Playing D&D With Porn Stars

Thursday, December 18, 2025

Two-Player Head-to-Head D&D

Unfortunately for my wizard, Game 1
ended exactly the way this looks

1. Both players generate a 1st-level magic-user in any system.

-You each get a single 1st level spell

-You each get 12 hit points modified by Constitution modifier

-You have a maximum of 5 minions (see below for how you get minions), modified up or down by your Charisma modifier

-You get money and equipment as usual for your system

-Assume that Sleep and Charm don't work on your main wizards, so you could say they're elf magic-users if you like

2. Set up a board something like this:

Click to enlarge

-There are rectangular or square blocks which are spaced apart all the same width, one to two inches. (In our case, a width of one of the lettered building blocks, but it can be any size wide enough for a standard miniature to fit through.)

-Characters will not climb on top of the blocks, the blocks just mark paths between that creatures can use. (We used rectangular marker cases and wood building blocks but you can use whatever rectangles you've got that will fill your table.)

-There are starting places at opposite ends for each wizard.

-There are "mystery markers"--these can be indicated by any object that will fit in the maze paths, we used big dice. The markers are placed approximately evenly around the maze and none are in either starting wizard's position's line-of-sight. Although only three are circled on the picture in yellow, all the dice in the picture above are mystery markers.

-We have a pool with an octopus in it, that's a hazard and that's optional.

This one had 2 hazards: an octopus
pool and a undead spider pit

3. Each player rolls a d20. High roll gets to either:

-Pick which of the two starting places they start at.

-Go first.

The other player gets to do the other thing.

4. Turns alternate

-One player moves their wizard--and any other minion creatures they pick up--then the other player does. There are no initiative rolls.

5. On your turn your wizard may:

-Walk up to 6 inches and take any action they could do in D&D

-Run up to 12 inches

-Move up to 6 inches and teleport to a random location. There are lots of ways to pick a random location--we did this by rolling an alphabet die and then teleporting the wizard to a random location adjacent to the block with that letter on it.

-Walk up to 6 inches and shift any block in line-of sight the width of the dungeon path. Like so:

Or like so:

--You cannot shift multiple blocks at once.

--You cannot shift a block into an area occupied by anything--a creature or mystery marker or another block, etc.

-You cannot teleport on two of your turns in a row or move a block on two of your turns in a row.

-Remember, though, that the creatures can only go through the paths, not stand on top of the blocks.

6. As soon as either wizard is in line-of-sight to a mystery marker, something happens:

-The mystery marker "activates",

-This means you roll a die on a table to determine what the mystery marker represents.

-The table includes:

1. Trap (save or take d6 damage)
2. Random magic item (roll on whatever random magic item table you have)
3. A different random magic item from a different table (If you have more than one magic item table, otherwise treat as #2)
4. 1st level human with a sword and a bow (wizard picks class)
5. 1st level dwarf with a sword and a bow (wizard picks class)
6. 1st level elf with a sword and a bow (wizard picks class)
7. 1st level halfling with a sword and a bow (wizard picks class)
The other results on the table randomize across every other miniature in the house. Do you have to number every mini you have? No. We did it like this:
8. Sandalwood box, top drawer
9. Sandalwood box, middle drawer
10. Sandalwood box, bottom drawer
11.Tackle box, top drawer, left compartment
12. Tackle box, top drawer, middle compartment
etc.

If there's more than one miniature in a location, you take them all out and roll a die to randomly choose which miniature is placed on the table

For example--there are ten kinds of miniatures in my sandalwood box middle drawer--roll a d10 to decide which you get.

Note that I said "kinds"--if a location has, say, 15 wolves, one ghost, one goblin and a giant spider, just roll a d4--you don't have an increased chance of wolves.

-If it's a trap, resolve it. (The trap is where the wizard is even if the mystery marker itself is down the hall.)

-It it's an item, it is now sitting there, ripe for the taking or use in any way you might use a D&D item.

-If it's a creature then place that miniature there--it is now a minion of the wizard who found it.

7. Minions!

-Minions may begin to act on the next turn after they are discovered.

-They heed the bidding of the player whose wizard discovered them.

-Minions move a maximum of 6" no matter what.

-Otherwise they can act as the monster in the Manual or whatever standard monster book you're using. If it's a hydra, it has hydra stats.

-If the minion is a character model (like a little fighter) and the table doesn't say their level then roll d4+1 to determine their level.

-If there's ambiguity or the monster's unlisted, the players need to agree what it is and what powers it has.

-When in doubt: 4hd, d6 damage, AC 15.

-Minions (even wizard minions) don't have the wizard's power to move blocks or teleport randomly.

8. Hazards

-Hazards (like the pool above) are optional.

-Line of sight doesn't cross hazards.

-You have to deal with some creature or thing to get across them.

-In our first game this was an octopus with 4hd that attacked any foe in the pool for d6.

9. Play until one team kills the other team's wizard!

The games we've played so far all ended in funny ways.

In one, I stymied a hydra with a darkness spell it was too stupid to easily navigate out of for several rounds but then I tried a teleport and ended up between it and a backstabby thief, after a rounds of everyone bumping around in the dark they massacred me.

In another, I managed to score a higher level wizard as a minion (I got a wizard mini and we randomly rolled he was Level d4+1, so: 5). The enemy's main wizard managed to run up and Sleep him, though. However, in the next round my goblin threw a spear blunt-end-first at my own sleepy wizard, conking him for 4 points of damage but waking him up so he could barbecue the enemy with a 5th level magic missile.

Game 2 ended better for me

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Are Conservative Gamers Just Stupid?

There's been a recent one of those fistfight-in-a-fishbowl things online. A go-round of grousing lately online, dozens of responses.

Conservative gamers complaining but its hard to know what about "This sucks!!!" why? Who knows?

The only concrete complaint to emerge about anyone is they don't like my maps.

Allegedly, from the point of view of utility.

So, real question for anyone who can answer it--why is this:

...with all the information literally on the map.

Harder to use than this:

...where you have to flip through dozens or hundreds of pages to answer a question like "I succeeded on my Listen roll--what's around the corner?"?

Does anyone anywhere know?

Thursday, November 20, 2025

The Adept's Arena

A practitioner who has earned the confidence of local adepts in a major metropolis may given a sealed envelope with an address in a deserted district—and an indicated time deep in the black hours.

The sealed envelope will contain a key to the door at that address.

The door will lead to a stair and that stair will lead down and down beneath the city.

Eventually there will be another door, not locked, and inside a chamber.

(The difference between a chamber and a mere room is that chambers are private.)

The chamber is full of mages. Users of arcane magic of every stripe. They are gambling.

They occupy the circumference of a stone circle, in the center of which is a bloodstained summoning sigil.

Into this ring comes a competitor, she whispers to the master of ceremonies her name and the powers to which she aspires.

The master announces then ”Here is Vasylaa of Thrazz, who seeks secrets of the Eigth Octacle!”

The crowd roars and exchanges bets, the sigil begins, blackly, to bubble.

From the center comes some creature of the outer spheres, whose power is commensurate with the power Vasylaa seeks.

They duel, of course, to the death. If she wins, she gains sorcerous knowledge from the dimension from which the creature came—if she loses, her cares are at an end.

In Game Terms

State the level of the new spell you wish to gain—it must be at a level you are able to cast.

Then step into the ring and an extradimensional creature will be summoned randomly. It will have hit dice equal to the lowest PC level at which a standard magic-user is able to cast the spell level desired. It will have abilities to match.

The Lamentations of the Flame Princess Summon spell works well enough for this, though other options are fine so long as it’s random and can spit out a sufficiently interesting and powerful creature. If using LotFP, the initial magic save is also an initiative roll—if the magic-user makes the save they get initiative in the first round.

Good luck wizards.