Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Gigadungeon and Other Notes on the WotC Interview
-Gigadungeon--the whole planet is a dungeon--My original notes were toward an even more complicated project: a dungeon the size of the universe. Actually, more of a dungeon instead of the universe:
Earth's cities grow.
Imagine they do not stop growing. Imagine an urbanized Earth, bulding by building building upon building built on mountaintops, K2, Everest, urbanized, with traffic, the frozen antarctic dense with pannelled bunkers, canyons filled and then so filled and all around filled so full that the canyon is only a vaguely-understood concept about what is underneath what we know--like the planet's mantle, crust and core, underneath the buildings is rock--what is rock? No-one remembers.
The rusting spires with a geology of their own--forgotten conduits leading to forgotten fuse boxes feeding old bulbs the fields of architecture and archaelology mesh. Skyscrapers marching over cliffs like tin soldiers, down into the sea under perspex domes and stainless walls and then growing there, and then up and out of it again. 80% of the vast city-planet has quaint, polluted venetian canals connecting the lowest levels, sixty storeys beneath where most people live. It grew.
The Gigastructure became the only place. An extending great place that took up all of space, almost all of space, all of space except where there were planets, or suns, or class-12 Massive Supraplantary Organisms.
Like this: There is a planet, then cities on it, then the cities grow larger and they do not stop. The whole planet is urbanized. Then the planet's nearest moon is urbanized, then the buildings on the planet and the moon grow taller and mesh upward and more labyrinthine until they connect in a woven spire of exotic steels and nation-sized gravity-mollifying mechanisms, the moon no longer in orbit, merely fixed to its mother by an inhabited corridor.
Then again with each nearby planet, moon, space station, to the Dyson shell of energy-absorbing machines smothering the sun, then all these spaces connected, and then all of the space in between, too, in every direction into a solid block the size and shape of the universe with all astronomical bodies entombed within it and all animals, monsters, cultures, phenomena linked into a monolithic skyless maze-city of panelled chambers, tubes, hallways, transoms, shafts, glass-walled terraces looking out into dark, long vertical gaps between barely-inhabited sideways, opposing cities, each forming the roof of the other, the spires interlocking like sharp teeth, wells, fusion engine-trams, endless escalators lined with concession stands, crawlspaces, staircases, niches, branching zero-gravity capillary tunnels, and with all known archtectures represented somewhere and integrated into the dizzying entirety.
And then it aged and got old and forgotten and dungeonized--so there's no space in space--just a big sci-fi dungeoncrawl in every direction forever.
-The pictures--I am guessing that's the only Medusa picture they had on hand--I suppose they weren't going to use that. (Warning: About as not-safe for work as a drawing can get)(Once in a while I gotta earn that "content warning".) It's interesting to note that their medusa is definitely a "medusa-as-playable-PC-race" type picture.
The flail snail is, as always, appreciated. Simon Tilbrook and Alan Hunter--we owe you so much.
-WotC contacted me independently about doing the interview, but if I had to guess I suspect the "I Hit It With My Axe" producers probably had a hand in tipping WotC off.
-Just got this from what appears to be a Christian gamer:
I've heard about your blog on various places before and had preformed a very negative opinion. I popped on over after seeing the Wizards interview, and frankly, its actually a great D&D blog, better written than most, and a nice variety of topics. I don't think I'll be a regular reader, as most of your views run counter to my own, I definitely think you are a gifted writer, a great DM, and your blogs bad reputation in some circles is total crap...[etc.]
So, that's nice. Though I will note that these "circles" do need to be rooted out and destroyed.
-They not only left the reference to Death Frost Doom in, they linked to it. If I'd known I would've mentioned the late AGP's 100 Street Vendors of the City State. And every other DIY D&D product I could think of.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Expanding The Pantheon, One Bad Joke At A Time

People often find religion after traumatic experiences. Especially in D&D--to wit:
3/4 of the party died yesterday.
Steve: "I'll be a cleric this time so we can have some healing."
Me: "Ok, who's your god?"
Steve: "Can my god be Captain Beefheart?"
Me: "Sure."
So now I gotta figure that out.
The "Say Why not? and then ask why" method for deifacture hereby kicks in:
I figure Captain Beefheart sounds like some berk diminutive for a god's name, like "Jizzy Chrizzy". What the local drunk-Catholic-equivalents would call him.
And Beefheart, in said context, makes me think of one of the villains in Ivanhoe--Front-De-Boeuf-which means either "Beef Head" or "Bull's Head", depending on how you look at it.
("Couer-De-Bouef"--heart-of-beef--is a kind of tomato, also known as a "custard apple" so that's a bit of a dead-end, metaphysically speaking.)
"Bull's head" works perfectly, of course.
Thinking about Bull Gods, and William Gaddis, I remember Mithras--"I shall sacrifice to his mace, well aimed against the skulls of the Daevas". Well if he's not a god just waiting to play D&D, then who is?In addition to cattle, Mithras is a god of the harvest (who isn't?), and contracts.
So I figure: Minotaur god, cult expanded northward from the middle-east, Clerics having mysterious powers and taboos concerning covenants and oaths, spells concerning truth, lie detection, et al. My work here is done.
Oh, he needs a local name--Gor.
Theogony is tough work.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Death of Lady Smashalot And Why I Don't Have A Castle-Wall-Density Calculation Table
Me: Am I? Let's review...
Connie falls into a pit.
Lady Smashalot over here stays at the edge of the pit and begins a conversation with a Non-Player Character who says "What happened there?"
Lady Smashalot flies into a rage and decides to attack him for some reason.
KK: He was a hippie.*
Me: Fair enough, still, you decided to attack him, you chase him down--into a room full of people he's friendly with--and stab him, and he vomits up a hydra.
Then you ran away from the hydra, then you turned around, ran back and attacked it. Then it ate you.
So, none of that had to happen. I hadn't planned any of that, all that happened because you decided you had to kill a hippie.
Mandy: I was trying to distract it.
KK: How was I supposed to know he would vomit up a hydra?
Zak: Well, you got here by going into a place full of people that vomited random monsters.
KK: Oh, right.
_____________________
I like my players, and we have fun.
However, I know the way we roll isn't the only way.
I look over at Tao's blog and I find the clockwork world there impressive and inspiring.
Alexis goes in for a lovingly simulated world, where the price of ox feathers in Novgorod is what the price of ox feathers in Novgorod should really be, assuming everything else is the way it is. And there actually is a Novgorod. And there's no ox feathers 'cause oxen don't have feathers.
Some people think these kind of simulatory rules are just there for their own sake, but that's not entirely true--part of the fun of having a world that really makes sense is that if the PCs do things that they'd normally do, then they generate their own plots merely by doing them. And they can plan reasonable tactics because they know the world operates on real-world-like rules.
If the world is simulated enough, then if the PCs, say, build a castle, then paying attention to where they build it might actually matter, in terms of what trade, political consequences, and monster infestations they can expect. And they don't have to worry about game mechanics--if the world's simulatory in the right way, they just need to worry about what would make sense.
I, myself, like that idea. It allows you to play the game on more levels simultaneously--I could kill the orc to get the gold, but if I don't wear a disguise the orcs may start to realize I'm just this guy who's been robbing orc temples for about sixteen months now and I might get a reputation and they might come after me in the comfort of the bed I sleep in where I don't wear armor because if I did I'd wake up with severe back pain and so I'd better hire some bodyguards, but which bodyguards? None of them seem very trustworthy since... Actions have consequences, cause has effect, a story can begin to write itself.
As the death of Lady Smashalot (and Palomedes, and Ilona the Illusionist) demonstrates, not all my players are necessarily the kind of players who would appreciate the behind-the-curtain tinkering that's necessary to create this kind of world. So the world's logic is pulpish at one end, nightmarish on the other, and fairy-talish in the middle.
And, honestly, I don't mind. Every party needs its Pippins. But if occasionally the PCs burn down a town and no-one notices, or the vengeful tree sprites seem weirdly arbitrary about which trees they protect, it's because half the players around here wouldn't notice if I did it any other way.
Yet.
__________
*He was an anesthetized vomiter. Vomiters, being constantly ill, speak in dazed, distracted voices.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Devils
As I explained yesterday, most of what the Monster Manuals give you, in terms of imaginative fuel with the Demons and Devils, is the pictures.In later years, mythology accreted around these guys, but it didn't really seem to "take" in the way that it did in other games--probably because it wasn't there from the beginning--at least not for people I know.
So in visiting the Devils in this here monster-by-monster review of D&D, we are mostly visiting their pictures.
Anyway...
AsmodeusNow here is a man of wealth and taste. A man of wealth and taste from the '70s. The sideburns, medallion and Op Art dickey pretty much tell you all you need to know about this creature's preferred tactics. Here is Satan as Tempter, as opposed to Orcus' Satan as Metallest Possible Guy.
I can actually imagine, one day, the PCs strapping on their winged boots and pulling out their +18 lightning knives and girding their loins and actually marching forth to do fierce battle unto Orcus, but the idea of actually fighting Asmodeus just seems stupid. "He is physically stronger than any other devil (as strong as a storm giant)" yeah, I bet he says that to all the girls, right before he doses them with brown acid.
It will surprise absolutely no-one to hear that Playing D&D With Porn Stars has a soft spot for '70s Satanism, so Asmodeus is just fine by me.Since he had the most hit points, in later editions, they made him all red and shiny and decided he just looked like The Devil, which seems like kind of a shame.
BeelzebulI remember this review of the Dario Argento movie Suspiria that said something like "This movie is like what you thought horror movies were like when you were too young to get in to see them."
Beelzebul's picture reminds me of the cover of some '60s Penguin Sci-Fi novel that you'd pick up and imagine as being intensely fucked and mindbending and then it'd turn out to be about some guy on a space ship with a love interest.
I imagine Beelzebul's realm as a cruel David Hargrave/Early Monster Magnet skriekrealm of green glass windows and hallways that curve like the wrinkles in you brain and echoes that walk like men.
Later editions totally abandoned this "symmeterical freak in bug hat" look for Beelzebul, but did apparently keep "The most disturbing thing you can come up with before the Fed Ex deadline on Friday" as the artist's brief for designing him so I'm good with that. There's room for translucent slug-lords on the ceiling of my psychedelic nightmare palace.


Barbed Devil
You know these guys--they wallow in flame and mock you as you suffer. Even Hell needs scenery, and since it's D&D, the scenery needs stats.
Bone Devil
You want to put a scorpion tail on a skeleton and call it a devil? Fine. Clearly I'm in a generous mood today. I'd use one of these in a game, no problem. "I turn it" "No you don't".
The giant fish hook, though? Really?
Chain Devil
Debuting in D&D 2.0, these guys look like mummies only with chains instead of bandages. A little more Hellraisery than the original Monster Manual devils, but I like them ok. And the girls pretty much like anything with S&M overtones. So, yeah, maybe I'll try to kill them with a chain devil at some point.
Dispater
Does Asmodeus, Lord of The Nine Hells really need to be scalable? Dispater is useless.
Erinyes
The furies--not unlike the succubi--are really a whole adventure seed implied in a monster. Break an oath, commit a foul deed, and hence they come--to ensnare and to slay. Rock.
Geryon
The original Greek Geryon had one head attached to three bodies, so if you wanted to make a Geryon that wasn't boring that's where I'd start.
GlasyaThe only interesting devil to appear in Monster Manual 2. Despite her problematic nose and even without the "69 hit points", it's not hard to figure out the point of Glasya. You can check that Jungian archtype off the list, guys.
Horned Devil
Pit fiend lite. Snore. Are we at the dinosaurs yet?
Ice Devil
Creepy polar insect-men are go! I can see them very clearly, emerging out of a blizzard in a godforsaken landmarkless land, yellow eyes gleaming unnaturally against the slate-grey sky, their alien faces squirming with inscrutable hunger. (Also, they just made me remember I like the Chasme, or Demon Fly--which should've been in yesterdy's entry.)30 years later they're still using basically the original design. I'm guessing Trampier doesn't get royalties.
Lemure
Lemures can become wraiths or spectres whereas Manes can turn into shadows or ghosts. Got it? There must be some German compound word for "an idea which is identical to some other idea only there were two different words for it so Gary Gygax conveniently used the concept of 'alignment' to separate them and make the Monster Manual twice as long". Kervonschtensynonymschplittenkonzept or something.
Pit Fiend
By this time in the Monster Manual, you've already read through Balor, Barbed and
Malebranche and then you get to Pit Fiend and you're like, ok, I get it: horns, tails, pointy things, they are Fiends from the Pit. Interesting tidbit however--cover up the upper half of the Pit Fiend picture and there's a whole other monster there.____________
I don't have all the image credits but the pictures all came from here.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Demons
Oh, the D's...Here I am, trying to talk about all the monsters in alphabetical order. It was going so smoothly A was cake, B too, C got a little weird, but now D is just tanking the calm and symmetry of the project altogether.
The way this thing was supposed to work is I go through each monster one-by-one and say something useful about how I'd DM that monster in a game or, failing that, make jokes about it. Now, I like jokes as much as the next guy (and I probably like my jokes even more than the next guy) but if the only thing I did here was make fun of D&D monsters, well--there's whole other, way funnier, sites that do that already. So I feel like it's best to have at least the possibility of the specter of some vaguely useful or at least interesting DM-ish observations going on here.
Which brings me to the D's...
Ok, so, most of the Monster Manual's "D" section is devoted to the iconic terrors of the game--Demons, Devils, and Dragons--plus Dinosaurs, for which Gygax had the same tactically-detailed love which he otherwise reserved only for polearms.
The problem for me here is that the interesting thing about most of these monsters is what the Monster Manual (and its many successors) don't say about the various fierce entities involved.
What in fuck am I talking about? Ok:
Let's take the Demons and the Devils...
First off, what's the difference? In D&D terms, the Demons are Chaotic Evil and the Devils are Lawful Evil. I'm not real big on alignment so I don't really care. The arch-devils tend to look like horned people and the demon princes tend to look like monsters. The rest of the differences are just mechanics and salad dressing. Gary liked synonyms and used them to make more monsters--that's why a spectre and a ghost are two different things.
ANYWAY...
The idea of demons (and devils) in the primeval mind is interesting, and the idea that they have hierarchies is interesting, and the idea that their realm is a chaotic and primordial one where they war with each other despite these hierarchies is interesting, and the idea of demons having worshippers just like gods is interesting and the idea of them being summoned and told what to do against their will is interesting and the idea of like Cthuloid demons being something different altogether is interesting, and Carcosian ritual magic is interesting, and demons being tempters and metaphors for human weakness is interesting, and the idea of hell being a place you can actually walk around in is interesting and yet most of these things aren't dealt with in too terribly much detail in D&D--and when it is (mostly in later editions), most DMs don't read it and basically make up their own evil demon and devil stuff anyway.
As far as telling players what Those Who Dwell Below In Shadow are really about and making it stick in players' minds--later games totally kick D&D's ass (Warhammer and Call of Cthulhu being the most obvious examples).
In D&D, I would feel perfectly ok changing Yeenoghu so that his flail no longer causes "confusion" and change the part about him being in charge of both gnolls and ghouls. But in Warhammer, changing Nurgle so he wasn't the Lord of Disease would seem pointless. Nurgle is a more robust fictional construct than Yeenoghu, for whatever reason. D&D demons are for people who basically want to make up their own demon and say it's a fat goat-guy and call it Orcus. Which, being a DIY D&Der, I am ok with--there's something to be said against Brandifying the demons--but it makes the actual monsters-as-presented seem a little dry:
What any given D&D demon/devil/lower-planecreature entry mostly provides is a set of powerful but largely interchangeable stats (the demons rarely have powers unique to themselves), a cloud of spells they can cast (half of which are utility stuff like read languages so they don't end up looking stupid in front of the PCs), a table for what other demons or devils they can summon, a short physical description, and a picture somewhere along the spectrum from megalame (Type VI) to intriguingly creepy (Baalzebul).
In other words, mostly what really defines one D&D demon or devil as distinct fictional constructs is just the picture. So I'm going to do a lot of talking talk about the pictures...
Demogorgon
One thing that strikes you reading the descriptions of the demon princes is that Gary definitely expected you to fight them sooner or later. There's a little bit of description and musings on the hirearchy of the abyss but mostly there's a list of things Demogorgon will do if you try to hit him. Considering the oft-remarked difficulty of getting to high levels in original D&D I feel like there was sort of a dare or cruel joke worked into the Monster Manual. You could go fight some orcs and bugbears and maybe kill a dinosaur but Demogorgon was still there howling into the ether and just waiting around in the 666th layer of the abyss for you to learn to play the game right.
Outside stats, the little we do get of Demogorgon is pretty tasty--the name dates back to the following note scribbled in the margin of an obscure medieval text by an unknown scholar in the fourth century "He is speaking of the Demogorgon, the supreme god', or 'He is speaking of a god, the supreme Demogorgon"--which sounds like something out of Legend of the Overfiend. Gary decided he was a reptilian guy with two blue-and-red mandril heads and tentacle arms and we're all real used to that, but, really, that is pretty fucked.
![]() |
| Drawing by me |
Jubilex
The cult of Jubilex is extremely fun to try to imagine. "Who do you serve?" "Some goo." "Goo?" "Yeah, well, with eyes." "Goo with eyes?" "Goo that's 'striated in disgusting blackish greens, foul browns and yellows, and sickly translucent grays and ambers'" The usual idea with demons and devils is that they tempt you with something and appeal to your base desires. You kinda have to stretch to figure out what goo with eyes would tempt you with. The Cthulhu people really have nothing on the the Jubilex people when it comes to total fucking batshit. With their sacred black pudding jars and ochre-jelly-rubbing rituals... None of that's in the book of course.
Manes
Phonologically identical to "mayonnaise".
Orcus
Here's 99% of what I feel I need to know about Orcus:
So: like Baphomet, only fat. A goat-and-human-sacrifice type Satan rather than a charming and tempting type Satan. Metal. All I have to add is he's 3 feet shorter than his nemesis, Demogorgon. A sixth shorter. In human terms that's like a foot, it must be embarrassing. No wonder he's always going on about his wand.Succubus
There isn't a lot to say about the Succubus that hasn't already been said, though I will give you a brand new monster:
Fat Succubus
The Fat Succubus is in all ways identical to the Common Succubus (q.v.) only fat. Some have underwear from the future.
Anyway...
Type I
Loser.
Type II
Loser.
Type III
Loser.
Type IV
Even worse. While Types one through three at least look like some sort of shrieking, petty horrors from the lower depths, Type IV looks like some guy you keep seeing every time you go to the bowling alley yet who you never see bowling.
My best guess for Types I-IV is someone at TSR got ahold of some H/O scale wildlife and a glue gun and threw some stuff together and said "What should we make this, a sickle-dog?" And somebody else said "It can be a demon." "But I thought those things were demons?" "Well this is just the type III demon then."
Type V
The Marilith is an absolutely peachy monster.
Even if the Marilith picture is kind of crappy and the Succubus is obviously traced you already know what a pretty girl is supposed to look like so you get the idea. I look at a Type II and I seriously have no idea what this thing is supposed to be. Or what I would do with it in a story or a dungeon that I wouldn't do with the guy right under it.
Poll--anyone out there ever been inspired by the Vrock, Hezrou, or Glabrezu?
Type VI
This was the demon that was supposed to be like a Demon, horns, tail, whole nine yards. The Pit fiend has a better name and a better picture, but it's basically the same thing.
Yeenoghu
"His head is that of a hyena, his chest is canine in form, his hands are paw-like, and his feet are pawed. Yeenoghu is thin to the point of being skeletal, and his only body hair is a mangy crest of putrid yellow from his head to his mid-back. Yeenoghu’s skin is a dead gray in color, and it is smooth. His eyes are lambent amber and large."
And next to it there's a picture of a homophobic poodle crudely attempting to mock a passing Gay Pride parade.
Some later illustrators did eventually manage to do a better job with gnolls. There is something sinister about the way hyenas hunch and grin.
But still: he's a big gnoll, lord of the gnolls. He has a flail, but other than that--not much to go on.
You think--Well why not just do that with everybody? A big bugbear, lord of all bugbears, a big giraffe, lord of all giraffes, a big beaver...
Which is what people did. Could've worked out worse, I suppose.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Like Playing Monopoly With Squatters
Or, IronyI used to live on 5th and B in the East Village, next door to the (now-demolished) 5th street squat.
The squatters' place was bigger than mine, so we hung out there. We played games--darts, 4-square, Monopoly.
"You like Monopoly?"
"Monopoly? I like it ok," I say
"I mean part of it is the irony value y'know? Squatters playing Monopoly."
And then we played Monopoly, and it was fun. And it was extra fun because half of us playing were squatters. So you're a squatter, a thimble, and a real-estate investor. This is semiotically complex. And funny.
Like how KK is a porn actress, and Maude Lebowski, and an opera valkyrie, and a couple of barbarians.
Ok--wait--I'm not gonna use the word "irony" since where I come from it has bad associations with people who wear skinny jeans and listen to music created by white cismen with no testicles. I'm gonna say "distance". The question is the amount of "distance" you usually have from events in the game. I'm not talking about hipster-wolf-mountain-range-t-shirt-irony. I mean the degree to which--no matter how much you like the events in-game aesthetically--you resist totally "immersing" in your character or the story events.
One thing that falls outside the usual discussions of gaming style is the amount of distance any given group or player has towards the game in question--which I think is a shame because I think a giant part of the fun is the distance and, one way or another, I feel like the design of, say, Vampire, D&D-as-marketed-to-adults, D&D-as-marketed-to-kids, Rifts, and Dogs In the Vineyard all imply different levels of distance. Or, perhaps more accurately, the way they're talked about implies different levels of distance.
So...
The way I see it, there are a few basic places where fun comes from in an RPG:
-There's hanging out with your friends--who I hope are creative, hilarious, and interesting people. This is fun but it can be done without the RPG.
-The second thing is telling a story collaboratively. The story-providing duties get divided up in different ways between players, GM, and publisher (if published setting stuff is being used), but the point is the transcript of play will be a story that everybody at the table had at least some input into. This also is fun and also could be done without the RPG. You could just write a story about some medieval people or space people or whatever, email it around for a few weeks or months and then you'd have a story.
-The third thing you're doing is "playing a game" in a more traditional pre-simulatory-wargame, pre-rpg sense--that is, trying to succeed in some arbitrary challenge involving some mix of chance and/or skill, whether that be killing monsters or just turning the plot of the story the way you want it to turn. Like the other two funs, this fun can be done without the RPG--if you play a video game at home by yourself you can have this kind of fun.
-A fourth place fun comes from is the distance between the three sources of fun. And this fun can only be had with a tabletop RPG (or PBEM or other electronic variants).
This fourth place, I suggest, is where a very big proportion of the fun comes from:
Your friend's chihuahua just won first prize in the well-trained-chihuahua-contest but in the game his Cleric can't hit anything to save his life.
And you say "Look at you, Freddie you're a mess."
And Freddie looks down at the chihahua and says to it: "I know, I know. Odin is punishing us for our hubris."
Or say you're a bartender wearing a shirt that says "I'm with stupid" and you're also saying in a wizard voice "It was the height of youthful folly to engage me in such a manner, young Paladin." And then the Paladin says "Whatever" and throws a nacho at you. This is playing the game. The players are something, the rules are something, and the story is something and they clash and don't make any kind of Classical drama and it's all postmodern and shit.
This is--for every player I've seen, and for every player I've heard in an actual-play recording--the typical mode. A racing back and forth between the story-identity and the human identity, plus the drama of simply trying to get shit done against some rules. There are very probably people who don't roll like this, (and some of them are probably reading this) but I have absolutely no first-hand experience of watching or hearing them play.
In this way, you get to have your cake and eat it, too. You get both Lord of the Rings and the Mystery Science Theatering of the Lord of the Rings. In this way, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts--it's not just hanging out with your friends plus an adventure story plus the challenge of a game--it's also and largely that fourth thing that only happens when all of them happen together.
I don't think the Distance affects the ability of the game events to be genuinely interesting. Kimberly's character is called Lady Smashalot. That doesn't stop her from getting scared when her character fucks up or getting worried when she doesn't know what to do or being engaged enough in the weird things happening in the game world to find them interesting as a fiction.
In my experience, (that is--in my experience. In my own personal experience. In the experiences that I myself have personally had) the more tension you can create around the distance between the universe of the game world and the universe of the people sitting around the table playing the game eating double-stuff Oreos--the more fun you have. The game world is a serious place full of life, death, terror and various forms of spectacularness--and it is navigated by people in apartments with jobs who roll dice. This is not necessarily a bug.
People who read this blog may have noticed it has a split personality--the monsters and other features of the campaign world are written with the finicky hand of someone who wants to get his imagined universe juuust right stylistically while the actual play reports are more like fuck it let's roll some dice and smash stuff. I feel like there's no real contradiction there. The more carefully detailed and imagined the game world is, the more fun it is to watch drunk strippers (for example) negotiate it and watch it try to negotiate with them. That's why everyone who loves Tolkien has so much fun making fun of Tolkien and that's why Call of Cthulhu can be both the scariest and funniest game anyone ever played.
When I play, there's absolutely no way to eliminate this distance--RPGs are so inherently social for me that I am always hyperaware of the unreality of the in-game situation in a way that I'm not with a good book or a good movie.
There are probably styles of playing where the whole point is to collapse this distance so that the players are absorbed in the way they are in a more traditional fiction medium, but I don't think I'm so constituted that this would work for me. So: as long as that distance is there I figure "Why not use it?"
In terms of my awareness of what's going on in the game as a player my mind is constantly racing in a loop from "Oh wow, the Temple of Demogorgon is carved from the ice of solidified tears!" to wanting Mandy to hurry up and pass the fucking Raisinets. I enjoy this racing. And I suspect that when a lot of people say they don't purposefully want to inject heavy "relevant" themes into their games it's not necessarily because they play to escape reality, but because--like me--when they play they never escape reality, and so any "theme" always remains at a distance. Injecting a theme which one was genuinely conflicted about into this style of play would be, in some way--for this kind of player--trivializing it.
So--for the player who's got distance--when you put together the elf's story you aren't designing the whole experience, you're designing one pole of it--the simple backboard you're bouncing off of. If the typical dungeoncrawl seems devoid of "human complexity", it's because many people who play this kind of game assume the "human complexity" is automatically at the table. The genre tropes and problem-solving situations throw the real people into relief.
Like Plato said, "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."
If you keep your distance then you'll notice that, say, Sasha Grey, the D&D player, hates losing and gets actually real-life sulky when the dice don't roll her way and that this (among other things) probably tells you a lot about how Sasha Grey ended up being Sasha Grey. And you can make a joke about it. And then you can use it to mess with her character in the next scene and she can point it out and make fun of you and back and forth and back and forth and then some complicated fun happens.
The game world is a thing full of images that most of the players at the table probably consider exciting and evocative--but the game is about the difference between those things and real life.
For me, creating a game world or plot events is less like building a sculpture and more like designing a playground. Yes, you want to bring your creativity to bear in that small world of jungle gyms and slides and animals-on-springs, but you have to remember that the fun isn't just going to come from what you make but from what happens when real world contemporary people with sneakers and jeans use it and are on it and are contrasted with it and slide down it. Like the architects say "A building doesn't have to be a perfect thing to see, it has to be a perfect thing to see people in."
For the immersive player--the real player of roles, (and for certain non-gamers) who might (might) assume that any gamer wants to be or explore the role they take on, then of course dungeoncrawling would suggest that all you want is to pretend to be a guy who shoots fireballs or (perhaps more worryingly) "explore" what it would be like to be able to shoot fireballs.
But I don't think they realize that, if you play with a lot of distance--the distance is the content of the game. You're not pretending to be an elf because you want to be an elf, you're pretending to be an elf because you're an insurance adjuster and the back-and-forth between being an insurance adjuster and an elf is interesting and funny. The insurance adjuster is automatically complicated because he's real--the elf can be, but doesn't have to be. That's what's interesting--the constant juxtaposition of worlds. One full of quirks and logistics and ordinary people, and one made of nothing but genretastic invention.
Immersive and theme-heavy gamers, or gamers who like a story that is heavily shaped in advance, have a different idea of where the fun and complication is going to come from than I do. They look at the sand castle (the story, the world it takes place in) and go "Why is it just a sand castle? Why not have a big dome over here and a helipad over here and rocket jets on the side and an opera pit and--come to think of it, why is it a castle? Why not a parliament building?" Whereas somebody like me would say--the sand castle isn't really the end product--the product is the fun in trying to make a castle out of something as chaotic as sand.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"C" is William S. Burroughs Favorite Part of the Monster Manual
Camel, Wild
Please write in comments if you have ever had to use the Monster Manual stats listed here for a camel. I'm not saying you haven't, I just want to hear the story.
Carrion Crawler
I was never big on the carrion crawler, but then I saw this thing from Reaper, marketed under the name "Charnel Grub":
And I love it. I guess it's the same reason I like sickly-yellow ooze better than black pudding--I just prefer things to be disgusting.Catoblepas
Jesus, if Pliny the Elder wrote about his leaking faucet, Gary would've gone and statted it up.
If you came to my house and forced me to use a catoblepas (that sounds so filthy) then I'd make it a unique and elusive creature that looked like a bantha. But you didn't so I didn't and I'm happy.
Cattle, Wild
Gygaxian naturalism in action. Trampling causes d4 per trampling cow, so that makes the herds of livestock that presumably dot any properly simulatory medieval D&D landscape another probably-under-utilized animal weapon. A little math and googling reveals that that means the average British Columbia dairy farm has enough cattle to kill the Tarrasque in one round.
Centaur
By rights I should like centaurs since I like pretty much any Greek monster, but where the fuck do you put them? They're goofy in dungeons, awkward in creepy forests, out-of-place in frozen wastes. Centaurs imply big open grassy plains. Big open grassy plains imply me yawning.
Giant Centipede
The giant centipede is only a foot long. Somehow that's so much creepier than it being ten feet long.
Also: this is where I start realizing the hidden thread of "c" monsters--they are the monsters most likely to appear in a William Burroughs novel. Camels? Tentacled grubs? Men with the lower bodies of horses? See? And the rest of "C" is just illness, hallucination and local color.
"He tells me about an incident where a man was half eaten by a crocodile and they found parts of his body in the crocodile's stomach"
"He had headed north instead, into a land of sandstone formation, carved by wind and sand - a camel, a tortoise, Cambodian temples - and everywhere caves pocked into the red rock like bubbles in boiling oatmeal."
Cerebral Parasite
Oh, look at that--"evil is quite literally a virus parasite occupying a certain brain area"
-Place of Dead Roads
Anyway, these are invisible, undetectable things that go into your brain if you use psionics, eat your psionics points and won't leave unless you use cure disease. I can't figure out any possible way these could be fun. Ok, maybe shapechange into one and fuck with a mind flayer, but, really, haven't you got better things to do with your time?
Chimera
The chimera is the only thing in the monster manual with goat parts*, which--while it was considerate of Gary to leave the Warhammer people something to work with--it's weird considering goats are way eviler than lions and the chimera's one of like 20 monsters in the manual that are mostly a pair of wings with a lion in the middle--the sphinx, lamassu, gryphon, manticore, etc.
In the Sphinx's case, the resemblance is probably because the Chimera is supposed to be the Sphinx's mother. Seeing as how "Chimerae speak a very limited form of red dragon language" (presumably that's the form of the red dragon language where you're constantly getting interrupted by a goat and a lion) and the Sphinx is all-wise and all-knowing and does riddles and stuff, I'm figuring this was one of those oldest-sister-leaves-town-and-gets-all-cosmopolitan-in-order-to-distance-self-from-hick-parents-type situations. "Cover yours--BAAA!--ROAR!--up, girl! Who'll buy the she-goat if they can get the milk for free?" And then, when you consider that Chimera's mother was Echidna...
...you have to figure the intergenerational confusion in that family was probably pretty thick."Chimera" is also a synonym for "delusion". I once read in art school a whole book by a feminist poststructuralist who made much of the fact that the Chimera was female--the implication being that in our patriarchal system fantastic delusions are considered inherently female.
Also Chimera is the name of a crappy band I saw open for Slayer once.
Although I'm very fond of the Chimera I'll admit it's a little confusing to imagine how it works in combat. I mean if you were it, wouldn't you just go dragon head/dragon head/dragon head and let you goat head just hang out? The normally fairly tactically-minded 3.5 monster manual offers no help on the subject saying only "the Chimera prefers to surprise prey" which is good because it's pretty hard to imagine it doing anything else. "What's that?""Oh, you know, a fire-breathing goatliondragon that talks" "Oh, that again".
Anyway, Chimera are the closest thing in D&D to true medieval monk, bad-ergot-trip prophetic-hallucination, so I'm all for it.
Mandy's stated preference is for the wingless version that has a lioness head and body with a snake-head tail and with the goat-head sticking out of the center of the spine.
Cockatrice
Alexzander Neckam said the Cockatrice is born of an egg laid by a cock and incubated by a snake or toad, though modern scholars claim it was born from a translation error in 1397.
According to the Monster Manual, it turns flesh to stone and "the petrification aura of this monster extends into both the astral and ethereal planes and can thus affect creatures in these planes as well."
According to Wikipedia:
"Attempts to identify it with any particular biological species have proved generally futile."
Thanks, Wikipedia.
Personally I think the Cockatrice is ok, but if you're going to go around petrifying PCs you'll probably start out with a basilisk or a medusa first since they're way cooler. So what you do is save the Basilisk for a bathetic effect very late in the campaign--like "Yeah you had a hundred and sixty hit points and +5 pants but you failed your saving throw and got killed by a magic chicken."
Couatl
The thing is they keep telling you how good and smart the Couatl is but seriously it's a snake with wings. The black-eyed predator in the original Monster Manual doesn't really scream "kind-hearted genius with mastery of five psionic disciplines". I find it very hard to picture the Couatl doing anything nice--the 3.5 manual takes this cognitive dissonance to a surreal level with "If more than one Couatl is involved, they discuss their strategy before a battle." "I sssay old chap lets usssss fall upon that miscreant and harm him with blows!"
I don't know how faithful to pre-Columbian belief the Couatl is but 3.5's "It uses its detect thoughts ability on any creature that arouses it's suspicions" makes me really wonder about Mesoamerican child-rearing practices. "Always be good or a giant snake will read your mind fly out of the sky and kill you with poison" seems like a more effective means of social control than the possibility of getting coal in your stocking.
Crab, giant and Crayfish, giant
Both of these monsters have whole entries underneath them in the MM but all I see when I read them is "when we first invented this game, monster miniatures didn't exist so whenever anything in my daughter's terrarium died I statted it up, put it on the tabletop, and made some Chainmail knights fight it."
Interesting tidbit: The giant crab is apparently more surprising than than the giant crayfish--the crab surprises on a 1-4 and the crayfish on a 1-3. Which is weird because the giant crab was in that Sinbad movie so you'd think people'd be used to it.
Crocodile
I've always thought the eastern idea of the sacred crocodile was interesting, monsterwise--though Gary's having none of it:
"All crocodiles are stupid and voracious eaters."
________
The Fiend Folio has a surprising number of interesting "c" monsters...
Carbuncle
The Carbuncle is one of those monsters that people love to make fun of. Mandy says "it sounds like something your great aunt would get on her foot." I actually like the Carbuncle but I'm not going to explain why here 'cause Mandy is helping me write this entry and I plan on using it very soon against her.
Excellent monster. A column carved to look like a person and it's alive and it tries to kill you. Mandy wants me to write here: "one of these killed my awesomely-statted dwarf."
Anyway my point is it's a classic monster and it's weird that this was left for the Fiend Folio when there was apparently enough room in the Monster Manual for the Catoblepas and the Giant Beaver.
Cifal
Cifal is a hilarious sock puppet with a friend named Olly and is, apparently, also a formidable foe.
Crabman
A year ago I would've told you that crabmen were bullshit but that was before I started reading about what noisms was doing with them in his Yoon-suin setting which gives me terrible nightmares about opium parlours with yaks. So Crabmen are just fine with me.
Crypt thing
Crypt thing is a cool name and the picture is cool but the thing is, its attack is to teleport you to some random part of the dungeon. It's a neat trick and a cool monster but teleporting just doesn't seem very undead thing to do. According to the very first website I found with stats for it there's another version that just turns you invisible and paralyses you simultaneously. Which fits a little better but which also seems like one of the evilest things you could do to your players. Especially if they actually have a Fiend Folio and so they end up going all over creation looking for their "teleported away" friend. I might try it on my group if I ever decide being pummeled to death by angry porn stars would be a classy way to go.
Cyclops
The cyclops actually appears in Deities and Demigods but if you can't stat up a giant with one eye that owns some sheep you probably shouldn't be DMing.
At first I thought the cyclops ruined my William S. Burroughs thing but I googled this up:
Malcolm McNeill and William S. Burroughs began working together in London in 1970... Their first collaboration was a comic strip titled The Unspeakable Mr. Hart which appeared in the English magazine Cyclops.
So anyway, the big question is: When a giant and when a cyclops?
If you want it to have a crazy house with giant beer kegs and stuff than that's really more of a giant thing. Cyclops is more for the "oh my god everything on this side of the island is weird" vibe. Also, Cyclops' only hang out in warm weather because if they didn't then they'd be all vikingy and then they'd have beards and one eye with a beard is a really bad look. Also, the cyclops evokes pity in a way the giant does not. Do with this information what you will.
______
*Yeah, yeah,there's the satyr and Orcus's butt--thank you, Comic Book Guy.


