Retropost Sunday: D10 Seasonal Modules Someone Should Write

Roll d10

1 Fuck This Sugarplum Palace

2 Unlimited Access To Every Single House With A Chimney And At Least One Christian Inhabitant For One Night Only

3 The Rat King Was Right The Nutcracker Is A Devouring Menace

4. Biscuits, Ice And New Machines

5 Toyhammer of the Weasel Elves

6 The Bishop of Turkey and His Six To Eight Slaves

7 Inside The Turkey Is A Duck And Inside That Is A Chicken And Inside The Chicken Is The Entrance

8 Your Grandmother's House Is Basically Wolf-Themed

9 The Reward For Your Year Of Sloth And Sin Is This Reeking Anthracite

10 Black Metal Frost Giants Of The Hatemountain Demand Toys
-
-
-

How To Win A Fight In Apocalypse World

art by me

The bulbfly, crept around the inner circumference of the wallglobe, its glowing, deformed gut casting jagged shadows past its legs and abdomen over the bed and Char’s (1)  face, which was kind or pretty but not both (2).

“Fuck my tits, Vonk the Sculptor (3).”

“Oh Char,” said Vonk the Sculptor, “Oh Char oh Char oh Char,” he shifted in the afternoon haze, “Would that I could jizz massively and wild on those stout twin beige hillocks, yet I cannot.”

“Don’t you…” she pulled at her knees on the chaotic bed, arranged her compact or sturdy but not both body against the splayed gingham and neoprene “…don’t you…want to?”

“I do, but…it’s fucking complicated.”

Uncoiling, she took a weary drag on a vape patched with green gaffer’s tape “Try me.”

“Tomorrow approacheth the fearful Juck, harshly astride his Yamaha and trailed by his loathsome biking gang. There will be conflict.”

“I know,” she slid over, wrapped him in the medical patchwork of her long arms “We can take them, Vonk the Sculptor, it’ll be ok.”

“It’s not that,” he said, “it’s…well you know how every time we have sex you get +1 to your next roll? (4) ”

"Of course,” she blinked her quick-or-hard-but-not-both eyes “Why do you think I do it? There’s a gang of mutant bikers coming tomorrow to kill us all, I need a +1 going forward. You told me that's why gunluggers always have to fuck everyone in the camp before a fight. Or at least that's what they always say when they're,” she narrowed or hardened her eyes "walking out the door."

"No, it's....see...” Vonk the Sculptor drank deep from a cracking Astro-Boy mug seething with Iron Bru and precontamination scotch “when tomorrow happens—when the radbaked tiles of the hardhold are awash in biking blood—you may need my help.”

“I know,” said Char “I accept that.”

“Yes, but…in order to help you I will need to roll+Hx (5). That is: the stat that records how much History we have.”

“That’s fine. That’s the way things go in this Apocalypsed World. I’ve made my peace with it,” a gecko crawled through the bent nest of black cables meshing the weathered floor  “we all have.”

“But here’s the thing, Char. I already have max Hx with you—+3. If I shoot a load on your tits tonight it will reset to +1, and I’ll be that much less able to help.”

“Fuck,” said Char.

“I know, right?” said Vonk the Sculptor.

“Wait,” said Char “does tit-fucking count as sex?”

“I mean: it says ‘fucking’ in the name. And the rule says ‘If you and another character have sex, your Hx with them on your sheet goes immediately to +3, and they immediately get +1 to their Hx with you on their sheet. If that brings their Hx with you to +4, they reset it to +1 instead’.”

“Ok, but listen,” Char’s eyes went wide (but not bright because they were already quick or hard) “What if you do my tits but then—wait for it—I suck you off—oral sex, then you assfuck me. Then, yeah, your Hx resets to +1 but then it goes back up to +2, and then +3!”

“Well that’s kind of a normal day. But is that having sex three times or once?”

“Well if you’re worried we can just stop for a few minutes and watch an episode of Butt Thesis in between. That’s definitely three distinct times we had sex, then.”

“Oh, whoa. How come we didn’t think of having sex three times earlier? Why would anyone just have sex once?”

“Or any non-multiple-of-three amount of times?”

“Hey, wait. Every time my Hx resets I get more xp.”

“Oh shit.”

“Right! So we can just have sex a lot tonight and….”

“Yeah—I mean you said you were going to spend a few hours setting up caltrops and trenches and oil pits you could set on fire, but if you can just eat my pussy, then stop and have a snack, then start eating it again..what is that? 135 more times and…”

“I’ll have my stats completely maxed out before morning…”

“Wait, do I have to cum each time? ‘cause that could get…”

“There is no mention of orgasm in the rules.”

“Who wrote this game?”
-
-
Footnotes:

(1) Angel Name Options, Apocalypse World, Pg 20:

Dou, Bon, Abe, Boo, T, Kal, Bai, Char, Jav, Ruth, Wei, Jay, Nee, Kim, Lan, Di, or Dez.
Doc, Core, Wheels, Buzz, Key, Gabe, Biz, Bish, Line, Inch, Grip, or Setter.

(2) Angel Appearance options, Apocalypse World, Pg 21:

Kind face, strong face, rugged face, haggard face, pretty face, or lively face.

Quick eyes, hard eyes, caring eyes, bright eyes, laughing eyes, or clear eyes.

Compact body, stout body, spare body, big body, rangy body, or sturdy body.

(3) Gunlugger Name Options, Apocalypse World, Pg 51

Vonk the Sculptor, Batty, Jonker, A.T., Rue Wakeman, Navarre, Man, Kartak, Barbarossa, Keeler, Grekkor, Crille, Doom, or Chaplain.
Rex, Fido, Spot, Boxer, Doberman, Trey, Killer, Butch, Fi , Flu y, Duke, Wolf, Rover, Max, or Buddy.

(4) Gunlugger Sex Move, Apocalypse World, Pg 54

If you and another character have sex, you take +1 forward. At your option, they take +1 forward too.

(5) HELP OR INTERFERE, Apocalypse World, Pg 88

When you help or interfere with someone who’s making a roll, roll+Hx. On a hit, they take +1 (help) or -2 (interfere) now. 

-
-
-

Those Who Are Obscene

DEMONS OF THE NINTH ORDER—Those Who Are Obscene

I'll do a real one later

These demons, also called Gamaliel, Obscene Ones, and divided into the succubus (female) and the incubus (male) are capable of assuming an impossibly attractive appearance and seek thereby to tempt humans, and thereby spawn half-demonic children tainted by dishonest congress.

In order to attract a succubus or incubus, a human must be willing and the prospect of intercourse must involve the mortal in a lie or broken promise. As the act progresses the creature becomes ever more monstrous. The true and final form of a succubus is a horned woman 15’ tall, its many bellies awrithe with polluted offspring, the true form of the incubus is a curled and clutching abomination with skin like an eel.

Their true names have nine letters—such as Onivistin. A succubus can only be summoned to a place on days when the number of births in that place is precisely nine times the number of murders, an incubus can only be summoned when nine genuine accidents have resulted in nine deaths of nine lovers in nine days. The summoning involves nine atrocities, nine virgins and nine weapons—one of mercury dedicated to the first planet, one of copper dedicated to the second planet, one of graphite dedicated to the third planet, one of iron dedicated to the fourth planet, one of tin dedicated to the fifth planet, one of lead dedicated to the sixth planet, one of lapis lazuli dedicated to the seventh planet, one of aquamarine dedicated to the eighth planet, and one of ice that melts as it is used dedicated to the planet that is not a planet.


Calm: 9
Agility: 4
Toughness: 9
Perception: 6
Appeal: 9
Cash: 5
Knowledge: 6

Calm Check: 9
Cards: Lovers (6), Nine of Swords

Special abilities:

Demonic: Demons don’t need to breathe or digest, don’t age, and are immune to poison, etc. and cannot be mentally controlled with psionic abilities. Animals will avoid the demon in any form. Technological contrivances like firearms and explosives can hurt but never kill these demons—they must be manually decapitated, have their hearts cut out, or be dealt with by magic.

Sixth Sense: All demons are supersensitive to danger, hostile emotions and signs of past trauma or the supernatural.

Shapeshift: These demons can appear to be ordinary humans, though always with a missing finger.

Emerge from the Darkness: If unwitnessed, Gamaliel may step into any shadow in the city where they are summoned and reappear through any other in the same city.

Corrupt Eye: A single look from one of these demons will cause a pregnant woman to give birth to nine children in total over nine years. Each will despise the others. If she has more than nine already, the others will die—if she has nine precisely, she will serve the demon for nine years.


Weaknesses:

The holy symbols of any faith causes a demon to make a Calm check or flee until they are out of sight. The intensity of the calm check is equal to the degree of fervor of whoever is wielding it (1-9). In the case of an incidentally encountered symbol (a glimpsed church steeple, for instance) the intensity is 2.

Touching a holy symbol, including holy water, does damage to a demon as an ordinary physical attack.

Speaking the true name of demon causes it great pain, and the creature must make a Calm Check against the speaker’s Calm each round to avoid obeying the attacker.

Those Who Are Obscene are always missing a finger in any form.
-
-
-

The Toy Museum

Really,  you wonder, how haunted can a doll be?

Very haunted, it turns out.

This is not a bunch of random internet photos--these are all from the same place, the Pollock Toy Museum in London, where I just was at.

In the guidebook inexplicably has a "recommended for children" beanie next to it but that is wrong and insane and, bonus, it is always deserted.

You give the Hermione at the counter your 12 pounds and then go in through a musty red door like it was an episode of Outer Limits.

"Oh would you like to see the toy museum????"

That's normal and not at all something from an anime where a little girls gets folded up like an origami and mailed to hell

The idea of these is really apparently that you drop the doll in the river and it washes away bad luck 

These aren't aliens.

Top Middle is totally not made of pig grease and betrayal

That is what a reasonable person does.

Not at all the queen of any damned

This bell jar was not created in 1903 by theosophists and does not have ectoplasmic containment properties

Mr Stripes is a delightful cycling cat and not going anywhere bad on his Omen/Saw trike

This is totally not the corner where bad children go

Why does this museum exist?

Left horse is totally not Linda Blair

The plasmic ghoul from the Medusa House in Vornheim is not sitting at that back table

Ha, he has fallen, it is comical

Mother what is in the chest mother?

YET NO OTHER MUSEUM WANTED ERIC DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHY?

Totally not a cannibal child

Ah, a charming souvenir

Oh hey the devil

Fuck.

It's Definitely A Pattern

So:

It happened again--yet another performatively woke RPGnet dude who dogpiled onto a harassment campaign against us has been, well, take a look...

There's nothing new to say. Just the usual "I told you so".

Again.

Obviously, this is tedious but its not good ignore something like this simply because people want to keep their blogs interesting--it's a pretty shitty excuse for supporting silence about abuse.

Previously in these chronicles:

Yep.

Yep.
-
-
-

Why LotFP Is The Best Game to Play With Strangers

The logic:

1. Game system is always less important than who you play with.

2. Dungeons & Dragons is the most widely-played RPG.

3. Anyone who likes any edition of D&D should be able to understand all they need to know to play Lamentations of the Flame Princess (or any other retroclone or old-school game) in minutes and will be within a stone's throw of a premise and theme that they've already signed on to.

4. Due to the art and marketing, LotFP offends more boring people than any other game.

5. LotFP offends no interesting people.

6. Therefore if you sit down to a table with people who've agreed to play LotFP, you have screened out a larger percentage of boring people than you have by choosing any other game while still drawing players from a diverse pool due to the bar for entry--mechanically and thematically--being extremely low.

QED

-

-

-

Theft and Other Demon City Notes

Demon City's Downtime system is basically a re-tool of Jeff's Party Like It's 999.

The money system is basically from FASERIP

Contacts are a combo of FASERIP's Jeff Grubb's Genius Subplot Rule and the way they work in Night's Black Agents.

Combat is 5e's advantage/disadvantage on steroids. I think Jeff may have suggested something along one of these lines once.

The Tarot thing are relatively out of nowhere I think.

Motives instead of classes is more like Vampire than anything else I can think of that I read, but still pretty much out of nowhere.

Calm is obviously like Call of Cthulhu Sanity and probably nobody would want it any other way, though I hope Downtime puts a new spin on it.

Most of the feedback has been too good to be useful. Just a lot of "I like the__! and the__!" which is nice but the sample is kind of self-selected--they're backing it so they're getting what they want. If anybody reading has anything they just thought of, hit me with it.

I'm curious about how long-term play will work. In sunday's D&D game, we thought Agnes Steelheart was just fucking dead the other day until shenanigans restored her and it was clear it hurt. I want to figure out if the stack of rewards and interrelationships Demon City creates will eventually make that happen with a PC that's around long enough, or if you just basically have to choose between horror and that level of attachment.
-
-
-