Saturday, September 24, 2011

Randomest Adventure Ever

In a squat, unadorned pagoda dwell monks devoted to Nyarlathotep. The dozen or so Ulfire Men are completely cloaked in inky black. Their leader is an 8th-level Sorcerer whose body is so horribly disfigured with growths as to be barely recognizable as human anymore.

The book you hold in your hands is filled with adventure and intrigue centering around that most devious of villains—Doctor Doom!

He uses guile to dupe anyone, strikes whenever he has an advantage, and never admits anyone to be his better unless his life is at stake.

Each time he puffs forth a ring of smoke, it has a special property.

He babbles strange, disjointed thoughts regarding Asche, Ptolus, magical swords, and stranger things.

However, he still suffers from his disease and is unaware of its nature.

Unless this man is healed within one day’s time, he will die.

In the kitchen, Gerda is preparing a late snack for the old scientist. Gerda appears to be a very beautiful young woman with curly blond hair and shining blue eyes.

As she is partly around a corner, at first only her shapely legs and body up to the shoulders can be seen.

She is insane and allowed to wander about the palace and grounds. She will bear the marks of torture. Her face is marred beyond all repair.

She has a dagger +1, a cloak of protection +1, and a rod of absorption.

These extraordinary individuals are known throughout Britain and beyond. Your character has not personally met any of these people yet.

They wear black surcoats with a blazon of a silver sun.

They normaIly attack from above, trying to capture if possible.

Their presence has kept away Oakroot, the evil treant lord of the forests, but still, every day poisonous vines and creepers are found clinging to the walls and many have disappeared over the last two years.

You will almost die, and then find yourself lost among a field of stones. A boatload of children will make you marvel and fear. A white knight will also be a monk. You shall sit on a throne in Rome. Your son will be King of Britain.

At that point, read or paraphrase the following to the players:

Much of the island is covered with a variety of strange and bizarre plant growth such as Rigle tickweed, Xustin molds, and even a rare Vedrosian Polyp plant. At the summit of the island stands a twisted Vorpid oak, remarkable for the number of Yellowheaded gulls that nest in its branches.

You hear the hollow clattering of hooves, the faraway shout of “The duke! The duke! Open the gate!"

The ritual produces a haunting susurration that seduces and deludes the Violet Mist into willing bondage to the sorcerer.

A vertical wall of other-planar substance, 3 metres square and 1 metres thick appears

Warm laughter tumbles from the Inn. The worn steps wind around the heavy trunk up to the familiar, carved door.

You are offered a dangerous mission: roll 100 x1D20 to learn the actual number of gold pieces offered. Now choose whether to decline or accept the mission.

If someone takes the quest, the women stop lamenting for a while and invite everyone into their pavilion for dinner.

Valuable or important persons are being held prisoner by an evil group (bandits, orcs, a magic-user with allies, etc.). The party may be hired, or may simply be seeking an announced reward.

Known orc tribes include the following: Vile Rune, Bloody Head, Death Moon, Broken Bone, Evil Eye, Leprous Hand, Rotting Eye, Dripping Blade. If orcs from one of those tribes are encounteredin an area, it is likely that all other orcs nearby will also be from this tribe.

They might be on top of a nearby building surveying the city for any signs of trouble; they might be stopped at the same intersection in their own vehicle; they might be eating in a nearby restaurant with a view of the intersection, etc.

They are hiring any mercenary warriors who will help them, and promising a higher price than usual. (They seem desperate.)

They chose an intelligent minotaur to rule them and then set down to decide what to do with their numerous captives.

They are not to be taken as official D&D monsters, but instead are just local color to foil the rule book memorizers in an adventuring party.

Every time they explore a new hex, there are three primary rolls that need to be made.

To lengthen play, increase the front part of this scenario, characterize the landlord, the negotiations with the investigators, and the process of uncovering the clues.

Each strategic goal is comprised of many short- range, tactical goals.

Access to the dungeon is by means of a hatch in the floor, which opens to a 5’ wide stairway
down to level 1.

Only three doors are visible, all at the south end of the Temple. The narrow win- dows appear to be barred.

The adventurers enter via the south passageway.

Try to emphasize that they must be there prior to the winter solstice.

Gray Marble Chamber—sounds: human laughter and shouting, monster roars, damaging sounds, or constant sound so that you can- not hear anything else

This room appears empty but is in fact very slightly haunted.

The only exit is up the stairs and to the east (through the door).

Unfortunately, the horrendous conditions of the dungeon had taken its toll on the inmates. Some had slid so far intro depravity that they could never return to civilized life – and had no desire to.

When the adventurers arrive, the goblin cutters, ostensibly on guard duty, are just lounging around. Unless the characters made a ton of noise as they come toward the room, the cutters won't be ready for them.

If player characters use flaming oil against them, allow the monsters to use oil as soon as they can find some.

This dining hall has the remnants of some ancient meal still on the table.

Upon entering this great hall the party will notice lots of statues, stone figures of men, dwarfs and elves littered/scattered throughout. Some will be whole, complete and standing in various poses, while others might be toppled, smashed, with extremities broken off and missing.

Only one piece of furniture stands in the otherwise bare room: a plain stone chair.

The walls look rough and natural, but the floor appears polished and smooth.

This is where the lord Alfred was caught by his wife making out with one of the serving wenches.

In the decades after the liberation of the prison, a cult dedicated to the worship of Chance established a shrine within the dungeon.

The central nave of the temples contains a sheet of metal with melted edges and a large red cross within a white circle permanently enameled on the metal. The enameling is non-magical and has not faded or chipped for over ten thousand years.

The illusory nature of physical reality is accepted.

This sanctum to Xoé, the goddess of beauty and her all-female retinue is a gilded cage: the sea-side is surrounded by gold-plated poles in the water, a perimeter that keeps inhabitants in and interlopers out with its peculiar power.

These rejections of materiality means that only the living organic body is made transformed, worn objects including clothes are left behind in a heap.

Those who know the answers to such questions are treated as faithful members of the church, while those who do not are given an opportunity to attend some basic liturgical teachings within the temple. Those who refuse are charged full price.

The four dark wooden bedposts each contain secret compartments, concealed amid the crude carvings that adorn their surfaces.

In the crevasse, a great red iron statue rests, with its arms outstretched, as if holding back the walls. Its head is missing.

If a cleric brings the blue crystal staff into this room, the statue comes to life and speaks to him:

"Be wary of statuary!"

He is set on becoming chief cleric of the whole Temple when it once more sets forth upon a course of open warfare against the land above.

Connections to what may be a great conspiracy are available and might be returned to at some later time.

The lord of the Dark Reliquary is just trying to decide the best course—mostly the best one for him, but in a way the best course for everyone. Lilith, meanwhile, has forged ties with evil organizations across the city, from the Forsaken to the Balacazars to House Vladaam. Crossing these two earns the enmity of all the demons in the Dark Reliquary.

This chamber serves as the personal quarters of Therona, the amazonian queen of the hobgoblins. This callipygian warrior woman normally lounges about far less prepared for battle than the rest of her tribe, but she is well practiced in donning her chain tunic and can achieve Armor Class 5 in a round or two. HD 4+1, hp 17. Therona wields a hefty 2- handed sword with great gusto. Any male human or elf with a Charisma of at least 15 has a 3 in 6 chance of catching her eye, and she will try to carry him off for her harem if the opportunity presents itself.

She speaks with more confidence than she feels.

In the coffins are not undead, but rather two fallen gladiators from a past courtyard game. Red tinkered with the possibility of undead gladiator games, but was not successful in any type of resurrection with these two.

Each circle covers a hole in the wall. In each hole is a robotic tentacle made of Incredible material. One round after the first hero enters the room, the door slams shut and locks. Three tentacles for each hero whip out of their slots and try to grapple the hero. They have Remarkable Strength. If a hero destroys three tentacles, the room leaves him alone.

Without hope, horror is only despair.

Hidden in the tree pot are three strange looking eggs. They are shaped much like oranges and have a bright red crystal shell.

However, on a small table near the bookshelf sits a large, leather-bound scrapbook.

Players will come up with dozens of escape plans.

Characters who are not mutants present a special problem.

From now until the end of the adventure, however, the actions of the player characters are being closely watched at all times.

(Cut together entirely from scraps of RPG books lying around here...)


  1. This is a great read. It definitely gets the imagination going!

    You should get a bunch of D&D bloggers to do something like this. 1) Pick a random line, send it to the first person. 2) Take each person's line and send it to the next person, so each person only sees one previous line. Tell each of them to follow the line they get with one randomly chosen from one of their books.

    This room appears empty but is in fact very slightly haunted.

    wait wait wait
    Slightly haunted? How can something be SLIGHTLY haunted? (The ghost is only mostly dead?)

    The illusory nature of physical reality is accepted.

    Now I'm really curious as to where this is from.

    This callipygian warrior woman normally lounges about far less prepared for battle than the rest of her tribe, but she is well practiced in donning her chain tunic and can achieve Armor Class 5 in a round or two.

    I love that word. It doesn't get used nearly as often as it should.

  2. Is it sad that I recognise where some of these are from? Nah, I'll take it as a sign of my awesomeness. The urge to rip this idea off is great.