It's Possible To Suck At D&D

Perhaps because it involves so many nerds, the RPG community has a much tougher time than the sports community accepting really that sometimes people just suck and redesigning the game won't fix that. 

Now--I've rarely seen a group with a decent interpersonal dynamic have a player who just sucked--even people who are dull shine up over time when surrounded by people of good will. Whether this is because interesting, smart people self-select or because an environment of cool, friendly people stimulates people to be better (or both) would be pure speculation on my part.

But there are lots of groups that aren't functional. Let's handle their FAQs. 

My friends won't role-play their characters and I need them to!!!

Then they are, at best, people you don't get on with and--at worst--super boring. Leave them and play with other people.

I like the other players but they won't do what I want to do!

Become more charismatic. Or if you can't: realize you never will and accept your limitations and relax a little because apparently you're stuck with them?

They won't read the book!

So? Reading the book is not and never should be essential. They have lives. That is good and probably makes them more interesting than you--a person who is complaining to internet strangers about your players' problems instead of talking to them. Maybe you're the boring one? Not everybody needs to read the book.

But maybe if I played a different game that supported role-playing?

If you need a game that gives you mechanical cookies to have a personality you are a boring person. You should become more interesting before you play any more games.

I dunno D&D seems to work against role-playing--in order to have a character whose personality reflects me I need to make choices that make the character suboptimal?

Then make the character suboptimal. I always do.

But if I play a suboptimal character, I'll die!

You should be able to run the table with a 2hp thief having never read the rules. If you can't then either:

-You are not good at imagining things and solving problems and need to become smarter. Because the game should be testing your ability to imagine things and solve problems.

or

-Your DM is not running the game in such a way that problem-solving imagination is rewarded in consistent and transparent ways and they suck at DMing and need to become smarter.

or

-Despite being so into playing your character you're willing to play a suboptimal build, your performance of that character isn't charming enough for the clever problem-solving characters to take pains to keep you around. Improve.

But there are games where I don't have to be smart or interesting!

Yes. And you can choose to play them--and find enough dumb, boring people to play with you (please don't inflict yourself on cool people)--then you can play them instead of becoming better as a person.

Are you saying everyone who plays games which don't require problem-solving and which have tools to help you roleplay more are only played by boring, stupid people?

No, I'm saying if, as an adult, you need them: you're a boring, stupid person.


That's very judgmental.

Yes. It's 2016: it should be painfully obvious that some people suck and that diagnosing that is an important life skill.

Ok, so everyone I play with is terrible? What do I do?

This is not a problem any game design can fix. You need to go meet new people.

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d100 Brutalizer

These 2 tables are attached to no specific critical hit mechanic--many of the crit charts that already exist are very good and I presume if you want to play a game where combat takes a roll or two longer you can go do it. They're fun.

These are for any game, including standard D&D and D&Dlike play: roll to hit, roll damage, eventually someone dies. The purpose of the tables is purely verbal: all GMs fall into the trap of describing the same injuries over and over (I know I'm always describing axes going into shoulderblades) and this is meant to lay out the possibilities a little better in the moment. This does not evenly distribute injuries--a body part appears as many times as it has interesting synonyms.

I don't even recommend you roll on them--just keep them handy to look at and let the options seep in while you play. When people die or take massive injuries, pick a kind of trauma and a body part and make a really metal sentence out of it--occasionally throwing in "You pulverize his sternum with your morningstar and cave in his breastbone" instead of "...aaand that one's dead" can work wonders.

Ideally, also, this should be a Vornheim-style split-column table, with the numbers on the left and both columns printed next to each other so you can roll once and read across or mix and match. But I don't know how to get blogger to do that.

Injury description

(Slashing injuries)
1 Split
2 Slice
3 Divide
4 Cut
5 Cleave
6 Lacerate
7 Carve
8 Chop
9 Bisect
10 Slash
11 Sever
12 Rend
13 Rip
14 Open up
15 Shear
16 Lop off
17 Dice
18 Mutilate
19 Remove
20 Take off
21 Sunder
22 Hack
23 Eviscerate

(Blunt weapon injuries)
24 Grind
25 Mash
26 Smash
27 Bash
28 Mangle
29 Bludgeon
30 Smack
31 Whack
32 Crack
33 Pound
34 Break
35 Shatter
36 Fracture
37 Pulverize
38 Flatten
39 Batter
40 Traumatize
41 Macerate
42 Tenderize
43 Pulp
44 Cave in
45 Burst
46 Crush

(Piercing weapon injuries)
47 Stab
48 Lance
49 Jab
50 Thrust through
51 Perforate
52 Butcher
53 Punch through
54 Run through
55 Impale
56 Skewer
57 Pierce
58 Poke
59 Penetrate
60 Puncture

(Flame injuries)
61 Boil
62 Char
63 Scorch
64 Set alight
65 Toast
66 Barbecue
67 Broil
68 Cremate
69 Roast
70 Cook
71 Burn
72 Incinerate
73 Singe
74 Melt

(Bite injuries)
75 Masticate
76 Eat
77 Gnaw
78 Devour
79 Gnash
80 Bite
81 Swallow
82 Chew

(General destruction)
83 Ruin
84 Ravage
85 Eradicate
86 Wreck
87 Liquidate
88 Trash
89 Collapse
90 Liquify
91 Undo
92 Demolish
93 Devastate
94 Obliterate
95 Deconstruct
96 Cave In
97 Annihilate
98 Destroy
99 Dismantle
00 End

Body part description

1 Teeth
 2 Eye
 3 Intestine
 4 Spleen
 5 Innards
 6 Thorax
 7 Thoracic vertebrae
 8 Spinal vertebrae
 9 Skull
 10 Zygomatic arch
 11Temporal lobe
 12 Brain
 13 Rib cage
 14 Scapula
 15 Bowels
 16 Tongue
 17 Spine
 18 Spinal cord
 19 Skin
 20 Scalp
 21 Stomach
 22 Chest
 23 Torso
 24 Fingers
 25 Thumb
 26 Coccyx
 27 Gut
 28 Sternum
 29 Breastbone
 30 Ribs
 31 1st rib, 2nd rib etc
 32 Liver
 33 Neck
 34 Kidney
 35 Clavicle
 36 Pancreas
 37 Intestines
 38 Lung
 39 Heart
 40 Ear
 41 Braincase
 42 Thigh
 43 Bicep
 44 Deltoid muscle
 45 Ankle
 46 Nose
 47 Aorta
 48 Pelvis
 49 Crotch
 50 Hipbones
 51 Jawbone
 52 Hand
 53 Carpal bones
 54 Foot
 55 Leg
 56 Lips
 57 Arm
 58 Wrist
 59 Metacarpals
60 Mouth
61 Face
62 Groin
63 Forehead
64 Forearm
65 Toes
66 Claw
67 Tail(bone)
68 Wing
69 Shoulder
70 Entrails
71 Jaw
72 Entire body
73 Cheek
74 Base of the skull
75 Elbow
76 Knee
77 Kneecap
78 Upper arm
79 Voicebox
80 Achilles tendon
81 Haunch
82 Backbone
83 Head
84 Limbs
85 Paw
86 Abdomen
87 Vertebrae
88 Solar plexus
89 Belly
90 Between the eyes
91 Hip
92 Breast
93 Ass
94 Throat
95 Collarbone
96 Trunk
97 Trachea
98 Jugular
99 Adam’s apple
00 Cranium
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The One Thing Everybody Playing Should Do

Broad "Listen Up Everybody!" advice on GMing often boils down to a list of things that'd be great if you had infinite time or a list of things that would be really dead-on if you were a totally different person.

Broad advice on playing often has the same problems plus it's for players so nobody reads it.

It's hard to give advice that applies to all the different problems people can have, but there is one thing that I think applies across the board to players and GMs in pretty much all RPGs and all playstyles and all personality types and that even experienced players and GMs can always push themselves to do better in every game (myself 100% included): support the reality of the other peoples' inventions.

What that means is: when someone (within whatever parameters the game says is legit) establishes they're doing something or something is there or something is like that--constantly casually acknowledge it in how you talk. It's basically a lot like the old improv rule: "Say 'Yes, and...'" but it doesn't ask for as much. You don't have to top them or even build on it--just mention what's there, whatever it is.

If the GM incidentally says the room is lit by magical fuchsia flames--say how weird everyone looks in the pink light. Mention looking down at the veins in your palms to see how they look. Or ask if it gives your pink warpig a stealth bonus. Not necessarily to get a bonus or find anything, just to say "Hey, that little detail--I heard that".

The druid says she has a scarf made from an ermine that (she hastily adds) died of natural causes, have your thief make a point of being like "How's that sound, dead ferret?" before nailing down the heist plans.

Do it in little ways: if you're playing in a pick-up or con game, try to use the other characters' names. Try to remember what they are good at and ask them to help. "Can you hold them off with your pike, Arnie?"

The only consistent difference between hanging with your buds and playing one of these games--the only reason we chose to do the second thing instead of just the first--is whatever it is we get out of a shared imaginative space. Simply reminding them "Oh you imagined that? I am now imagining it too" deepens what we get out of that, no matter which direction we then want to use that space to go.
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Non-magic Ranger for 5e

Who decided rangers would be magical? Probably it's Gary's fault somehow but whatever...

This is for my hacked version of 5e--like the paladin I made (Knight of Tittivila) it's a non spell-casting ranger and is a bit less powerful overall than the 5e default--but also more straightforward and with less mechanical fiddly bits.

Hit die: d10
Saves: Strength, Dexterity
Skills: Pick 3--Athletics, Insight, Investigation, Nature, Perception, Stealth, Survival(/Tracking)

Level 1
-Favored Enemy: Learn their language (Int check if it's a strange dialect), Advantage on checks, +2 to hit and damage. Categories: Local creatures (incl animals and folkloric creatures), aberrations & elementals, reptiles, fey, giants, plants, undead, any 2 races of humanoids
-Favored terrain: Advantage on info and tracking checks. Pick: Arctic, coast, desert, forest, underdark, mountain, swamp
-Prof bonus +2

2
-Pick one fighting style:
   +2 to hit with bows (archery)
   +1 to AC
    Add ability mod to damage on second hit while using 2 weapons
-Animal companion: You get to pick one animal of 2 HD local to where you are when you level up or to your native environment, it behaves as if Charmed and gains d4 hp per level and is your friend. If it dies you may replace it but you can only have one at a time.
-Prof bonus +2

3
-Advantage to tracking rolls made in any environment
-Automatically succeed on any history, nature, lore etc check about any specific species or place previously observed (once per creature/place). Keep track.
-Prof bonus +2

4
-Add 2 ability score points anywhere
-Any environment you've spent 4 consecutive game sessions in counts as a Favored Terrain
-Prof bonus +2

5
-If the player playing the ranger maps a wilderness area, then, the second time the ranger PC passes through that area (provided at least an hour or one pitched combat has passed--to cleanse the ranger's mind of initial impressions), the ranger PC will automatically notice any concealed or hidden features in that area, and also any changes since last time. A mappy ranger will also notice any differences between a players' map drawn by someone else and the actual landscape and can find food or fresh water in any mapped wilderness terrain within an hour.
-If a ranger spends 15 minutes preparing camouflage, s/he can be unseen in any wilderness environment if not moving and gains advantage to stealth while moving.
-Prof bonus +3

6
-Extra atk per round.
-Choose a second favored terrain.
-Prof bonus +3

7
-Know a single sentence in any language from the area you come from on a successful Int check
-Given an hour and a successful Nature check you can locate berries, fungus, spider glands etc capable of restoring d4 hp to an injured creature. This stuff has to be fresh and goes bad after PC's level # of hours.
-Prof bonus +3

8
-Add two ability score points anywhere
-Given an hour and a successful Nature check you can locate lichens, molds, scorpion sacs etc capable of causing Confusion to a creature that ingests it (ie can't be stabbed in)--it doesn't take effect until the target fails a save (DC is ranger's nature check) and lasts until the target makes another save. The stuff has to be fresh and can't be used after PC's level # of hours.
-Prof bonus +3

9
-You may calm any animal or animal-minded creature with a successful Animal Handling check.
-Outdoor difficult terrain (unless magical) does not slow you.
-When outdoors, your passive and active perception allows you to notice features that would usually only be findable on a careful search.
-Prof bonus +4

10
-On a successful Survival check you can leave no trail and go undetected without magic.
-Growl can cause save vs Fear ( DC: 8+prof mod+Wis mod.) in animals of 5hd or less.
-Prof bonus +4

11
-You cannot be surprised in your preferred terrain.
-Choose a second favored enemy from any form of creature you have met in the campaign.
-Prof bonus +4

12
-If you spend at least 3 rounds setting up an ambush, everyone in your party gets an extra non-attack, non-spell action during the surprise round.
-Prof bonus +4

13
-After a round of study where you take no action, you can trip or disarm any foe on your next successful attack.
-If you roll maximum damage with any weapon, the blow lands exactly where you want.
-Prof bonus +5

14
-Add 2 more ability score points anywhere
-Prof bonus +5

15
-You may make any animal-intelligence creature you encounter of your level HD or less your companion (as level 2 otherwise). Mutant lion, dinosaur, whatever. You can only have one companion at a time, though.
-Prof bonus +5

16
-You cannot be surprised outdoors.

-You cannot be tracked outdoors.
-Prof bonus +5

17
-Add 2 ability score points
-Prof bonus +6

18
-You speak the language of any animal on a successful Nature check.

-Prof bonus +6

19
-Add 2 ability score points anywhere.
-Prof bonus +6

20
-Double damage against your favored enemies.
-Prof bonus +6

Players Are Funny And Horrible

Last session was pretty funny an iphone video is worth 1000 half-remembered lines of transcribed dialogue, so here we go.

Set-up:

We’re playing Maze of the Blue Medusa and the players have found an exit leading out of the Maze to an island. To quote the book:

The islanders believe this dungeon is their spirit world. A strange impossible land of powerful and capricious beings who must be placated with regular offerings of useful things.  Kept in eternal equipoise by the scheming of cunning priestesses.   

They think anyone who comes out of the dungeon (including adventurers) is divine and live in constant fear of being favored by one of these capricious goddesses and dragged into “the underworld” so they wear masks painted with the features of ugly women and claim to have nothing of value. (I love that bit, it was Patrick's idea.)

So the party comes out and demand a place to sleep. The villagers hastily begin to assemble a sleeping area near the entrance to the dungeon. “No,” says the witch “We want to sleep in the village, not near where all the monsters come out”.

“Oh, great ones you don’t want to sleep in our village—it is very ugly. Perhaps…the ampitheatre near the extinct volcano?”

So:

Once that’s settled:

-Grog the human fighter immediately goes to sleep
-The girls have to decide what to do with their elven prisoner
and
-The Chameleon Woman paladin still pines after the half-dragon Lady Crucem Capelli who they met in Room 2

Lady Crucem Capelli, in blue, above--stealer of hearts

This resolves in a scene that should probably have a content warning because the girls introduce some…themes concerning how best to utilize their prisoner of which the DM most definitely does not approve.

Relevant To Your Interests

We got in a game this weekend after a quiet stretch and it was awesome--I tried to upload a video of the players threatening to drag a bunch of cowering NPCs to hell and then having a lotta girltalk about consent that ended in an orgy but blogger is being a jerk so I'm going to transcribe it some time soon and get it so you can see it. There's also some big news that should (should) be announced in the next few months.
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This part of the year is often kinda quiet--people in LA get alotta work around Halloween and then family stuff takes over in November. I have been playing a lot though, in Satine Phoenix's new (official) Eberron show Maze Arcana (official WOTC chatter about it here)...

...so if you ever wonder what I'm like as a player there I am. There are a lot of guests but other regulars are Kyle Vogt who was (hilariously) in that movie The Room and cosplay/twitch goddess Milynn Sarley as a shifter who steals baby shoes and long-suffering GM Ruty Rutenberg.

Stuff to watch for:

-I play a fighter and don't use any feats or powers and do lots of stuff anyway.

-Also I play a changeling which in practice means I end up doing a lot of voices but like half of them are just that goblin voice I keep doing.

-I play a very private drinking game on my end of the table every time someone makes a stupid nerd pun.

-Milynn and Satine utterly refuse to do what the DM wants them to.

Also they made me sit next to the bard. Twice.

It streams live on Sunday mornings and then the episodes are archived on the weekdays after and a chunk of it goes to charity. Satine just now started a Patreon so she can add in more goodies and content. If you've been watching and want to contribute there you go. Do that. I spent enough time working on the first Hey Watch Us Play D&D show that I can tell you a bigger budget matters to the quality of what you get to see.

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And yeah my last entry was also telling you to spend money on D&D stuff and before that I was telling you to throw in for the Swords & wizardry Kickstarter and donate to get Contessa to GenCon (you should still do that) but hey it's the goddamn season for giving ok? So also:

This is massive news. I have never waited excitedly for an RPG product to come out ever. I just am not that kinda guy. But this--this I've been waiting for. I read and ran an early draft and it became major canon in my game because it involved a flying island crashing into a city--and it's a goddamn introductory module. It's fantastic, it's written in a breezy, eminently readable style by the smartest, funnest DM in all of gaming, it's several times longer than it was supposed to be and has crazy 4-color art and raises the module bar sooooo many notches and is exactly what the whole DIY D&D thing is supposed to be all about and I'm so happy I could kill all of you.
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OMG so many DIY D&D projects right? How to keep track? Well I'm having trouble, too--and there's a lotta good stuff out there.

So I'm announcing the DIY RPG One Stop Shop--a list (with links) to independent RPG products and other projects that want money for any reason. 

How do you get on this list? Simple: you leave a message here or on the G+ page referring to this entry with the name of the product/project and a link to it. There's going to be a fuckton of responses here and I'm going to be using stuff like Auto Text Alphabetizer to handle all of it so please do not provide any other information or salutations in your message besides the project name and the link, right after in the following format:



Vornheim: The Complete City Kit--https://www.lotfp.com/RPG/products/vornheim

(don't forget the dashes)

Here's an example of what not to do:

Hey Zak thanks for setting this up :) Mind if I plug my book?
Vornheim-- https://www.lotfp.com/RPG/products/vornheim 

If it's not in the right format I won't add it to the list because it'll be a giant giant pain in my ass. For now the list will just be a big page on this blog with links to where you can buy stuff but it seems likely that once the list is collated some intrepid soul might give it its own shiny webpage. I will add comments to products I'm familiar with.

Anything tabletop RPG-related that you pay money for and isn't by a big company is eligible, including old stuff. When in doubt, don't ask me if a thing is eligible just put the name and link.

DIY D&D Black Friday Shopping Guide

Hohoho! Holiday game shopping got you down, gamers? Just sit on jolly Santicore's lap and tell him who you're having trouble finding a present for...

Your DM who has all the stuff already

I bet they don't have everything from Hydra Collective yet! My favorite is Tree Maze of the Twisted Druid--a rekeyed dungeon from when the author was but a wee lad--but the stuff with Luka Rejec art is a close second. These are the kinds of adventures you can pull out, reskin to your heart's delight, and have ready to run in under an hour.

Irritating children

You know how much kids love postmodern postcolonial weird fantasy author China Mieville and also me? Get them The Worst Breakfast. It's written by me and him and drawn by me and is about the most important meal of the day. Recently named one of Kirkus Review's top picture books of 2016.

A needle-eating dog with one ear and steel fangs

They need Hubris! A meatgrinder gonzo hatefuck murdering setting for Dungeon Crawl Classics. It's the new hot thing!

Fred Hicks' mom

I read on a 4chan thread about her that she's a huge fan of the new Kingdom Death kickstarter, it's expensive but goddamn those miniatures are something else.


Your player who keeps falling asleep because you are a terrible DM

Keep sleepy's head in the game with a Maze of the Blue Medusa pillow here! Shipping is free from this site today only.


A guy you only know from cons who smells bad

Encourage long and contemplative showers with an intricate Zak Smith shower curtain! Same site: shipping still free today.

Someone completely fucked up

Keep them clinging to vague tokens sprinkled along the thin edge of their ability to interact with fellow humans with dazzling and enigmatic Scrap Princess merch

The Community

Give back to the hobby you love by helping to send Contessa to GenCon this year.
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