Friday, December 31, 2010

What I Did While Everyone I Know Was Doing New Years' Eve

Mandy sick in bed. Happy New Year. I made this:

Random Treasure Found In The Megadungeon Table

d4: (1) nothing (2) d100 x dungeon level gp (3) Roll below (4) d100 x dungeon level and roll below, adding +1 per level down into the dungeon the PCs are.

1-Puppet. Long-lost childhood toy of subterranean humanoid monarch.

2-d4 all-wood crossbow bolts coated in holy water.

3-Attachable steel fangs. Enables bite for d4 (even if grappled, usually).

4-Mushroom. Tastes awful.

5-Cheese. Wouldn't provide a full day's nourishment alone but effectively adds 25% to the life of whatever rations the PCs already have.


7-Throwing axe

8-Flask of drinking water.

9-20' of rope

10-25' chain


12-Iron spikes

13-Short sword

14-Text of document in language of humanoid underground civilization indicating imminent plans to launch an assault on another humanoid underground civilization.




18-Grappling hook


20-30gp worth of gold trinkets. Infected with a virulent mold that'll spoil food in the pack it's stored in in 1 hour.

21-Week's rations, but (d4 1 elves, 2 humans, 3 dwarves, 4 halflings) will consider it inedible.

22-Random book.



25-Bar-sized piece of sweetened chocolate wrapped in scrap of paper with recipe. Substance unknown in local area. Worth d100 x d20 to any given confectioner back in civilization.

26-Gem worth d100x dungeon level gp

27-Small glass sphere filled with water and lodestone shavings. Works as a compass.

28-Vial of poison

29-Vial of acid. 1 dose.

30-Unusual pastry of toroid configuration. Still fresh.

31-Vial of chloroform, 1 dose

32-Bag of pulverized bone. A properly thrown bag will create a cloud of thick dust which obscures all vision and impairs the action of breathing organisms to the tune of -4 on everything in a 10' diameter area for 4 rounds.

33-Harpy's egg. If a witch or wizard subjects it to a certain alchemical process before it hatches it will give birth to a natural disaster. If not, a harpy the size of a cornish game hen will hatch and assume the nearest PC is its mother. It will act like an evil, flying child of its age.

34- Local key (Key #60+2d20)

35-Book of rare poetry. Prized by manticores.

36-Random Key (Key #d100)

37-Board game--go, chess, chinese checkers, etc. It's not magical but it is relaxing. A spellcaster playing (with someone else) gains a number of hours of rest equal to 1/2 the number of hours played. (Useful if they're adventuring alone and don't want to actually sleep.)

38-3 anesthetized bats held in individual baseball-sized cheesecloth nets. Throwing them with full strength will wake them up in midflight. They are bloodthirsty and will attack whatever they're thrown at.

39-Scroll: 1 spell. Level d4, Random.

40-Partial and crappy dungeon map. To simulate it, any player is allowed to look at the DM's map for a number of seconds equal to their PCs intelligence divided by 2.

41-Vial of Basidirond spores (4 doses) Causes hallucinations in d4 targets.
1-Individual in a swamp-strips off armor to keep from sinking
2 = Spiders attacking-individual strikes/attacks floor area to kill them
3=lndividual has shrunk-shouts for help to return to normal size.
4 =Item held is a viper-individual
5 =Individual is suffocating-runs gasping in random directions.
6 =Associates are diseased-avoids everyone.
7 = Leech on back-individual tears off anything worn on back and attacks it.
8 = Individual is HUUUGE, keeps trying to stomp everyone.

42-Mineral salts. Adding these to a pool of water and bathing in it for 20 minutes heals 2 hp of damage and grants spellcasters full rest.

43-An AD&D Fiend Folio. Written in a medieval style and with slightly different name (A Folioe Of Unusual Creatures or whatever), but containing all of the relevant information, whether or not any of it applies to your campaign.

44-Rare spices from the east. Worth d20xd100 gp to a sufficiently adventurous cook.

45-Vial of lubricant. Covers 5'x5' area.

46-Head of a morningstar. Light enough to throw. It is coated in a substance which makes it smell like fresh meat and stupid carnivorous monsters may try to swallow it.

47-Shadow-stealing scissors and bag. According to Mordicai, shadows are useful, you can't: (1d4) heal without them (1), gain xp without them (2), speak in any language except infernal without them (3), see sunlight without them (4). Roll once per species.

48-Oil of Brutal Noise. Anyone drinking this or stabbed with a blade coated in it becomes painfully sensitive to all sounds. Mechanics here are up to you. d6 doses.

49-Magic warpaint-- +2 hit and damage, -6 wisdom. d4 days worth.

50-Yellowish goo. Purifies water, makes water elementals docile.

51-Legal book written in language of nearby humanoid species. If read, it will offer general info on that species' habits, disposition, etc.

52-Dried octopus tentacle--10'. Will function as a whip.

53-Rumor dust: if you put it on you, no-one will be able to remember details about you after they meet you. Great for keeping folks from "sounding the alarm". Works d4 times.

54-Razor potion. 1 dose. Drinking it and then spitting it out allows the imbiber to spit a cone-shaped "breath weapon" full of gnat-sized barbs which does 3d6 damage to exposed flesh.

55-Crumpled musical composition in unknown notation. Any bard can roll an intelligence check + (level divided by 3) to understand it. Playing it will require will require 8 hours of intensive study as well as modifications to any musical instruments present requiring 3 hours of peaceful, solitary work. The song, when finally played, will cause all intelligent creatures within hearing range to go "Wow. That's a song alright. I'm so glad we brought you down here."
It resembles "Pop Goes The Weasel" in most important respects.

56-Vial of unholy water.

57-Bad dream in a bottle. 40% chance of being prophetic.

58-Scroll: Steal spell spell.

59-A form of waxy cosmetic made from crushed carmine beetles appliable to the lips. Using it and then kissing any object will cause a mouth to form wherever the kiss was. The new mouth will be sentient and can answer any questions that the thing in question would be expected to know (if a living being is kissed only the body part kissed will be able to speak) for d4 rounds before disappearing. The magic only works once, but the cosmetic itself is a sort of flattering muted rose and would look pretty good on you with maybe a slightly lighter foundation color.

60-Taskmaster dust--put it on yourself (first) and then someone else and you'll be able to copy their dex for the rest of the day. 2 doses.

61-Vial of a substance derived from mind flayer digestive juices. If a PC drinks it immediately after eating the brain of another living creature it will allow the PC to know everything the creature knew. However the PC must save or gain an insanity. 1 dose.

62-Diary of dead adventurer describing dungeon in sketchy detail (mostly worthless but has 2d20% chance of working on any device the PCs consult it about. HOWEVER, once it works, that's it.)

63-Scroll: 1 spell. Level d8. Random.

64-Mirror water. If dropped, opens puddle-shaped portal to anti-dimension. Anyone seeing their reflection gets attacked by a double who crawls out a la a Mirror of Opposition. Puddle can be cleaned up as normal.

65-Ordinary-looking (but fresh) apple. Cures d8 hp.

66-Consecrated dagger, +2 vs. whatever humanoid species the nearest hostile humanoid species considers its enemy.

67-A Goblin Key that'll lock any door.

68-Vial containing a form of sovereign glue. Sets instantly and covers 1' square area.

69-Vial of rust monster digestive acids.

70-74(Pack containing d4 identical Kojo cigarettes (courtesy of Noisms):
70-Love Cigarette
71-Red Eye Cigarette
72-Ghost Eye Cigarette
73-Cigarette of Judgement
74-Cigarette of Choking

75-Spell scroll: cures d8 hp but requires two fingers from a dead humanoid.

76-Elf ear with gold earring worth d100x2gp. Removing the earring from the ear causes it to turn to silver worth d10gp.

77-"Rosetta stone" book translating between ancient elvish and the language of rats.

78-Rope trick rope. Works twice.

79-Seeking dagger. Stab it into one of your own body parts and the next time you throw it it will unerringly seek the corresponding body part of the enemy. Works once. Runes on it explain it fairly well to a wizard, cleric, or anyone who knows ancient languages.

80-Mushroom. Makes you 2 feet tall until remove curse or similar is cast.

81-Vial of medusa tears. Application to a body part will turn it to stone for 5 minutes. 2 hand-sized doses.

82-Goblin-walking scroll. Speaking the words on this scroll causes the creature to stick like a fridge magnet to their own shadow--allowing them to walk on walls or ceilings so long as light sources in the room can be moved such that the shadow of the creature can be cast on the ceiling. (Generally, a creature can jump, causing the shadows of their feet to slide up to the wall, this will then cause the creature to be sucked toward their shadow.) Works until creature is exposed to sunlight.

83-(from Taichara) A small, white and friendly kitten with glowing eyes. The kitten will follow the party everywhere; if it is killed, the next night there are two kittens.

84-Pair of beads. Crushing bead A will instantly bring crusher to the location of bead B.

85-Web of Hands. Web, 2 feet square, with severed hands attached. On a successful hit the hands will resist attempts to remove the web, using whatever mechanics are appropriate to your system.

86-Fancy hinged box. Inside is an elaborately-wrought carved scalpel and illustrated instruction book (in a foreign tongue) in a velvet-lined case. The scalpel can be used to remove an eye from any creature (of roughly equal size) and insert it into another creature's head, enabling them to use any vision-related abilities or gaze attacks of that creature. The surgeon can't be either patient and must make a dexterity roll. Rolling over dex means the operation fails and causes d20 hp damage. Rolling under causes d20 minus (number of points under dex rolled) hp. Works once. Whenever the recipient of the new eye rolls a 1 it means the new eye has rebelled and will spend the next d4 rounds causing as much trouble as it can for the PC.

87-Vial of multicolored dust. When opened or shattered it creates a cloud filling about a refrigerator-sized area in mid-air. It lasts for 5 days. The mist affects any magic effect passing through it as follows: (d4 1-disperses effect 2-redirects effect toward randomly determined other target 3-Wild magic effect 4-Solidifies effect into a small mammal which drops immediately to the floor, where it sleeps for d4 hours.) The vial can be opened or broken in the middle of someone else's turn on a successful dex check.

88-Frost mask. This icy substance, when painted over a creature's eye will lighten and twist it into a shape which frightens fire. No flames, magical or otherwise will come within 5 feet of the creature. Lasts 1 day. 3 doses.

89-Hammer of Exorcism

90-Marble-sized crystal of Ice 8. Like Ice 9, but it'll only solidify about a 20 x 20 x 20 foot area of water.

91-Vial of liquid shadow. Not the kind in Ptolus, which just gives you a bonus to shadow magic (though it does that, too, why not?). This stuff can be used to create a deep shadow--about twice human-sized--where there shouldn't be one. A thief can hide in it as if it were an ordinary shadow, at -20%. It can also be used to move from any liquid shadow to any other pool of liquid shadow the character knows about. It can also be used to replace a lost shadow.

92-Codex of Unutterable Tedium by Ryne Bland. This book is so boring. Anyone reading it will fall asleep after a number of rounds equal to their wisdom for d10 rounds. Reading aloud from the book will cause anyone hearing it and able to understand it to make a will/vs.-spell save or just walk out of hearing distance. If the reader pursues the fleeing creature and continues reading, the creature will be affected as with a sleep spell. Anyone hearing or reading the book more than three times will attempt to destroy or discard it.

93-Vial containing an oily substance. If rubbed on any part of the body (5 square inches), spikes made of fused bone and hardened flesh will form there. A successful strike with these spikes will cause d4 damage or normal punch damage plus 2 hp damage, depending on system. 2 doses.

94-Vial containing an oily substance. If rubbed on any part of the body (5 square inches), a functioning eye will form there. Eyes facing backwards have predictable effects, eyes on the fingers or hands may allow a bonus to hit at the DM's discretion. 1 dose.

95-Sign of Antithesis. This talisman looks like the holy symbol of some local god or demon only upside-down and with a closed eye superimposed on it. It makes the wearer entirely invisible to the deity or power in question. Cleric spells and paladin abilities granted by the entity in question will not affect the wearer. The sign is made of ordinary materials and can be destroyed as easily as any piece of jewelry. Any cleric will recognize one.

96-Null paint. This substance will only function if applied to living flesh. Any part of the body covered in this paint becomes nonreflective black and intangible. Weapons cannot be held in a painted hand, clothing cannot be worn over a painted body part (it will pass through), etc. If painted over sensory organs they become useless. If painted in a stripe pattern on the skin then items may be held or worn and 50% of all piercing or slashing attacks will pass harmlessly through the wearer. Lasts one day.

97-Hypercube. This small, cube-shaped device (made of shriekglass)--when shattered--creates a megadimensional, non-Euclidean space in a 15'x15'x15' area. Anything passing through it comes out in a random direction at least 2 rounds later. Entering the space results in psychedelic Escheresque spatial distortions the DM is free to invent, noting that there is always much more space inside the cube than it would appear from outside.

98-Vial of bizarre pearlescent substance. When mixed with demon blood it will create a solution which, when rubbed on a weapon, allows it to be treated as a magic weapon for 10 rounds.

99-Hand of Glory.

100-Net trap kit. Tripwire activated, catches up to 4 humanoids.

101-Shield made of null-magic metal. Basically gives a reflex save/dex check against magic attacks that might be blocked by a shield.

102-Morningstar of Ridiculous Wounding. This magic weapon can hit gods, demons, etc. as if it were a +6 weapon (though it has no bonus), however a successful hit on an intelligent creature will strike the target as hilarious, causing them to laugh so hard their armor class is reduced by 1. Successive hits will seem even more hilarious, again reducing the target's AC by 1 for each hit. If the target survives the combat s/he/it will continue laughing for 8 more rounds.
The user becomes increasingly grim and humorless. His/her charisma is reduced by 1 for all purposes except intimidation checks for each foe slain with the morningstar.

103-Lachrymaxe. This weapon appears to be merely a very ancient and finely-made battleaxe, however, it feeds on misery, and gains a +1 for each intelligent creature whose tears are rubbed onto the blade (up to a maximum of +5). Each application of tears must be from a different species.
The Lachrymaxe is intelligent, though it will never engage in a duel of wills with its owner. It will, however, whisper to the wielder constantly, subtly encouraging him/her to slay, to conquer, and to tread the jewelled thrones of the Earth under his/her feet.

104-Small softball-sized black sphere carved with runes and is obviously magical. It functions exactly like a WH40k Vortex Grenade except, in addition to the 10' diameter sphere of nothingness at the center, it also generates a wild magic corona 2o more feet in every direction.

105-Unimaginable Star of Yragnnngrelfffzzzikkrraxxllaarrrgghh


  1. Am I correct in thinking that the goblin key (#67) will lock not unlock a door, even if it locked it in the first place?

  2. Oops. That should just be "Will not unlock"

  3. @Zak S, Mandy, and sundry: Happy New Year!
    @Mandy-Hope you feel better soon...

    On the List:
    40-Partial and crappy dungeon map. "To simulate it, any player is allowed to look at the DM's map for a number of seconds equal to their PCs intelligence divided by 2." I could just just show my players one of my old maps from when velaran, age 8, began GMing, for as long as I can bear their ridicule.... (cringe.) ;-P

    43-An AD&D Fiend Folio-this should apply to everyone's campaign, at all times, even if it's not D&D!

    60-Taskmaster dust-Cool. I think I'd wear a skull mask for extra effect. I'd put mine on Batroc the Leaper.

    92-Codex of Unutterable Tedium by Ryne Bland-% chance that PCs could become obsessed, and join a cult based around it?

    99-Hand of Glory-who doesn't need one every now and then? MY fav real world magic item, ever since I read Frazier years back....

    103-Lachrymaxe-Made of Awesome. My players hate it when I do things like this to them. Oh well, Yoink!

    105-Also, I'm guessing, unpronounceable.

    Time well spent, to my mind!

  4. Fabulous stuff. Your key mechanic and the crappy map are stand outs to me, but really too much good stuff. Thanks for sharing.

    Hope you all have a great 2011.

  5. I love the items which break the fourth wall -- which isn't an appropriate decription as there's no fourth wall in rpgs, but you get my meaning; perhaps there's a better term -- like the nine-second map, or the Fiend Folio. Things which cross over from the imaginary world of the game into the real world of the game table. That's part of the reason I like the way pre-D&D3 classes all have different mechanics; it's easier to feel the difference in playing a thief when you use different dice to activate your abilities. You lose that a bit in the more recent games.

    I'm also a big fan of the Taskmaster Dust.

    Happy new year, and get well soon!

  6. Happy New Year you guys. No, you're not the only one who was poking around - @thePrincessWife has been sick past couple of days and last night she spent NYE on the couch. She braved it out to midnight so we could have sparking juice, a bit of "snuggling" and then to bed.

  7. I absolutely love it. Your imagination never ceases to astound me. Hope Mandy feels better, and I hope you continue to blow our minds in 2011. Happy New Year! Btw, does the Codex of Unutterable Tedium weigh like 50 pounds? Cause that's the only reason I haven't read that book. :D

  8. Since I'm not willing to go back and count myself, anyone know what the current (final?) tally for the number of possible results on the Hammer of Exorcism is?

  9. Is #45 condom-safe? I.e. is it oil-based and inflammable, or water-based and not?