence.

12. The Impregnable Fortress

From the pen of Rollo Ortega del’Osoria comes this groundbreaking and early attempt at the Theatre of Inertia concerning a fortress that’s really hard to get into.

Sample:

General

Are we in yet?

Calderon

Nope.

General

Did you try the battering ram?

Calderon

Yep.

General

What about the catapult?

Calderon

We threw the rocks right at the door.

General

And?

Calderon

Nada.

General

What about the Iron Rhinoceros?

Calderon

That’s not a thing.

General

Hm.

Hidden Clue: del’Osoria would become a mystic obsessed with the notion of an “impregnable fortress”, filing the book that would be known as the “del’Osoria Codex” with architectural diagrams and protection spells. Anyone reading it will gain two levels in Architecture and access to d6 new protection spells. While the book is occasionally referenced in lists of lost tomes, this play is the only clue as to its contents.

13. The Carrot

This play, written entirely in rhyming couplets, deals with attempts by a humble Austrian peasant to locate a carrot belonging to his cruel lord, a vegetarian as strict as he is voracious.

Sample:

Peasant

Over dale or under hill?

Perhaps upon some window’s sill?

King

If you don’t find my fucking carrot,

I’ll make a hat from your ass and force you to wear it

Hidden clue: The Countess of Crewthe has heard in passing—she cannot remember from who—that this play is of interest—and will ask the PCs if they’ve heard of it and what it is about. If they know, (or better yet, have it with them) she will mark them as quite erudite, and shower the favor of the court upon them.

14. The Knight of Noses

A curse obliges a knight to store thirty noses in his chambers and wear a different one on each day of the month. The courtiers mock his affliction until a savage reversal occurs.

Sample:

Serial Mutilator 

(cuts off everyone’s nose)

Lol

Courtiers

Ub…coulb we borrow…

Knight of Noses

Seriously?

Hidden Clue: There’s also a tavern called the Knight of Noses. Each day of the month it “clones” a different other tavern in the city: the personnel, decor and events within mirror those in some other inn precisely, save for any interference from those who wander in to the Knight itself off the street.

15. The Glossy Chop

A pair of diners differ over the origin of a thin coating of moisture atop a piece of pork loin. Much praised in its day for its striking realism.

Sample:

Obragon

Mayhap a mignonette sauce!

Voynich

I think that it is pee.

Hidden Clue: The PCs may run into an alchemist obsessing over a mysterious goldish potion they fear to open labelled “The Voynich Solution” created by his dead mentor (a great enthusiast of the theatre). The play should tip them off as to its contents.

16. The School for Emperors

A pair of mighty rulers gamble on the outcome of a duel between two beggars, not knowing the beggars are themselves their own parents, once thought dead but in fact driven into destitution by the stresses of their office.

Sample:

Emperor of the East Wind

Ha look at that jerk!

Emperor of the Western Desert

Yep he sucks because unlike us he doesn’t have royal blood in his veins and is instead a normie.

Beggar

Actually I’m your dad, fucking zing.

Hidden Clue: In a few months the PCs may find themselves on a flyblown street watching a pair of beggars circle one another with flensing knives while a pair of high-born fops look on from a high balcony. They may then realize the text was a premonition and all four men are emperors in disguise.

17. The Expedition

The elders of a small town menaced by unknown forces from beneath the earth hire a band of adventurers to harry the terror to its lair and defeat it.

Elders

But who shall assay this perilous task?

Thief

(spinning dagger on fingertip)

I have for decades apprenticed to the crafts of stealth in movement and the opening of locked doors!

Elders

Indeed? Excellent!

Warrior

(hefting an axe the size of a child)

I, veteran of a dozen wars, am skilled with shaft, steel and all arms of combat.

Elders

Outstanding!

Wizard

(as lightning erupts from cupped hands)

I enslave the very forces of the cosmos, conjuring fire and terror from the very air.

Elders

Right on!

Bard

(strikes harp)

My silver tongue sways any man to my cause, and my songs inspire heroic courage!

Elders

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Bard

No seriously I want to go

Hidden Clue: To prevent the unlettered from befouling the stacks, Kharsos The Examiner demands any visitor to the Library of Nachtim-Nightwallowing  answer three of five questions about books before permitting them entry. One is—which adventurer was not hired by the Elders to go on The Expedition in the play of that name?

18. The Masterpiece

A fierce and passionate artist, encouraged by his loyal muse, contrives his finest work yet: a portrait of the goddess of mercy in alabaster and red-veined marble, but the attempt only reveals his flaws and ultimately leads to his undoing.

Lorraine

Is it finished? May I see it?

Lagneau

Almost, almost…Wait, how many arms does a girl have?

Lorraine

Two, my love

Lagneau

Merde!

Hidden Clue: The party will one day come upon a statue of the goddess of mercy in alabaster in red-veined marble. It will have two arms, but—upon careful examination—the right arm and shoulder will be shown to have been added at a later date by a less-talented hand. Cracking off the second arm will reveal a lever which opens a secret door.

19. The Second Expedition

A sequel to The Expedition, the village (saved at the end of the previous work) is once again bedeviled, this time by demons accidentally unleashed by the first party. A new company is formed to face this threat.

Sample:

Bard

(still brandishing harp)

Look, I can do magic!

(Strums aggressively, a fireball flies from the harp)

Elders

Yyyeah. Next.

Hidden Clue: Another of Kharsos the Examiner’s questions (see 17 above) is “What is the name of the sequel to The Expedition?”

20. Glendower The Brephophagist

A maiden’s long search for a husband appears to have reached a happy conclusion until it is revealed that her suitor eats babies. 

Sample:

Elizabeth

Glendower, have you seen Doctor Minniver, he…AGHHH!

Glendower

…ngumb…num…Oh hey Elivabeff

Hidden Clue: Well now the party knows what “brephophagist” means—and this is LotFP so it will likely come up. Don’t let them look it up if they don’t remember.