Sunday, February 28, 2010


Connie's new miniature arrived the other day and it is fat.

One thing about halflings is--all the miniatures are fat. The picture in the 3.5 players guide is not fat, but the minis are fat. Female halflings are fat.

Female halflings remind me of a conversation I had over a beer with a comedian I know:

C: "She was kinda--a bigger gal. I don't know why I just said that instead of just 'she's fat'--'gal'--does that make it sound better?"

Z: "Maybe--'Gal' suggests, like--she's independent and from the midwest, and knows how to cook."

C: "It's a skillset."

Z: "Yeah."

Ok, so this halfling, she looks prepared, right? This gal.

Connie's verdict:"She's cute."

Cute? Connie's gal looks like she'd have had Sauron gutted and fileted and've been halfway through redecorating Mount Doom while Frodo & company were still tripping over mushrooms and getting grabbed by trees.

The unspoken assumption is that girls' characters look like the players. Basically. Until further notice.

Occasionally someone will issue an adjustment--like Kimberly Kane tells us her barbarian's butt is bigger than hers (and hers is not small)-"like Ice T's wife, Coco".

Connie, a natural D&Der--(in the same sense that the detectives on The Wire are always calling each other "natural po-lice") is pretty experimental about characters. She's got a dwarf, too now. I haven't asked if it has a beard.

In the beginning Connie had a half-elf rogue. Which is the standard around here. Both PC and player have a penchant for black leather with gold studs--the elf has it on her wristband, Connie has it on a pair of heels she left here last week.

But the that character got lost so she went halfling rogue.

Connie is not fat. Connie spends nearly every night squirming around on a pole to loud music, which is good exercise.

Personally I know some very attractive fat girls--or BBWs, as they're known in the Industry--none of them play D&D for some reason.

Connie likes throwing stars, but really that's just a style thing--in combat, it's always a scimitar.

I have never asked why.

Really though, she's the eyeball. What do your stripper eyes see, Connie? She remembers to look for things. She will check quietly for exits and weirdness. She leaves cliche stuff like backstabbing to the other rogues, mostly.

Frankie likes to sneak, but she makes a big deal about it "No-one can see me!" "Yes, Frankie, I know. No-one can see you."

Connie, on the other hand, remains calm and subtle at all times--falling 200 feet down a shaft, getting in KK's way when she turns into a werewolf, missing enemies over and over again the way 1st-level rogues are wont to do. She doesn't care.

Or doesn't appear to. She can be a little passive aggressive. Are you looting a body, Connie? "No, I'm just going to find one of the dead spiders and stab it a few times."

I think maybe passive aggression is a hallmark of halflings.

Oh don't mind me, I'm just taking the Ring to Mordor, though I Do Not Know The Way. And I'm like three feet tall. And have half as many hit points as you. Don't mind me.

That's ungenerous though, Connie is not a flashy player, but she dots the I's and crosses the T's. Like you imagine Sam is doing while Frodo's busy being all emo. Only she's hot and not annoying or a gardener and wears leopard skin pants.

Really much better than Sam, I suppose, actually.


  1. that mini is voluptuous, not fat. :)

  2. Ditto with voluptuous.

    Stocky, sturdy, or possibly plump, but not fat.

  3. That halfling is cool, because if she were slim, she were just a short elf, like the lame halfling pictures usually are. Hobbits like to eat a lot according to Tolkien...

  4. One of the best things about this blog is the insight into the minds and behaviors of the players. The most interesting thing, to me, is that although they are mostly female - and porn stars - there's really no difference in the way they play D&D. The same spectrum of player archetypes exists. You could substitute Connie's name up there for "Frank" and you could be talking about any guy at the game store (minus a few details, unless Frank is into gold-studded leather heels). It's fascinating.

  5. I'd have to agree, the mini represents a full figured and voluptuous halfling, not a individual who is fat.

    Personally, I am one of those guys who goes for that kind of gal so I speak from experience. There is a big difference between being 'thick' and cury in all the right places and being just plain fat.

    Now that I've revealed too much information I'd like to direct everyone's attention to what eabod sad. It is really interesting that you get a variety of traditional gamer personalities in your group, none of which has much to do with their vocations. I guess we're all the same deep down afterall.

    Though some of us look more attrative in jeans and a t-shirt than others.

  6. Is there some mistake with the photo? Because that ain't fat.

    "Fat" doesn't mean "Not thin", you know.

  7. her boobs are smaller than her hands, she can't be fat

  8. So is this the beginning of a new multi-part series "Better know a Gaming Pornstar"?

    Cause that would be Awesome.

    Saving Frankie for last, of course, because the anticipation wold drive Barking Alien quite mad. And I'm no more immune to the joys of cruel torment of others than the next DM. :)

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  11. WOW

    I had no idea that so many people who read this blog have no sense of humor.

  12. I had no idea that so many people who read this blog have no sense of humor.

    It's not just this blog :)

  13. Tom you evil bastard...and yes, its a great idea. lol

    @Zak - Funny, I didn't notice any of the comments not 'getting it' from a humor stand point. I think what you're seeing is people cheering for the less conventional idea of 'hot', something that this blog trumpets to the heavens in its own way on a regular basis. ;)

  14. @Barking Alien
    Thank you very much. Being called an Evil Bastard is among the highest praise for a DM.

    @Zak C'mon do it it'll be fun and entertaining and a place to point new folks to the blog when it starts getting cross-over hits from Escapist who are whining for more information but are unwilling to actually read the blog for it. Lazy so-and-sos.

    I'm not sure I'm arguing my point too very well here. No I take that back. I AM sure I'm not arguing my point well here.

    Still a player a week? Pretty please?

  15. That miniature reminds me of a D&D version of Kara Swole. If you who are reading this do not know who Kara Swole is, that makes me sad.

    Nevertheless, that is a friggin' badass halfling.

  16. I believe Method Man best describes halflings:

  17. "What do your stripper eyes see, Connie?" Hah! Nice one.