GodEyeHate

So it all started when Patrick looked on the map and said "Well we should go to (the heretofore neglected) Abu Zin Zeer--it's a port, they'll probably have some idea which way the elves took the Eye of Vorn"...

So to Abu Zin Zeer they went. They were to have a meeting with the thieves' guild next session to discuss getting into the high end of the city, where Lord Gormengeth and his sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb white elves were last seen heading with their suspicious 25-foot wide crate.

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But a funny thing happened on the way to the next session... namely a game of Slow War, wherein Dr Noisms, playing eastern interloper Liangyu Hui in that domain-scale wargame, hired one 10th-level and 2 5th level assassins to kill the Warlord of Abu Zin Zeer. I rolled on the AD&D assassination tables and they all failed miserably.

And then Noisms sailed his fleet into the harbor.

And the pharaoh did, too

And Michael sent the Red King's vampire troops in there through a mirror to seize the city.

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So your humble narrator and GM figures that in the timeline of the game, all this Slow War stuff happens after the D&D session the players are currently in, giving them time to do their thing and, if they fuck Abu Zin Zeer up so bad it makes the Slow War events impossible, then, ok, alternate universe.

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The players are, however, having horrible nightmares of things to come.

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Now the players meet with the thieves' guild, who, naturally, have a shadowy figure sent by Liangyu Hui offering to aid the PCs getting up to the palace in exchange for them slaying the Warlord. Makes perfect sense and thank you Noisms for the vicarious plot assist. Players take a 5000gp downpayment. 

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The PCs then devise a wonderful, elaborate plan: druid turns into an exotic bird, is delivered by the fighter as a gift from his army to the Warlord's. They roll well on charisma and the Warlord invites them into the palace.

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However.... this all takes a day. So it's beginning to overlap the first day of the Slow War timeline. I roll to see when Noisms first assassination attempt takes place...7 AM. 

So, right after the party starts, one of the harem girls (a hijra) leaps toward with a wavy blade to decapitate the Warlord. Despite or perhaps because of the fact that this random NPC is about to do his job for him, the party fighter gets initiative and lops off the hijra's hand.

So, Noisms, that's why assassination attempt #1 failed. If you were wondering.

As for why the other 2 failed? Well, it's complicated...

Taking a look at the disposition of the palace...

They concocted a plan for heisting the 20' diameter eye of the Grim Grey God of Iron And Rain whose essentials should be obvious to anyone with even a passing familiarity with Marble Madness...

...a plan which, if successful, would surely ensure them a large and well-appointed home in D&D-PC Valhalla.

After a lot of chaos in the palace and kinda-mapping and crawling around on roofs, the confident high level players use Detect Magic to locate the room the Eye's in and use Stone Shape to peel open the wall from the outside.

And then they saw what the elves had done to the Eye of Vorn...

God's Eye Triple Beholder MechGolem.

To make a long story short:

Three spend most of the fight unconscious.

One now made of stone.

One dead.

One palace totalled.

Everyone in the city runs.

And that, Liangyu Hui, Most August Desert Troll And Oligarch of Silaish Vo, Blessed Of The Burning Sea, Challenger of the Necropharaoh, Bringer of Murder By Sea, is why your assassination attempts failed.

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I guess next week we find out how the players escaped the city just before it was overrun by vampires...

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While The World Holds Its Breath....

The first major confrontation of the Slow War has begun, as the imperialist merchant fleet of Noism's Yoon Suin lead by the desert troll Huang Liu face the navy of Humza K's Pharaoh Nas Abu Khan Pharaoh Nas Aakhu Khan She En Asbiu in the port of Abu Zin Zeer...

From whose docks, in pretty much a total coincidence, my Monday D&D group is currently looking on in fascinated terror.

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Meanwhile, through certain dumbwaiter shafts in obscure chambers, one can, on a 2 in 6, hear muffled Google+ conversations between rival potentates.


Even now both ______ and______ divest their lands of much of their forces to prosecute our great war against _______. Leaving them undefended from the _____.

I hope you will join us in out crusade against _____________.

I have no interest in hostility to him or ______. Have some chocolate. It's good.

Good to know. Fancy a biscuit with that? Cup of tea?

Sure. I have some fey wine if your interested? How do_____  feel about those to the sandy wests?

We have had no contact with them and have made no agreements either way.

Indeed. And tell me about this great war against _____. _____ sounds more amusing than _____. Why all this bother with the war against ____?

It's just this years fad you know?

Actually I'm pissed because I found _____ bodies on my border with the sign of ______ on them. 

I have a feeling of doom though because my kingdom is next to _____. It's only a matter of time really.

That sounds suspicious.

Anyway, I think ___________________________________________________________.


Anyway that's just my opinion. My ambitions lie elsewhere. I long for the novelty of ______. I've already tried all the drugs here.

Be careful up there. I would be totally unsurprised if someone else had killed my guys.

I'm working on controlling my coast, so, if that goes well, and if you get into trouble up there, feel free to come back and hang out or whatever.

ALSO - It is said _______'s forces are dividing: one heading to the ____ coast, another spreading out to scout and plunder around _____.

Of no interest to me, but possibly of use to you? Have some Dwarven bread. it keeps for weeks.

I'm going near there to try use the confusion to steal balloons.
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*UPDATE: While the Warlord Emiri Al Qasit was distracted by this action in his harbor a 40 strong force of the Red King's vampire knights entered the city through a discarded mirror in the high city and took Abu Zin Zeer for himself!
( +Michael Moscrip is now winning)

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Slow War Cables Wikileaked!

The forces of Gaxen Kane march on Archbishop Sarpedon, who has sent a mighty host north in return, the dwarves of Lanthanum Chromate rolled a 02 against some NPC pirates in the first major battle of the war, but the rest is shrouded in Fog and Mystery.

Nevertheless, some diplomatic correspondence from Slow War has reached the general public, allegedly due to one Sir Manning, alleged thrall of one Lady Germanotta...

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I'm sending a modest delegation being all like

"Greetings from ______. We present you with this communication from the Penumbral Princess Chimera Moon"< revealing  a cage with a gift of a Tarantella: a bunch of minstrels sewn together into a horrible spider shape> " For maximum potency of the wisdom bringing drugs of the liver, it should eaten raw and torn from the Tarantella while it is alive and still trying to kill you"

"We trust this makes _______ intentions perfectly clear"

Cool. Send a cake in reply. Made from liver and spices and surprisingly sweet.

Second hamper with an onyx spider connected to some unbowed ribbon at the bottom, covered with wooden and woven ornaments of many fantastic creatures, people and buildings. At the top is a jar of warm, golden sand.

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A man chained to a little boat, at the bow of which is an oracular pig arrives and claims he has a message from _____. 

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(rumbling) IT IS CALENDRICAL. AWAKE Attentiveness Plausible HECATON CONFIGURATION : I AM THE FATHER. I AM TIME. Patience FROM MY MOUTH THE EGG. THE EGG IS TIME. FROM TIME A VOICE. THE VOICE IS WITHIN THE EGG.

ACCESSING FUTURE MEMORY (sound of stone scraping) DELEGATION AS EXPECTED. STAY THE DOG AND BROOM : Time Allotment redacted

(escorted by utterly armored and fur-cloaked warrirors, an assembly of hooded monks bring forth a human sized egg on an ornate litter. the egg is struck with a platinum hammer. there is a chime of sublime purity, followed by three phased echoes. the egg cracks. from the egg spills a flood of tar, containing a nude, twitching figure.)

FROM THE EGG, SLOWNESS. THE SLOWNESS IS TIME. FROM TIME, A CHILD: ЇАЊОС́. THE CHILD IS THE FUTURE. Time Offset redacted

(the nude figure wriggles and chimes)

A monk translates. "His centipedal immensity is self-satisfied that your honored subcollectivity arrives at the accordant time." 

(rumbling) MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL COORDINATION ANTICIPATED

A different monk continues, "Please reiterate your recognized agenda for recorded posterity. Forms in quadruplicate are to be completed hence."

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Responsibilities of _______

1) The _______ shall appoint a Seer to perform for ______ divinatory rituals calling on the Demon Princes of the Surface Slime, whose scummy film washes upon all shores, composed of the accumulated evils that drain from the earth.

2) The ________ is allowed to keep one of his ______ in order to ease the observation of these divinations.

3) No denizen of ________, even the ______, may call the Cruel Sovereign by the same title twice in the one day.

Responsibilities of _____

1) No denizen of _______ may kill a spider, clear a pool of algae, or fell a cypress, water-oak, or willow within the bounds of the city.

2) The above verminous life may be claimed by _______ ships passing ______.

3) A single blind locathah thrall of ________ may enter ______(normally forbidden) to claim white honeysuckle containing the sweet savor of children’s tears.

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(Note: translated from goblinish: possibly garbled)

We definitely should not form an aggression pact instead, as ______ wishes to become invested in the wars of everyone.

 

Know that _____ has a quarrel with you and wishes to be intimately involved in all of your affairs, and believes that friendship is impossible between us, even if the past.

 

Then it is not settled. Contrariwise Goblinish anti-talk makes thing astonishingly clear.

Military support is necessary. _____ merely needs to not tell _____ when threatening troops movements are detected and ______ will share information from all of his spies and those of his allies. 

Additionally, this agreement is not a secret.

Your lack of fluency in the Goblin tongue brings us great sorrow.

_______ did not spurn my advances though the _______ is now my sworn enemy. A gigantic snail-beast has not been seen _________ nor have troop movement been seen in _____ (also an enemy of mine though poor Goblinish makes this ambiguous).

Bad.  Bad.  ________ will not agree to such a proposal, and may never decide to send troops if _____ becomes bored with peace.

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My spies have intercepted a transmission which may be of value to you. At this moment, it is given freely, as both powers involved are distasteful to me.

But I hope you will remember us in ______ should an opportunity to do us a reciprocal kindness arise.

(TRANSMISSION REDACTED)

Reply: Yeah, been a lot of shit stirring going on already, ____, no one can trust anyone already. Not a matter of who will betray you as, who won't and not if as when.

Nonetheless, I, _____ am an utterly and completely straightup and honest geezer of impeccable moral standing, kneeling and lying prone on the floor. 

I take the information on board with thanks, and if it turns out to be bullshit, I'll gut you and toss your liver out for the crows. Sound fair enough?

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