Monday, September 18, 2017

So, I said, You are a gnome on a goat

First, some heads-ups:

The Lamentations of the Flame Princess bundle is live (including Death Frost Doom 2e rewritten by me and the recent LotFP Ennie winners)*

Fever Swamp is gonna be weird and full of freaks, it's being Kickstarted

Vote for Red & Pleasant Land for Reddit game of the month

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I'm playing in False Patrick's game, here's what happened last time:

The Forest of Swine was ruled by the Swine King.

So we fought him, of course. He was like 30' tall? My cleric successfully used a Command spell. You get one word with Command, I said: "Abdicate". Pig wasted a turn throwing his crown on the ground, then I put an animal trap (standard equipment in 5e) on his balls. We took him out and rolled his crown away, along with his hoard, which the GM never thought we'd score.

A session or two later we lost 3 guys, including that cleric, to the Sky Queen's knights, but managed to keep ahold of all that gold--we had a cart. Our wizard also stole a polymorphing staff. News of our exploits spread across her lands. She's a massive pterodactyl-peacock-dragon, the big boss of the whole place.

As we passed back through what was once the Forest of Swine, we ran into a pack of tiny humanoids, mounted on large ungulates--horned and ruminant.

"So," I said "you are a gnome on a goat."

He took offense, I think. He explained they were the Goat Masters, and were bent on wiping out the tigermancers and populating this forest entirely with giant goats.

"Do you like gold?" I said, hoping to recruit them in our scheme of vengeance against the Sky Queen. We already had the xp from the treasure from sessions back so fuck it.

"No! We care nothing for baubles! We respect only strength--and the ability to psychically control goats."

Hmmm...I thought. I had a ranger now, and he was second level The ability to psychically control goats?

Strode did he boldly toward the leader astride his broad billy and engaged the rangerous ability of Animal Friendship. Dice rolled.

The gnome gasped and fell from his rebellious steed "I AM NOTHING!" he cried, and fled into the mountains.

The remaining band of Goat Masters stood in awe.

And "Behold!" cried the wizard, casting Polymorph with the staff on one of our fighters "I HAVE THE ABILITY TO CREATE GOATS!"

Overawed, the Goat Masters stood enrapt--"Imagine!" he said, casting Minor Image and summoning a hooved and capricious hallucination "...a world of infinite goats!"

The next day the horns were blown, and the entire population of 300 Goat Masters came to our side, abandoning the forest to join us, enraptured with visions of holy war.

They described to us the many factions that vied beneath the yoke of the feathered Queen--Tortoise Lords, Bathing Apes, Undead Frogs, and more. The Goat Masters seemed to have the least quarrel with the Frost Witches.

Animal Friendshipping again, we entrained a snowbird to seek the witches out in their mountain lair and bring a message. We dictated it:

"So...frost witches? You know the Sky Queen? We're gonna kill her. We have like 300 guys on goats. I don't know if you're into, like, gold but....we have that? Or however you want to get paid we could use the gold to buy whatever you're into like jewels or babies or magic stuff...anyway, let us know"

The next day a loose-limbed and formidable woman approached the camp, asking "How many babies?"

"Well," I said "where do you usually get babies?"

"Once there were explorers--like you--and they created a city and it was full of babies. But we ate them all...."

"Well, our leader has the ability to create babies!"

The Marquis cast polymorph on a squid.

"Imagine!" he said then, now casting Minor Image again "a world of infinite babies!"

So now we have a goatgnome-and-hag army and are going to go up a mountain assault this fucking dragon queen.
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*Full list:
Blood in the Chocolate (Ennie winning)
Carcosa (Only hexcrawl product laid out to be usable)
Isle & Dungeon of the Unknown (by the author of Carcosa)
The Monolith From Beyond Space and Time (freaks people out)
Death Frost Doom 2e (rewritten by me.  spooky.)
Lamentations of the Flame Princess (the game)

APPALLING BONUS COLLECTION
Veins of the Earth (by Scrap and False Patrick, also Ennie-winning)
Broodmother Skyfortress (By Jeff Gameblog, also Ennie-winning)
Towers Two (by the Gwar guy)
No Salvation for Witches (Raphael Chandler)
Lamentations of the Gingerbread Princess (by Zzarchov, I was in the playtests its fun)
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Now, a word from our sponsor:
Vote Red & Pleasant Land for game of the month, here



3 comments:

Konsumterra said...

was it a baby squid cos polymorph shouldnt alter age?

Stephen McAndrews said...

Probably just a squid sized human. Squids reach maturity at age 3 anyway. A better question is how they got the npc leaders to go away before the mirror image spell wore off.

Zak Sabbath said...

it was Minor Image and only employed for rhetorical effect, as a lightshow, not to fool anyone