You're Welcome, Universe

So, ok.

I play Slorm.

Cleric of the only true god and horrible goblin. 

Also, oddly, voice of reason in the party because everyone else in the game is a lunatic.

Principally: James Edward Raggi IV, publisher of Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Fantasy Roleplaying, but also the OSR-founding GM, the two transfolk and the bard-playing war refugee.

Now, you may know about James Edward Raggi IV as an author and, perhaps, if you've been to an online playtest, as a game master.

What you probably do not know is that, as a player, James, is a megalomaniac game-breaking chaos munchkin of circa-1982-letters-to-Dragon-Magazine proportions. He is the kind of guy who would hear about the Head of Vecna, then immediately try to figure out how to turn himself into a hydra.

Like, I'm pretty sure this was him:

So anyway, after several days spent going through an interdimensional tech-over-our-heads dungeon we arrive near the top of the Pyramid of Whereverthefuckweare.

We are at a room with a vast and sophisticated machine.

Slorm, as is his wont, barks at the party halfling to squeeze through the gears and plasma inverters to investigate this machine, on the end of a rope. She does so.

Soon Weenie the halfling is looking at what Jeff describes as "A hole in the floor leading back through time to the creation of the universe".

We are all eager to understand this phenomenon and use it to get xp. So Slorm sends a sausage to Weenie down the end of the rope.

you have no idea how useful these have been in the campaign so far

Weenie the halfling drops a sausage into the moment of the big bang.

Then Jeff grins and says the most terrifying thing he can ever say, which is:

"Ok, there's a random table for this"

Fuck fuck fuck.

Then he says "You're going to want to roll low"

FYI: Jeff has, after the session, pulled back the veil and shown us one of the items on this chart:

14. PC's home star(s) go nova

I knew it was going to be bad. We just threw random pork into the moment of creation.

Even worse, James Edward Raggi IV, publisher of Lamentations of the Flame Princess Weird Fantasy Roleplaying who plays Graham the fighter, suddenly has a gleam in his eye. Slorm does not like any of this.

Weenie then rolls a 1! The lowest roll.

It turns out the universe is, thanks to the sausage, all now more graceful and kind that it had once been. We are all given a choice of either undoing one past event we didn't like in the campaign or leveling up. Outstanding job Weenie!

James Edward Raggi IV, however, barely stops to write this down, then goes "So Graham excuses himself for a few minutes, then comes back with a potion vial now filled with white liquid. He..."

"NO!"

I know this man. Slorm knows this man. All the guys and girls and theys in the game know this man.

It is clear that James Edward Raggi IV is attempting to pour his cum into the moment of the universe's creation.

"What?" he says "everyone and everything in the universe will be me! I will rule all!"

Slorm explains that while the various players are no stranger to sexual content--despite it not having coming up much in the campaign at this point--the gods who have Blessed, Heroismed and Healed Graham the fighter many times during the last year or so, do not want his cum on them while they are trying to create the universe.

After much acrimony, Slorm manages to avert this outcome.

James Edward Raggi then throws a fit on his Facebook page.

Anyway, if you aren't all part James Edward Raggi IV now, you're welcome.

Hail Slorm.

The Most OSR Session

Before I go on to this actual play report, a legal update:

Details here. 

And here.

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Anyway, let's get back to games. This is Slorm:

Slorm is a goblin and a cleric who appears weekly in OSR founder* Jeff Rients' weekly game alongside a guy named Graham played by Lamentations of the Flame Princess founder James Edward Raggi IVs guy, Graham, a fighter who goes around dressed as the dungon-boss necromancer we killed in our first adventure.

Anyway Slorm worships a god that fell out of the God Maker, the Sister of Infinite Punishments.

Last time Slorm played, he was in a giant slime and got stung by an LotFP-style trap where he looked through a telescope and gained a view of the infinite universe like the Aleph in that Borges story and was incapacitated and then the session ended.

Then I spent several weeks not playing because life, then I came back and we're in a dungeon but Slorm now has Expanded Life Universe Perspective and talks like a SoCal acid guru who sees....who like seeeees, man, he sees youuuu, he sees what you're about, man, like....enTIREly.

So this game is Jeff Gameblog DMing, Zak S fresh off suing someone, James Raggi on fighter, two trans people and a Ukrainian sniper--you don't get more OSR than that.

So, this report straight from the from the seeeecret LotFP weekly game! (ssssh) :

Slorm wakes up to find the party's bard is dead. "Good!" he says. He is replaced by a blind dwarf.

We are in a Library. James' henchman El Grec has identified a sigil! its the sigil of the king! 

I , theee goblinn has posted henchindividuals outside the library, theres .MAGnificent fresco of the king leading troops. Slorm, filled with a wholly fraudulent sense of the inherent spirituality of a blind dwarf, says we have to follow the blind dwarf's lead through the library.

The blind dwarf has got a book off the shelf. As has Dr Merchandise thee henchman. 

(Not a real doctor just needed a name that began with D to go with previous henchfolk Astrid (R.I.P.), Boulder, and Christopher (R.I.P.).)

One d8 roll later  @Jeff Rients  "Does your character  actually read dwarf braille is the question?". More rolls, no. 

The henchmen notice one of the walls outside are bleeding. Slorm the goblin casts cure light wounds" on it, it scabs over. 

Blarnibus the Ogre licks the wall. The blood tastes significantly more acidic than expected.

Slorm then casts Cure Light on the ogre's tongue.  

The dwarves roll architecture. Nothing happens. Goblin cleric insists we just let the wall bleed because its dungeon dressing mannn. 

Slorm can see through the veil of maya ok? 

We go on. El Grec has picked up some Old Haldrani and can see a book called Lords of Gold!  It says where all the local gold mines are.

I am glad I am doing this write-up because I forgot that we found this.

Slorm can read a book called the Grimoire of Par Kaare which has some spells.

I also forgot that--Jeff what spells are in there?

but WHATEVER...down to level NEXT. We're in a huge corridor. With some...passages? idk James Edward Raggi IV is mapping so I trust him. 

Did I mention my goblin looked through a telescope into the infinite, got incapacitated for 3 sessions and now talks like a cult leader on mushrooms? Ok anyway. So he gets the blind dwarf to listen and he hears Sinister Laughter!  To the north. We go north. 

120 feet and then. Ok this dungeon is REALLLY big like it was drawn in the 70s by someone who didn't do rational architecture but its a Jeff Rients game so that is probably what it is.

(Turns out it's from Judges' Guild Journal. 2 decades of  game blogging for nothing, we are still running around in some eccentric notebook dungeon written by people who know people who give out the 3 Castles Award. ) 

We are in a martini-glass shaped room. Slorm the goblin casts Augury and does not have the spell Augury and so randomly decides to go right and not left. Both left and right doors lead to the same room.

Score! 

Goblin casts Insect Plague and sends the insects go down the corridor, they eventually find a secret door. Graham opens it. 

A TEMPLE! Scarabs on the walls. The floor is made of blue marble with white veins--all veins leading toward a laughing buddha/dwarf like statue. Blarnibus the ogre approaches it. The Statue is entirely blued silver and its eyes are gems. Slorm urges any party member but himself to approach the statue. Quoth Blarnibus "i'm gonna shake it like its a piggybank".

 

The only image that comes up when you google "Ogre with piggybank"

When he picks it up a hidden gong sounds! There's a delay on the guards showing up (Jeff just tells us the mechanic) Blarnibus rolls...4! A bunch of weirdoes in red and black start pouring out. 

I highly suspect Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is a reference here. 

Weirdoes? Shaved heads and forky beards! James takes the rearguard and the goblin sends an Insect Plague to protect them.

Slorm is insane but has the Rod of something for Clerics so that's why he's casting all this bullshit. 

The lowest level cultists show up first, and the plague takes them!! We get away scott free! 2500gp statue!

So far, so dungeon. But here's that real sauce:

Then--OF COURSE!--we dress the two dwarves up like the statue of the god by paying 500gp to the best cosplayer in the village. Jeff rules that by coincidence our blind dwarf has EXACTLY the same build as the god. Because: Jeff. 

But the god mostly wears a loin cloth."I'm gonna fast-forward to the stupid corridor with the 2 sets of double doors". Slorm rolls a 2. Slorm casts Continual Light on the dwarf god's loincloths.

So they'll glow, naturally. 

So the nonblind god-cosplaying dwarf leads the blind one to the plinth. The plinth is really tall though. One dwarf tosses the other. "Does he get up there before he sets off the alarm or not?". 1-3 or 4-6? 6. 

So fuck ok the dwarves are messing around on the floor as the alarm rings. Slorm casts Insect Plague! Scarabs to the front! Protect your gods! Guards in chainmail with spears roll up.

They are not intelligent. The statue of their scarab-friendly god that's been missing has no been replaced by two gods? And a bunch of live scarab beetles.

They immediately declare--ITS A MIRACLE. The guards bow "We're not worthy!" The blind dwarf says "No you are not". 

They fetch the high priest. One of the guards is confused to see two gods. Slorm casts Command. The one word command? PHILOSOPHIZE! For a round (6 seconds) the guard rhapsodizes about how there are TWO where once there were ONE!!! A holy mystery! 

4 junior clerics roll up. Jeff rolls to see if they are swept up by the religious hysteria. They fail their save and begin praying. 

James Edward Raggi IV asks "Um no reason, just asking....whats the dwarf gestation period?" Jeff rules 12 months. 

Blind dwarf goes "I don't feel safe". 

James goes..."i'm just saying, that we have the ability, at the rate of one per year, new gods!" "WE ARE JACK KIRBY!" 

 

Jeff: "You know i don't do this very often but I'm awarding everybody 50 extra xp for shenanigans!" 

550xp each. 

No fights.

*?

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What, if anything, was your understanding of the phrase "Group titfuck bonanza"?

From Viv's "Dread" Character Sheet

Previously on D&D With Pornstars: We had a trial. I won. Details.

Today on D&D With Pornstars: A trial excerpt. Because trials are funny.

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[Context: Viv had claimed that I talked with a level of sexual frankness she wasn’t comfortable with etc. ]

(lawyer) MR SELF: Can you please help us understand what you understand to be written in the top of page 2-18?

MR SMITH: Okay. so this is -- you want me to read the whole thing from my pov?

MR SELF: Yes, please.

JUDGE: And what page are you on, two?

MR SMITH: 2-18.

MR. SELF: 2-18, top of the page.

MR SMITH: So, "re, a much more civilized means of communication." V stands for Vivid. That's Vivid's -- Viv's e-mail address. There's a date in January which I actually have a hard time reading. And it says wednesday. “Oh, fine, leave me to wallow in pain and braces and give myself post surgery boob rubdowns." She's referring to her plan to get breast implants.

(lawyer) MS. KRIEGER: I'm sorry, object to his characterization of what she was intending. Calls for speculation.

MR SMITH: Okay.

JUDGE: Overruled. Go ahead.

MR SMITH: Mandy -- then there's —I think like she's sticking out her tongue that -- I think that's what that is. "Mandy is going to school ... you guys get back, and bam, group tit fuck bonanza. Then you will be a lucky guy." Then is in all caps.

And that -- I don't know what that -- [reading viv's email] "Wow, better not have been sarcastic. threatens with thumb of fury. hearts, pretty hearts, xo xo."

Q BY MR. SELF: Mr. Smith, do you here today in 2021 recall seeing the statement you just read to us at the time that it was published?

MR SMITH: Did I read it in 2010 when I got it as an e-mail, yeah. Yes.

MR SELF: Do you remember reading it?

MR SMITH: Yeah. I remember -- I remember -- yeah. Yes.

[You’re not supposed to say “yeah” or “uh huh” at trials, because its hard on the stenographer, but I keep forgetting.)

MR SELF: What do you remember, if at all, was your understanding of that phrase "group tit fuck bonanza"?

MR SMITH: That we were like -- Viv was going to get breast implants and we are all having sex. And that was -- having sex and specifically —I don't know if there's any other way to say “tit fucking” except for “tit fucking”. I apologize to the court, but yeah.

[I looked it up: “mammary intercourse”]

MR SELF: Based on your experience with the defendant, did Ms. Grey seem easily embarrassed or humiliated about things of a sexual nature?

MR SMITH: Not at all. in fact it was one of the things that we liked about her. She's very kind of crude and frank and --

MR SELF: Pronouns. When you say we?

MR SMITH: Amanda Nagy. Ms Nagy and I liked about that she was very frank, open, honest about everything sexual, you know.

MR SELF: Based on your experience as Ms. Nagy's husband, would you characterize Ms Nagy as having been open and frank about sexuality in matters of a sexual nature at that time as well?

MR SMITH: Almost more than any living human, yes.

MR SELF: What about you, Mr. Smith? How open, if at all, were you regarding matters of a sexual nature in and around 2011?

MR SMITH: Very open. I had just published a book called “We Did Porn," which was a memoir about working in the sex industry. So yeah.

MR SELF: Real briefly, what -- tell us -- give us a summary, synopsis of that memoir.

MR SMITH: It talks about how i got into the business out of -- I was a working artist before, and still was, and then working on movies and meeting Mandy and -- Amanda Nagy, Ms. Nagy, and other people we knew in the industry by the time I had written the book. So covered a few years of the beginning at that. It also had art in it, drawings.

Mr Self: Do you remember a song by a Detroit artist named DJ assault?

MR SMITH: Yeah.

MR SELF: That was --

MR SMITH: “Ass and Titties." Viv introduced it to us. We were trying to play a game [Dread], and it was a game where people can be eliminated. And Viv got eliminated first, and so she started playing this song "Ass and Titties." And the lyrics are just "Ass, titties, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, titties, titties, titties." And she was -- you know, that was Viv.

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The Demon City Scenario I Ran Last Week

 So following on previous adventures, the girls' party were an actress (Stokely with Appeal: 0), a craft-services girl, and a bouncer. The only person they knew in common was a dancer.

She died, of course, in Mexico City.

The bouncer (class: Victim) thought it sounded suspicious.

The actress (class: Curious) was curious.

The craft-services girl (class: Friend) wanted to make sure the actress didn't get hurt.

They began their investigation in a bar (also ended it one, but that's the Downtime Rules for ya) and found out their friend had last been seen at the monthly party thrown by one of the richest men in Mexico City.

I made a little chart by googling famous people whose voices I could kind of do.

Mick said "Fuck" a lot.

The party was in a mansion in the middle of a hedge maze.

For actually going into the mansion I used this map from the old Maniac Mansion video game--though I had to add some balconies so they could oversee the hedge maze

I got this hedge maze from dungeonmapster. The mansion was completely surrounded by maze, so I just made it so this square of maze repeated over and over around the house.

The girls had an alright time at the party, until everyone turned out to be werejaguars and started hunting them through the maze for sport. Actually arguably they had more fun at that point? Anyway point is they survived and kille Salme Hayek and are now Downtiming in Mexico City wondering if a werejaguar cult is after them (it is) and that's a nice place to start next week.

werejaguar totally stolen from Chill 2e 
to which Demon City owes a lot really

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This is the mini she ordered

Of course the goth wants to play a vampire in D&D--now she's miniature shopping.

(this one)

(Quick vampire class: A first level vampire can do two "Vampire things" per day. Plus can only die in vampire ways but being reduced to zero hp by normal means puts you down for ten minutes--more than enough time to stake you if the enemy's dedicated. More Vampire Things per day at higher levels. Usual vulnerabilities, etc.).

There's A Lot Of Screaming

@DemonCity is just some random guy's twitter handle, Ela.

So we were playing Demon City.

The bartender at the Charming Gorgon--a contact--came to the PCs saying they need to help their dad move...

...but when they get there he's headless in his big house and someone has clearly ransacked the place. He’s a rare book dealer—there’s money and Civil War sabres missing and he looks like nearly every bone in his body has snapped beneath the skin but the biggest problem is this mild mannered antiquarian’s register shows he had a copy of the Glistening Chamber Codex—and it is gone. 

It turns out a low-level gang kid street-named Sig Sour broke into the house after he saw that nobody was home (or at least nobody awake) for days and stole this stuff. 

Sikk Sour looks like 6ix9ine drives a big black car with gold rims with a license plate that says "Sour" and carries a gold-plated sig sauer with a leopard print handle and a home-made muzzle loudener.

The PCs beat him up very quickly, take his gun and ask him why he's lurking behind this old man's house.

They make him talk a lot so that I have to keep doing his voice.

Turns out Sikk (Damn, stop hitting me inna face girl an' I tell you) headed back to the house where he’s staying—he lives with a bunch of flower sellers (long story--basically a gang that controls this territory also has runaway kids selling flowers on the on-ramps and they all live in a rundown house).

From there, one of the other flower-selling kids (a younger one, Tessa Bellaika) stole the Codex. Tessa was running away from the flower-selling business anyway and took the fascinating and very expensive-looking book on the road with her, thinking maybe she could pawn it later.

Also turns out one of the PCs actually has one of the leaders of the flower-gang as a contact--a witchy 60s-casualty drug dealer in a big man's shirt named Acid Mother.

Important people want this book--as the PCs are informed by an 8-year old girl walking a shih-tzu who talks with Acid Mother's voice.

Questioning flower kids leads to finding out Tessa took off with the book and was hiding out in the back of a tourist voodoo shop in the French Quarter.

PCs break in--briefly register and address the fact everything in the shop is rotting and turning into scorpions--and run out the back door.

Tessa's card is The Fool--she's on a journey alone and her only friend is a 6000-year old book of foul necromancy. Accidentally or on purpose she releases a Mutilating Wave on the streets of the French Quarter to cover her as she flees but her car gets caught in the wave.

Long story-short, Phoenix Fatale--model, sugar-baby, finder of lost children--figures that wrapping a plastic bag around your hand should be enough to protect it from the Wave of Mutil...no. Now instead of a left hand she has a stump and a rescued 16-year old wanna-be teenage witch (who is missing an ear, nose and foot).

There is much discussion of the stump's possible futures into which I shall not delve at this moment.

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Next Session:

There's a whole subplot with the mayor and tentacle monsters and an evil pharmaceutical company but mostly what happens is the players are in an airbnb trying to figure out the Glistening Chamber Codex and then ordering thai food.

Now here are some things you don't want to happen when you order thai:

-The GM says "You hear a knock at the door" instead of just going "Let's assume you order thai or whatever".

-The GM narrates the delivery guy smiling and giving you food and looking around inquisitively instead of just saying "Ok, make a cash throw to pay for the thai food".

-Bea the bicycle messenger with the ability to induce psychosomatic blindness deciding to straight-up shoot the delivery boy on general principle for being narrated.

-Victoria Bast, ace markswoman trying to stop her and failing.

-The thai delivery guy to be accompanied by another thai delivery guy who throws scalding hot tea on you.

-The other thai delivery guy closing his eyelids to reveal a pair of runes that cause anyone who sees them to save or begin birthing a small six-legged goat from their mouth.

What you do want is for Bea's player to text her stepdaughter that this is happening and for said stepdaughter to reply back quickly with this drawing:

The official first-ever piece of Demon City fan art

What you then again don't want is for Kip the actress to lose all her remaining calm and then, when offered the official Demon City options:

1. Make a new PC now, or
2. Cause mayhem until the end of the session in order to earn you a +1 Calm for your next PC.

...and choose option 2 and then pass the Host this note:

...and then start singing showtunes.

And then you don't want the police to arrive.

And then you also don't want to have this conversation:

"Damn the cops come fast--and from every direction?"

"Well, they are horror cops."

They did get away, though. Even Kip--though she's in the asylum now.

Playtests pretty successful so far I'd say.

Help get Demon City in print here

How To End A Campaign

So we're playing Rogue Trader...

The first session the Seneschal (played by Dorea) decides the best solution is to assassinate someone inconvenient on a star base--I missed that session. The star base goes into lockdown to prevent the assassins from escaping.

Second session is all about getting off the star base, which we do by showing one of the Imperial higher-ups how spiffy our ancient ship is (40k imagines very Deep Time with its vessels in a future devoid of any progress outside space marine helmet design. Also the ship has a crew the size of the population of West Virginia), with its many hunting trophies (turns out he's a hunter), we go "Say...we could take you on safari, Admiral...?"

"I say! (monocle monocle) Capital notion! I haven't been out hunting in aaaaages!"

Upside: the admiral helps us, bureaucratically speaking, to get off the base.

Downside: the captain decides he's cramping our style.

"Admiral, we've come upon a junglous deathworld! Would you like to go hunting with us?" The captain wants the Admiral to quietly die down there, most of the crew doesn't like the idea of anything called a deathworld. I haven't gotten to play much so I'm pretty excited to go to a deathworld. I vote deathworld, we end up on the deathworld.

We go to the deathworld long story short it is well-named. We lose our captain, near tpk but at least get rid of the Admiral.

After a few more adventures we notice...hey...it looks like, on our massive ship with a crew in the 5 figures, we have a genestealer cult on board.

Obviously and unbeknownst to us we'd picked up the genestealers on the deathworld and they'd been growing geometrically ever since.

After some more tests and shenanigans we discover the infection is massive.

The guy playing the captain goes "Hey, can we switch to playing Deathwing for a few sessions, and play space marines who are on the ship to kill the genestealers?"

The GM is cool with this.

We make space marines. The seneschal player and I both make jump-pack equipped close-combat marines with chainswords. As soon as she wakes up in the game she's like "Genestealers? I got Hatred: Genestealers, let's pilot the ship into the sun!"

My character prevails on hers to maybe play the game instead, we're Space Marines, assets to the Empire, we need not throw our lives away when we can wipe out the enemy and live to kill in the Emperor's name again.

So we spend a session bug-hunting cultists and accidentally trashing parts of the ship.

Then, long story, the hater stumbles on a chamber honest-to-god filled with horde levels of genestealers right next to the engine-coolant tanks. This is, for those familiar, a 60-point horde.

The rest of us marines are 2 rounds behind her finding this place.

We arrive to find her having already chainsworded open a massive tank, freezing genestealers everywhere in a fountain of coolant spraying all over her armor with no regard for life or limb and halfway through ripping open the second tank.

Frozen and shattering the genestealers die prettily. After a round of rolling very well we manage to cut the 60 point horde down to a 3-point horde.

Next round--she jump packs straight toward the next coolant tank.

"There's only 3 left, Dorea! Can I stop her??"

"Roll initiative"

She rolls 8, I roll 7. Oh wait, I get a +1 to initative bc the system is too complicated long story I roll 8.

Simultaneous actions--she's jump-packing toward the final coolant tank, I'm jump-packing toward her in mid-air, trying to deflect her flight path so she lands in the middle of the horde and does not end up ripping open the last coolant tank.

I roll my roll-low d100s. 06. 4 successes.

She gets 5 successes, parries me, plows into the coolant tank, chainteeth whirring. My marine goes streaking backwards into the horde, kicking the air.

"Ok (GM giggling frantically) roll d100, Dorea"

"100"

"Please Please Please Please use a fate point? Please!"

She uses her last fate point. Re-roll. "97"

Worst category critical hit, warp opens, entire ship explodes, thousands dead, crew dead, genestealers dead, Deathwatch game over, Rogue Trader game over.
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Things To Do With Salad and Styrofoam

So this is the Sandman:

...the Sandman is on set, starring in a Sci Fi Channel original movie. Somewhere in Hollywood.

Ding.

The Sandman's cell phone has rung.

Now, Sandman's wearing a lot of make-up and a mask which make it pretty hard to put a phone to your ear. So it's on speaker.

"Hey!"

"Hey Ela, I'm on set, what's up?"

"Can Poppy borrow the Lady Nine Bones Necklace from Arafel?"

"Uh, sure?"

"Cool, ok--have fun on set, sweetie!"

"Ok-good luck in the Maze!"

The call ends.

Sandman looks around to see the cast and crew staring, cocking its collective head.

"?"

"That was my D&D group."

So, a few weeks ago the party traveled to Hot Springs Island.

They hexcrawled their way across many hazards...

I used lettuce for the jungle

...and eventually stumbled on the remnants of an elven army cowering on a mountaintop a few miles from the great volcano.

The proud fair folk were suspicious of a party of mostly half-elves and--possibly worse--tieflings--but they camped together for the night.

They were then--of course--attacked by lizardmen. One of them hurled a globe of mutation at one of the basically totally incompetent elven princes (a second eye and then head began to emerge from the side of his neck) but the party eventually fought them off.

In the morning, the party asked the elves they'd just saved for help finding the volcano and the dragon egg inside, but, terrified, they politely begged off and hiked out into the jungle.

Agnes Steelheart burned with contempt at their cowardice "Good luck with your extra face, loser!"
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Also, somewhere along the line the party picked up two things:

1. Smudge the elf thief who sucks at rolling dice

2. 11 doses of a potion form Hot Springs Island that makes "the body and mind forget the last hour"

Also the cleric was drinking a lot of wine.

This lead to the following situation no less than three times:

Agnes Steelheart would get really pissed at how useless Smudge was in a fight.

Agnes would be like "Ugh! Men! Useless!"

Agnes would get knocked out and be almost dead (and, in one case, actually dead).

Agnes would awake to find Smudge the elf thief who sucks at rolling dice standing over her feeding her this potion, feeling fine but having no idea how she got there and not remembering any of the dice rolls that made her disgusted with Smudge the elf thief who sucks at rolling dice and thinking he was pretty cool. For now.
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So anyway just before this session I was trying to think how I'd write up this ruined temple they came upon and I was also like I need a muffin.

So I got in the elevator and there were three people and one of them had a big box with styrofoam sticking out.

"Hey," (lightbulb) "is that box all packing material?"

"Uh...." they thought I was going to yell at them about the environment "yeah?"

"Can I have it?"

So then I threw it together with some stuff I already had and proceeded to build a Temple of Mariyah on the kitchen table...

(Complete with the stryofoam head as the remains of a colossal sculpted head of Mariyah)

 I got pretty into it. I made a whole key of the secrets hidden under all the rocks and crannies.

I was fucking prepared...

...but you know how players are, spending all that work on something pretty much guarantees they'll be like "This looks scary, let's go fart in a pumpkin".

But, luckily, it went over...

(You can hear me yelling at them to shut up and enjoy it on this clip here).

Even better, though, there was a massive, brutal fight with a near tpk. The serpentmen had a hydra that almost bit everyone's head off until Arafel used the 9 Bones Necklace to get possessed by the Blue Medusa.

So we solved the Who Would Win In A Fight Between Medusa and Hydra question the Greeks somehow never got around to answering.

Medusa.

Then Medusa will then be like "Where am I?" because she wasn't the one who decided to possess this tiefling and then wander in a random direction (roll 40k scatter dice) and...oh dear...look right at one of those reflective pillars.

 Notch off one more dose of Rewind Potion.

Anyway it was a fun game. The cleric of Mariyah kept staring dazzled at the temple

"I love you, Zak."

"You take nine damage."

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