Tuesday, February 16, 2016


Some days I use this blog as a platform to talk about the gap between public perception and day-to-day reality in the lives of sex workers, using gaming and game-play (including the terrifyingly Delta-Force style murder-hobo efficiency of which this group is capable) as a lens through which to show that women in porn are far more complex as both individuals and as a group than media stereotypes about them might suggest.

This is not one of those days.

The first thing that went sideways was Mandy (cleric, highest level PC in the game) was too sick to play, so she just liveblogged the game on Twitter. The previous session had been quiet and it all started innocently enough:
I still have that plastic vegetable tray, it seems like a good place to put dice.

Without Mandy's Roger-Waters-esque lead-from-behind style the party was bereft of direction, a dangerous thing in the cruel white wastes of the Devoured Land. They were not, however, bereft of alcohol.
Adam arrived and was quickly elected new boss:

Stokely: Adam is the pussy wrangler.

Zak: It's the Second day of the Purifier so Ratatoskr--the slandering ferret--will leaves his fastness to gaze upon his shadow and thereby measure the depth of the coming winter. 

Alondra (druid): Wait can I turn into a ferret & fuck that Valentines Day ferret dick? I'm gonna get some Valentine Day ferret dick or pussy I dunno what it is.

I allow that should the animal in question be encountered there is nothing in the rules to prevent the occurrence of said assignation.

Stokely climbs up an embankment for some reconnaissance. There appears to be a wolf, pacing behind the piled snow, waiting to pounce.

Stokely: I turn back to the party & I go like this.

Karolyn: I don't know what that means--does that mean eat some pussy?

The battle is joined and becomes quickly desperate. The animals of the Devoured Land are not like ordinary animals. Things are here as the once were and will be again--beasts intrigue like gods, understand our languages, do not fear fire, are not distracted by meat or scattered by thunder. They have goals, and would see them efficiently achieved. People are running out of options.

Alondra: I have a snow a leopard you can ride on.

Stokely: I said I cast Fire Shield.

Zak: Yeah and I said you can't because you're in hella close combat.

Stokely: You were distracted because I unbuttoned my blouse.

Zak: All I know is 3 wolves are attacking you.

Zak: You guys have theories within theories.

Alondra: I cast flaming sphere.

Karolyn: Is your flaming sphere named RuPaul?

Zak: RuBall.

Mandy: This game is chaos so far.

Karolyn: Seriously.

The party beat up two wolves, scared away two others and captured a third. It turns out the wolves can talk--all the animals can because Things there are as things were in the day before all days, when all that is now knew a common tongue and a young, smoother moon hung pearl-like in a black bed of stars yet unborn.

After some questioning, the wolf agrees to leave the party alone if it is let free.

Then the party decides to camp for the night. It's two wizards, and druid and an alice, 5 inches tall.

The spellcaster sleeps while the tiny DelRay the alice stands guard. Meanwhile the wolf (who is a liar, duh-wolf?) spends a few hours corralling its friends, the GM rolls some encounter dice, the alice fails a perception check, and is promptly ambushed.

The party awakes to the sound of a doll-size scream and a line of bloody tracks.
A pursuing Adam casts Evard's Black Tentacles, the wolf saves against them.

Karolyn: So there are tentacles and I'm not having sex with them because I'm unconscious?

Alondra: I think I have a bow & arrow.

Everyone in the room in unison: You have a boner?!

Karolyn (having now lost her 5th PC in a year): Drunken color commentary here we come. RIP DelRey.

Zak: You died fighting for what you believed in, not unlike Antonin Scalia. Does anyone have more than 60 feet of dark vision?

Stokely: I have a big dick.

Alondra: I have 60 feet of darkvision.

Stokely: My dick is 2d4.

Karolyn: My dick is going home.

Someone else gets ambushed by the wolves' remaining companions and Adam the wizard is running out of spells.

He tries to cast Fabricate to create a structure to protect his friend...

Dave: Nevermind--the casting time is ten minutes.

Chaos continues to reign.

Stokely: What do I do next big daddy?

Zak: It's your spell not mine.

Luckily Alondra has her shit together, or at least her pet does...

...and, just as the party is in need of tracking, the ranger arrives...

...though she was perhaps not taking things as seriously as the situation warranted...

Alondra rolls another 20. And there is much rejoicing:
Alondra, oscillating in celebration so her ponytails hit her in the cheeks: "I don't need a man! I can smack my own face!"

Ela: Does anyone want some beer? I stole it from my parent's basement.

Karolyn: Your live tweeting is highlighting the hoe-ness of this game.
Eventually they find a safer place to sleep. When they wake up...
There are like, some clues and stuff, and landscape. It looks like the ferret tracks are four hours old and run perpendicular to a set of leopard tracks.

Stokely (Very softly): Zaaaaaaak what does that mean 'cause we're not paying attention.

Zak: It means you're gonna die.

Then the druid has to go, to meet a Valentine's date:
Karolyn: We support each other.

Zak: We can stop now if you guys want...


Zak: Uh ok.

Following the frozen course of the River Slith, they run into Amazons of the dread Ulvenbrigad, who will not hear the words of men. This requires some quick explaining about Adam and Dave.

Stokely: By the way milady I have pink nipples.
The quotation mark was emphasized.
Adam (to Ela): Excuse me mistress may I speak?

Ela: I like this a LOT!

Siri plays a Rihanna song. The party begins to realize they've been captured.

The amazons take the party to their leaders, KylesaMara and MaraKylesa, the lychewives.

Ela: Can my rat do anything?

Zak: I feel like I should not have to explain to a Harry Potter fan the vast capabilities of a rat.

In the manner of all vastly outnumbered PC parties brought before high-level foes, the PCs begin to say the completely wrong things--almost immediately bringing up, before the wolf-worshipping Ulvengbrigad, the amount of canis lupus they've chewed through in the last 48 hours.

Their attempts to rectify this faux pas were less than impressive:

Dave: Tell her something like 'I'm just on the rag.'

Stokely: Slave no one asked you!

They begin to strip the party of their arms and armor, and while the wizard does beg successfully to be allowed to keep a ration of cheese, the PCs don't manage to keep their heads.

Adam: She's a tool of the patriarchy she started this!

Ela: Slave!

Adam: You're gonna want me to talk soon!

Caroline Pierce: Oh shit.

After two brutal rounds of combat Stokely is unconscious, Ela is surrounded and Dave is grappled.

After a lot of metagaming, Adam decides the best he can do is touch the remaining awake PCs and Shadow Walk out of there to a spot about 3 miles away.

Dave: I'm gonna cast Scry on Stokely.

Zak: You see the Amazons preparing to cut the arms and legs off an unconscious Stokely so they can torture her and find out where you went.

She took the news surprisingly well.
Happy Valentine's Day.


  1. whoa new White Wolf guy seems awesome:

    1. He does.

      And congrats on your victory today in California.

  2. I also rolled a 1 on my attempt to eat carnitas fries and they went all over Zak's feet. That game was a mess. (Fun! But a mess.)

  3. Pretty awesome. Yeah, captured PCs, in my experience, almost always end up starting a throne room brawl.

  4. Good times! Thanks for the write up. I looked at that last picture and was all "Damnnnn! I want a Dark Crystal poster."

  5. Zak, a DEAR ABBY for ya. Say you have sessions that break down like this into chaos and drunkenness how do you keep going as a DM without throwing in the towel? That is, given there's no smoking hot chicks (or...hope she doesn't read this...one only) to distract from the 'fucking nothing worked at all tonight' issue. I've had some 'bad' sessions that were antagonistic but fun: http://test.lotfp.com/RPG/discussion/topic/682/aar-god-that-crawls/ and others that needed a double henderson 15 minutes in (or as soon as the whiskey came out). I get despondent and apathetic for weeks after. Again, I don't mean a bit off the rails like people jagging around with their phones too much, I mean totally blown off the mountain with drunken crying and throwing lawnmowers and shit like that. Thanks.

    1. The thing to do is talk to your players about what they like/want to do--both after the session and during it.

  6. Main thing is, if folks are having fun, roll with it. And I once used"as the last champion falls, you all wake up and realize it was all a horrible nightmare" after a series of really horrible die rolling, lots of 1s on their side, lots of 20s on mine... It was that or start over. :)

  7. Lol a rough session for the DM...good thing they must be funny as hell to listen to

  8. Looking forward to more "I Hit It With My Axe" to watch!

    Also, I hope Mandy feels better soon! Sounds like the party needs her for rescue/healing/resurrections...

  9. I really needed a good laugh today, so thank you for blogging about the groups antics.

  10. And the ranger will lead the way. Huzzah to you and your fellow professionals.

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