Strikeforce (divides adventure by) Zero

So we weren't trying to break the GM...

I think the first thing that was weird for Jez was we attacked the Yakuza with dog-heads (not we attacked them using heads but they had those heads and we attacked them) because why wouldn't you do that? If you were investigating dangerous things and you were being spied upon by Yakuza with dog heads why wouldn't you try to grab them (the Yakuza)? I did. And I'm not ashamed. I did it with telekinesis.

I think this was maybe off the rails for what Jez planned but whatever he was handling it ably. I think we tortured him. Not Jez, the Yakuza. But maybe Jez a little because it was one of those scenes where the NPC really doesn't know that much but you just keep whaling on him because he's a Yakuza and just tell us the plot already, Yakuza. "Ow, my head.""Do we have a crowbar? Let's hit his ears." I think we told him someone killed his brother but we actually did it. It was all very awful for that Yakuza.

There was a long investigation chain for some hours. Jez started to get a little loopy. He said "I...I..." a lot at the beginning of sentences.

Oh wait I didn't explain the mystery. Here it was: There was found burned up cats and inside of each: a weird hand. This was what we were supposed to investigate.

Yes so anyway we are in Japan.

And eventually we meet a cat lady who is crazy. Clearly a red herring. Also: photographer, Yakuza's with rubber dog faces (have you ever worn a motorcycle helmet? So like imagine that peripheral vision problem there plus a rubber dog mask? That's not safe.), also some shopkeepers, a drunk widower. All kindsa Cthulhu extras. We discover approximately......zero things. This takes hours and hours. It's fun but we have no idea why there are burned cats with hands.

Then some research on the computer! Rolling a lot we discover that there's a connection between all these things that are Japanese and the Ominous Office Building Top Penthouse Suite Guy.

Finally! Yay Computer Skill!

So like I have Disguise at 80%. (Oh and I have telekinesis because we are playing this setting using the Disturbing Parapsych Powers Cthulhu that is all of the rage at the moment.) So I disguise myself as the Looming Office Building Top Penthouse Guy. Did Jez see that coming? I don't know. "I last ran this adventure 6 years ago..."

Then I go "I'm going to walk through the streets dressed as the guy just to see how people react to this guy"

Ok, says Jez, and rolls d100 for our luck.

And rolls a 00. The worst thing.

We are accosted by the cat lady. She hisses "Ah, you're up early Office Guy!" and she commands her pussies swarm upon me!!! They do.

I go "Haha cats I'm not actually that guy!" and pull of the disguise and then we're like Ok, that was weird she has magic controlling cat power. But we have work to do. Anyway...

I think Jez was kind of (in retrospect) going kind of Holy fuck it's all weird in this adventure, this isn't what I expected.

We spend a lot of time, as one does, getting into the building. Elevator up to the Penthouse where is bads. Fuck then henchmen. Strange fighting with a motorcycle pyromancer in an elevator and then a claw-woman-ghost.

Now this requires use of my psychic powers to fight them which means my character loses what in Call of Cthulhu we call Sanity points which means I'm now not sane by the time we reach the top penthouse.

But then on the other hand who is the party doorkicker? I am. Doors kicked.

"Your successful Perception check lets you see there is a katana holder on the wall and the katana is missing"

Ooo.

Now at this point it's maybe...4 hours in? 3am Pacific time?

Left door.

Right door.

"Alright you!" I say, shooting the ceiling. "We killed all the people and you're next because you put hands inside of burned cats, you! HA!"

I bust open the right door and nothing and left door: bathroom, water running.

Left door....bedroom. And then we hear the Ominousest Voice from the bedroom...

"You have invaded my home..."

"Yeah we totally know and let's fight!" Into the bedroom.

And there's nobody in the room.

"The one you seek is not here..."

"No because we're looking for you and you're here"

"It was not I, it was the old woman..."

"Wait you mean the crazy cat lady?"

"Indeed, she commands the creatures"

"Well we knew that but then they're burned and with hands in them which is weird I bet you did that"

"No, this is essential to her ritual, to create the creatures"

"Oh well...I had to fight your motorcycle guy and your claw lady and you're spooky and I can't even see you so I'm just going to fuck up your place anyway because this is crazy" So then I start messing up the pillows and the magazines and stuff.

"You must go."

"Why? You're not doing anything. What is this, Architectural Digest? Fuck, how many of the same grey suit doe sone guy need...?"

Then one of the other PCs notices that my head is all red. My head's burning. Oh gotta get me out of there.

"Leave this place."

So then I go over to the bathroom and get in the shower.

"You must leave."

"Why? Oh and I am going to keep washing up in the shower."

"You must destroy the woman..."

"Why should we do what you say? Why don't you do it?" Wash wash.

"I...uh..."

"And why haven't you done it already?" (soap, conditioner) "I mean, you're a rich penthouse guy and you own a security company and have employees and a pyro motorcycle guy and a Lady Deathstrike chick working for you and the old woman lives like three blocks away and just has cats? This has been going on for weeks, right? And there was a katana missing when we got out of the elevator--what do you need a katana for? You're a fucking room."

"There are..........really good answers to all these questions but I can't remember what any of them are..."

And then we then the whole universe hit an asymptote and everything turned inside out and we all laughed and laughed those exhausted laughs that they have and I think my guy is still there, in that guy's shower, just asking him questions he can't answer and he's like stop talking and get out of my shower...forever.

This Should Clear Some Things Up

Another One Of Those DIsorganized Thought Days

-Dungeon I'm working on...
-With all games, I go: I would have to hack the living fuck out of this to make it work. If it's a fantasy game I already have this game I've hacked the fuck out of to make it work so I don't bother. As far as playing? System doesn't matter. GM matters.

-However: I find the "coolness economy" of Old School Hack (and to some degree Neoclassical Geek Revival and Marvel Heroic) (i.e. you get spendable, useful bonuses immediately for doing something deemed cool) very revealing from a philosophical point of view as opposed to the "get everyone on the same page of grit-level and let it happen" economy in more OSR designs.

-Nearly every GM kinda has a "cool points" system in their head, probably. But the reliability of it--and the desire to use it as a primary engine driving the story is a big deal in designs like Old School Hack. I know Jeff will probably go with the essential feasibility me filling the donkey with holy water to trap vampires as a plan because the plan is pretty cool but I don't assume that'll necessarily get my PC much farther than any other vampire-killing plan of equal effectiveness but less coolness. And the dungeon just keeps ticking on whether I succeed or fail. And I like that. (So yes it's true: spendable cool points open the door to less puzzley and more StoryNowish designs--whether you actually run through that door is another issue.)

-Last week I ran a D&D game in no known system for 8 players (Friendly Local Game Store). Mandy ran a AD&D20 PC, I think Satine did, too, one other guy ran a 3.5 monk sans skills, a few other people ran 4e characters (on average, 3 levels lower than the Type III characters). No grid, a few minis. Worked fine. Satine got that PC that died in I Hit It With My Axe resurrected finally.

-Litmus test. How to know a player is lame:

Player discovers Option A (with x flavor) is objectively, mechanically, more powerful than Option B (with y flavor--totally different).

+

Player chooses Option A, doesn't see why you wouldn't.

+

Player is not 12 years old

=

Suck

-The blot is an accident, the rest is pure and true:
-Hypothesis: When you roll dice, that's the system going "These are the parts of the movie where the camerawork is beautiful". It can be beautiful other times, like when the DM is talking a lot, and you can roll dice sometimes to speed through time in a montage--like on Jeff's carousing table--but, in general, when the system rolls dice that's when it gets all dramatic and you pay attention. Slow-motion or hand-held or bullet-time. Is this an action western? Or is it a drama western? Whatever you want, but the system's point of view is: it's when you roll dice. If it's the kind of system that makes you roll dice to make a decision, that's the camerawork telling you "this is a drama about agonizing decisions".

-OSR cliche: "We don't explore characters, we explore dungeons" . Not exactly. I think the idea is more: what thing do you use as rocket fuel until the campaign gets into orbit and goes where it wants to go? I use a dungeon to get there. Freak monsters and puzzle traps are the selling point--but once the campaign gets into orbit it goes where it goes. Different gamers may all end up in the same kind of campaigns but they were sold on getting into the rocket ship for the same reason.

"See your PC struggle with survivor's guilt!" Does not sell me on the trip. But I freely admit I might decide it's fun once I'm up there staring down at the world. Who know? That's the fun.

- I just realized something I do not like about storygame-ish designs (I want to call them Beardstache Games since Google + has revealed all those guys have exactly the same facial hair but that is there and not here so whateverAnyway...). Assuming my PC's alcoholism or Pride is as big an obstacle as an owlbear is cool with me. However, I do not want to be told (or decide) during CG that "you will have to confront your alcoholism" any more than I would want to be told which monster I was about to fight. I want surprises.

I want my PC's personality to be as much an undiscovered territory as the dungeon he hasn't seen yet.

I don't mean I want to be told how to play, I want to start out as however I wanna play my guy and then, over the sessions, find out what the setting does to my guy. Like Blixa is pretty much the standard amoral sneakthief but man does he turn out to love his dogs. And man does he get sentimental when they die...

Change will be slow, optional, and totally open. Basically: me being bored with the one-dimensionality of my character is the only engine of change for that character I'm cool with that. Also means I can play with any number of other people who can come and go out of the campaign without forcing everyone to have a story-arc-moment at the right time.

-DIY D&D defaults of: long-term-campaign play and friendly (not convention) play are probably pretty big factors here.

Hey Have You Guys Seen Blogspot's New "Batmanalytic" Feature?

...it's pretty cool.

You plug it in and blogger analyzes your blog's readership in Batmanological terms:

A Vital D&DoLogical Question

Oh I am wearied by this malcontent and warmongering.

Let us now discuss a more important issue, and one which doth affect us all, here in lands where D&D is played.

Jake or Finn?

Leave your vote and (vitally) the reasons for it in the comments.

As usual, rigor is requested and error will be destroyed without prejudice or mercy.

No, Seriously, WOTC Totally Did Hire Me To Work On 5E

So you know how yesterday I posted that April Fool's joke about how WOTC hired me to work on Type V D&D?

It wasn't a joke.

They really did.

All the stuff I said yesterday is completely true--including the bit about how the nerdrage-provoking sucknesses the web keeps telling me are in 5e doesn't seem to be in any of the stuff they've sent.

I hasten to add that nothing in my contract obliges them to listen to me so, y'know, don't blame me if it turns out the resolution's all done on a d9 and the only viable class/race combo is owlbear monk.

Anyway, should be a pip.

Now back to work.

So WOTC's Hired Me To Work On 5th Edition

Yep.

Monte Cook reads the blog, Mike Mearls reads the blog, I suppose it was only a matter of time.

So they send me things and I make my computer read them to me while I paint and then I write an email back telling them what I think and how I would've done it and they make me sign stuff and I then I get a check.

Obviously there's this nondisclosure agreement but I can probably say this: half the stuff The Internet thinks is in 5E is stuff the Internet made up. But, y'know, to be expected.

Hellllo Marilith.

___

EDIT: Yes, this was posted April 1st. Still not a joke though.