Connie

Connie's new miniature arrived the other day and it is fat.

One thing about halflings is--all the miniatures are fat. The picture in the 3.5 players guide is not fat, but the minis are fat. Female halflings are fat.

Female halflings remind me of a conversation I had over a beer with a comedian I know:

C: "She was kinda--a bigger gal. I don't know why I just said that instead of just 'she's fat'--'gal'--does that make it sound better?"

Z: "Maybe--'Gal' suggests, like--she's independent and from the midwest, and knows how to cook."

C: "It's a skillset."

Z: "Yeah."

Ok, so this halfling, she looks prepared, right? This gal.

Connie's verdict:"She's cute."

Cute? Connie's gal looks like she'd have had Sauron gutted and fileted and've been halfway through redecorating Mount Doom while Frodo & company were still tripping over mushrooms and getting grabbed by trees.

The unspoken assumption is that girls' characters look like the players. Basically. Until further notice.

Occasionally someone will issue an adjustment--like Kimberly Kane tells us her barbarian's butt is bigger than hers (and hers is not small)-"like Ice T's wife, Coco".

Connie, a natural D&Der--(in the same sense that the detectives on The Wire are always calling each other "natural po-lice") is pretty experimental about characters. She's got a dwarf, too now. I haven't asked if it has a beard.

In the beginning Connie had a half-elf rogue. Which is the standard around here. Both PC and player have a penchant for black leather with gold studs--the elf has it on her wristband, Connie has it on a pair of heels she left here last week.

But the that character got lost so she went halfling rogue.

Connie is not fat. Connie spends nearly every night squirming around on a pole to loud music, which is good exercise.

Personally I know some very attractive fat girls--or BBWs, as they're known in the Industry--none of them play D&D for some reason.

Connie likes throwing stars, but really that's just a style thing--in combat, it's always a scimitar.

I have never asked why.

Really though, she's the eyeball. What do your stripper eyes see, Connie? She remembers to look for things. She will check quietly for exits and weirdness. She leaves cliche stuff like backstabbing to the other rogues, mostly.

Frankie likes to sneak, but she makes a big deal about it "No-one can see me!" "Yes, Frankie, I know. No-one can see you."

Connie, on the other hand, remains calm and subtle at all times--falling 200 feet down a shaft, getting in KK's way when she turns into a werewolf, missing enemies over and over again the way 1st-level rogues are wont to do. She doesn't care.

Or doesn't appear to. She can be a little passive aggressive. Are you looting a body, Connie? "No, I'm just going to find one of the dead spiders and stab it a few times."

I think maybe passive aggression is a hallmark of halflings.

Oh don't mind me, I'm just taking the Ring to Mordor, though I Do Not Know The Way. And I'm like three feet tall. And have half as many hit points as you. Don't mind me.

That's ungenerous though, Connie is not a flashy player, but she dots the I's and crosses the T's. Like you imagine Sam is doing while Frodo's busy being all emo. Only she's hot and not annoying or a gardener and wears leopard skin pants.

Really much better than Sam, I suppose, actually.